Number One
by NellietheMarvelous
Summary: SPOILERS 5x17 Scared to Death. Kate Beckett has a secret of her own. One she thinks it's time to share.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Nope, not owning it.**

**A/N: SPOILERS for 5x17 (you have been warned), goes AU from there, you'll see what I mean. This would not leave my mind so I had to type it out. Probably not everyone's cup of tea but I had to. Just a short little something that wouldn't stop nibbling at my brain. Zombie bunnies.  
**

She's trying not to think about it. Put it out of her mind. It worked for awhile but it isn't working anymore - probably because he isn't distracting her. Or in the case of tonight, she's stopped distracting him. Ice cubes - she knew it would work. She knows she's lying here in the dark with a silly grin plastered on her face but she can't stop it. She isn't exactly trying either.

She's number one on his bucket list. Just thinking about it makes her heart go crazy and she needs to share her secret because it's about to burst out of her. This adorable, sweet, loving, childish man. This is his fault. She's overly emotional and yet she can't blame him because he doesn't have a clue. He's just lying next to her, halfway to sleep and it's her turn to do the creepy staring. Her eyes sweep over his face in the dim lighting of the moon - his eyes are closed, brow relaxed, but there's still sweat lingering on his skin.

He can't go to sleep. He mustn't, she needs to tell him what has her so worked up. It's been on the tip of her tongue, waiting to be released and now she knows the truth. It needs to be said - he needs to hear it. She's the type that never thought she would have this chance in life. But she does, thanks to him and she's excited and nervous and just everything. And how is it that he's drifting to sleep at a time like this?

She almost let it slip - before she knew. It's just so hard to keep something a secret from someone involved so deeply - someone as invested as she is. She remembers, she almost let it go in front of an audience. Her defenses had been down and the moment presented itself.

_"Castle, that's so sweet. You want me to outlive you?" _She knows there was a ridiculous smile on her face - knows her heart fluttered and twisted and rolled.

_"Of course. Who else is gonna tell my tale of sacrifice and selflessness?" _That's when it almost came out. It was on the very tip of her tongue even though she hadn't even found out for sure. It was still there, haunting, looming. She'd played it off at the time with an eye roll - she'd kept it from escaping.

Now she wants - _needs_ - it to be out in the open. Plus she wants him to know that she might've momentarily forgot when she tackled someone but it's new and crazy and she isn't sure if it's real. But it is - her logical side knows.

She shimmies closer, wraps her leg around his beneath the sheet but he doesn't stir. He isn't asleep just yet - she can tell. He just clearly isn't aware of the secret trying to burst out of her every seam. She leans close, nudges her nose into his cheek until he grumbles. His lips quirk up and she finds herself smiling another goofy smile into his skin. This man. She inhales, lets his scent wash over her. He smells of sweat, cologne, and her. The mix is heady, arousing. Sometimes she thinks he doesn't get it - doesn't fully understand how she wants him - how she _needs _him in every way imaginable. He's so very deep in her entire being that there's no way she can be without him now.

"Castle." She lets her voice take on that husky tone he loves so much - the one that comes naturally when she's warm and in bed and thoroughly loved. Her lips ghost over his cheek, land below his eye. She feels his lashes flutter as he opens them but she doesn't want to pull back just yet so she indulges a little, slides down to steal an open mouthed kiss from his lips.

She's a little scared. This is big. They haven't discussed it and she just wants this moment to last. He's obviously still a little dumb from dozing - let's her take all she needs and then some. His hand lazily strokes over her hair, pushing back the waves that are tangled and knotted but otherwise, he doesn't move.

The kiss is slow, easy, and she ends it quickly. She isn't about to let herself get distracted - she has a mission. Her lips stay against his, not moving for a few seconds before she pulls away. When her eyes open, he's staring up at her and her breath sticks in her lungs, unable to escape. He's so expressive that it physically tugs on her heart sometimes - okay, all the time.

It's those blue eyes. Always hopeful or excited or loving or...the list can go on and on. His fingers move to rest on her cheek, light and barely there. She bites her lip, hopes nothing every changes between them...besides maybe her last name. That's a topic for a different night.

"Kate, not that I don't love having you naked and pressed against me but you're thinking."

"Astute observation." He beams up at her, that eye crinkling grin and she fights back one of her own to nibble harder on her bottom lip.

"Never thought the word 'astute' could sound dirty until now." He's playing, she can hear it in his voice as well as the very beginnings of arousal working it's way back to the surface.

"Wordplay will have to wait till another night." Time to put on her brave face and just tell him. Everything will be okay, she knows that but it's still something they haven't talked much about so it still puts that nervous pit in her stomach. "Listening?"

This time she feels the full pressure of his palm against her cheek, caressing. Men like this shouldn't exist but he does and she's never been happier with someone than she is with him.

"Always." It calms her nerves a little just to hear him say it. She wants to be close - as close as possible and she finds herself trying to scoot closer. It's impossible. They're already plastered together but her nails still dig in to his shoulders and she slides her foot along his calf. "Everything okay?"

"Yes." He's too good at reading her. "I'm pregnant."

The air leaves his lungs, she can feel his chest cave in as his expelled breath fans her face. She isn't surprised by his reaction or the fact that his hand drops from her cheek - hits the mattress with a dull thud. She remembers her expression in the mirror when she found out. It was almost the same. The open mouthed, fish imitating, brow furrowing reaction. It doesn't make sense. The words are clear and crisp - nothing confusing about it but she understands because she did the same thing.

"K-Kate?" She isn't sure what he's asking but the words start spilling out and she can't stop them. She's developed a rambling habit.

"I found out for sure this morning but I kinda already knew. I wanted to wait till the perfect time to tell you and then I saw that I was number one on your bucket list and I just -" She wants to say burst but doesn't get the chance because he's sitting up, crushing her in a hug that makes it awkward to move and just as quickly he's shoving her away.

"Wait, you were drinking wine tonight." She feels her face flush in embarrassment and isn't sure how to say what she needs to without it sounding completely childish and stupid.

"Maybe you aren't as astute in your observations as I thought. You poured it and I didn't want to say anything yet so I was pretending to sip it."

"Why?" He raises a good point and she expected the question but it's still one she doesn't know how to answer. She isn't sure but she has an idea.

"I wasn't ready. I think I just needed a little more time to wrap my head around it and you were stuck on waiting till midnight. I wanted to wait until you knew you weren't gonna die." He's quiet and staring at her but it isn't uncomfortable. He's letting her say what she needs to. "I was scared. I _am_ scared."

"It's terrifying but it's also the most exhilarating and rewarding thing you'll ever do, Kate."

"Alexis?" She's having a hard time asking the one question that has been stuck in her brain the entire time. How will his daughter handle this? It's always been just her and her dad. Now Kate is here and she's carrying a plus one. "Do you think..."

"I think she's an adult, Kate, and I think that even if it bothers her, she'll get over it. She loves you."

"I love her too, Castle." It's true and it's strong - no waver in her voice or in her gaze as she states it. Both of them sit for a few seconds in silence, staring at each other, still tangled in the sheet. All bare skin and white fabric. She's not sure it's really hitting him yet but she waits it out.

Finally, his eyes drop and she can practically feel them on her stomach. Like a laser beam through the layer covering her. She almost chokes on the emotion bubbling in her chest when he reaches for her with a shaky hand. She goes willingly, letting him tug her along until she's lying back on the mattress and he's moving to rise above her. She wonders if he knows that she loves when he cages her in, hovers over her. She may be a cop - tough as the rest - but she's a woman first and she loves when he does this.

The sheet disappears, cool air hits her skin and she inhales a harsh breath through her nostrils. Just before she opens her mouth to complain, his palm settles below her navel and she chokes on her words. She stares up at him while he stares down at his hand in wonder. This - the way he's treating her, the way she feels, the way things are - all of it is perfect.

"We made a baby?" It's so soft she barely hears and it strips her heart in the best way possible. It leaves her raw and wanting. She never thought it'd be like this. Her reply is just as soft, just as filled with amazement.

"Yeah, we did."

**a/n: Thanks to Castle, I now refuse to marry anyone until I'm #1 on their bucket list. Awesome, thanks for making sure I'll be single the rest of my life. But seriously, how sweet was that?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Nope, not owning it.**

**A/N: Okay, wow guys! So many people reviewed and most of you asked if there was a possibility of making it a multi-chapter. I thought about it for a few days and then I came to the conclusion that yeah, I can do that. I'm still in shock over the reviews and alerts. I have two other Castle fics and yeah, they've done well so far but not like this. THANK YOU!  
**

**Also, to every anonymous reviewer: THANK YOU SO MUCH!**

It's the feel of something tickling the back of her leg that makes Kate stir from sleep. Her brow furrows in confusion but the sensation continues, up over the back of her thigh. She hugs the pillow tighter, jerks her legs away from whatever it is that's disturbing her sleep. She's still too tired to move which leads her to believe that it's awfully early - she isn't even attempting to open her eyes yet. No. Just no.

She rolls to the middle of the bed, reaches blindly for her lover but her hand hits nothing but mattress. A groan falls from her lips and that's the moment she smells it. Her stomach coils uncomfortably, protesting the unpleasant scent. She shoves her nose into Castle's pillow and silently begs her belly to calm itself. She felt fine two seconds ago - tired yes, not wanting to wake up, yes, but not this.

A hand - warm against her skin - pushes her hair out of her face. She knows it's him, knows that it's the man she was just missing. She rolls on her side, lets his palm settle on her cheek. Nausea washes over her from head to toe, her body curls in on itself and she just needs the smell to go away. What is it? It smells like...

"Hey, I made pancakes." Oh god, pancakes. Nothing is sacred to their child apparently. She really needs him to take them somewhere else...like China. China would be a great place for them. She doesn't want to look at them so her eyes stay shut. She knows they'll look beautiful and golden - Castle makes fantastic pancakes. She's pretty sure this kid isn't hers - despite the fact that she's the one that's been carrying it for almost nine weeks. Can't be. It doesn't like pancakes.

She tries breathing through her mouth, hopes to settle her stomach but if anything, her nausea worsens. The sound of glass clanking against the bedside table draws her attention - makes her crack open an eye. The first thing she sees is his concerned face - some days, all she wants to do is hug him and never stop. He strokes her leg and she almost smiles as it all clicks together in her sleep fuddled brain. Of course. He's the annoying thing that tickled her awake.

His hands are soothing against her skin but it's doing nothing for the tidal waves wreaking havoc inside her body. She wants to smile at him, cuddle closer and tell him that breakfast sucks and they just shouldn't do it anymore. However, her stomach has other plans and the second she opens her mouth, she feels it. The feel of bile rising in her throat.

Bathroom, she needs to make it to the bathroom. He doesn't need to see this. She pushes up from the bed, throws the covers off in a rush, gets tangled in the shirt she's wearing - his shirt - and she's pretty sure she hits him in the face but there's no time to apologize. Her hand clamps over her mouth and she sprints into the bathroom. She almost doesn't make it - as soon as her knees hit the floor the contents of her stomach are resurfacing.

Her muscles contract to the point of painful and she's coughing, choking, doesn't even have time to breathe before another wave confiscates her. Her eyes fill with tears, her face red from the exertion and she just wants the heaving to stop. There's nothing left, she's just empty. She doesn't even have time to feel embarrassment when Castle pulls her hair back, rubs his hand along her spine, before another set of heaves takes over. Tries to push her organs up and out of her body - at least that's what it feels like.

When she finally relaxes, feels the nausea subside to a manageable tossing in her stomach, he's still there. His hand slides across her forehead to wipe away the sweat and she just wants to crawl into a hole.

"No to the pancakes then?" She can't stop the laugh that escapes as she drops her head against his shoulder. Trust him to turn something so gross into a joke.

"Baby doesn't like them."

"Are you sure this baby is mine?" Smacking his cotton clad chest, she gives him a glare.

"You saying I cheated, Castle?" He knows better than to answer with some smartass comment. At least she hopes he does because she isn't in the mood for it.

"No! Just saying I love pancakes."

"I can assure you, it's yours." Their hands meet, Kate intertwines their fingers and drags them down to rest below her navel. "Isn't it obvious - already a little troublemaker."

"I should take offense to that."

"Mmm."

"I don't cause trouble." She almost snorts with laughter but somehow stops herself. Yeah. He doesn't cause trouble. So maybe he's right, he doesn't anymore. Not really. Just occasionally but it's always accidental and rather amusing most of the time.

"Shall I remind you of the Valentines day fiasco?"

"Uh, no. Not my finest moment." It was a sweet and romantic idea but it hadn't been very well thought out. "So no pancakes, I'll get you some water and maybe, some crackers?"

"Crackers sound nice." He doesn't move, just stays there on the bathroom floor with her and she isn't sure if she should make him leave or if she should just get used to this. Her stomach churns, makes her groan, and she comes to the conclusion that she needs to get used to it. "My mom told me once that she had the worst 'all-day-long' sickness."

"For both of our sakes, I hope that isn't the case." He's being playful, breathing his words into her hair. "I mean, you're in a pretty cuddly mood right now, but we both know you'll be cranky if this continues."

She hums against him, doesn't dignify that with a response. She doesn't want to move now, her body feels drained. She just wants to sit but she can't because she's pretty sure her alarm will go off any minute and she really needs those crackers. Some days, she thinks maybe he can read her mind because as soon as she thinks it, he's kissing her forehead and carefully extracting himself from her. She gives him a reassuring smile as he backs out of the bathroom - never taking his eyes off of her until he's forced to. As soon as he's gone, she drops her head against the bathtub and presses a hand to her abdomen.

It's still strange to think about it. The fact that she's pregnant...with Castle's baby. Their baby. It sends a rush through her and she isn't sure which emotions are mixed in. It's something scary and good. Mostly scary though. She sees a future with him - has for awhile but this isn't something she imagined. Not so soon.

Everything is going to be okay, she hopes. He loves her. Maybe he hasn't said it since their fight - the one that led to her showing up at his door after a long walk in the rain - but he still feels it. She does too. She loves him, even if she hasn't told him. Her thoughts are jumbled this morning and she really just wants to go back to bed but she manages to push herself up from the floor, grabs the handle on the toilet - the silence interrupted by the flush - and reaches for her toothbrush. This first, then crackers.

She brushes her teeth quickly, washes her face and hands before looking at herself in the mirror. She doesn't look as terrible as she thinks she should. A little blush and some eyeliner and she'll be good as new. She can do this. She can get ready, go to work and act completely normal. Just like yesterday and the day before and every day that's passed since she found out.

It's still their secret. She wants to tell Alexis first but she's managed to scare herself into silence. Too much research has her wanting to wait until the second trimester to let anyone else know but Castle doesn't want to wait. She understands, she does because it's in her eyes. She wants to share it too - at least with family.

"You still okay?" His voice startles her, makes her heart skip a beat before quickening.

"I'm fine, just queasy." He's staring at her with that face - the one that tells her he isn't sure if he should believe her or call bullshit. She really isn't sure either but she's pregnant, not dying and just to prove it to him, she grabs his chin and pulls him to her lips.

It starts as just a kiss. Something soft and sure but she lets it morph, feels her body responding when his tongue slips into her mouth. She tugs him closer, cards her fingers through his hair. Her nausea is forgotten and she lets her hormones take over. She's pushing against him. Teeth, tongue, groping. All of it. She wants him but she can't have him right now.

He's the responsible one. She never thought she'd say that but it's true. He's the one who stops - drags his mouth away from hers and brushes a kiss along her cheek.

"A glass of water and a package of crackers are next to the bed."

"Thank you." He really is amazing. Loving. Phenomenal. She steps around him, let's him have the bathroom to himself but then she feels something bubble up in her chest and she knows there's no keeping this to themselves. She wants to have the moments with him - the smiles and touches. She doesn't want to have to censor herself. She doesn't want to hide in front of their family. She doesn't want to lie about why she can't keep her food on the inside of her body.

She glances back over her shoulder, watches him as he runs a hand down the front of his face and leans against the sink. He looks tired - she wonders how long he's been awake. It must have been a Nikki night. She knows he fell asleep next to her a little after midnight but vacated the bed sometime before dawn. He does that sometimes - leaves her alone in the bed to wake cold and lonely but she knows why. Never questions him.

"Castle, do you think maybe Alexis could meet us for lunch?" The smile that lights up his face is one for the books. She's pretty sure it's pure happiness radiating through him in this moment.

"I'll call her."

**a/n: Because I actually don't like pancakes. Also, I don't plan on writing out the scene where they tell Alexis because in my head - this story is really only about them and their moments as a couple.  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I'm actually glad I don't own Castle. It's awesome as is and anything I would do would probably ruin it.  
**

**A/N: I seriously can't thank all of you enough. This story has so many followers, readers, reviewers, just everything.  
People tend to forget how one little thing can make or break someone's day and I just want each of you to know that you make my day. Also...it's Castle day so that helps too. I'm always so excited on Mondays and no one in my family ever understands.  
**

**Happy Castle Day!**

Her chest still aches in disappointment - no not disappointment - maybe frustration and anger. All at herself. It's her fault. It hurts and it shouldn't but it does because she cares. She _cares. _Kate can't get it out of her head - the talk with Alexis - and she knows that she's made mistakes but she can't have a do-over and she has to live with them. She wasn't ready but she is now - she's ready for Castle and his family and the love but it's not always enough because she hurt people in the process of healing herself. She hates that.

_"I'm happy for you guys. Congratulations." _

It keeps repeating in her head like one of those bad pop songs that gets stuck and drives you insane. It's been almost three days and still it's there. Alexis had smiled, hugged them both, but Kate noticed that it didn't quite reach her eyes. The girl is just too polite. It bugs her - not that she's polite but the fact that she isn't comfortable expressing her true thoughts about something that clearly affects her. Okay, no, it doesn't just bug her. The way Castle twitches in his sleep _bugs _her. This eats away at her.

She can't even concentrate on her job and she really needs to. There's questions that need to be answered, a killer that needs to be caught and still it's there - taunting her. If her other half notices, he says nothing but she knows it's on his mind too. She can see it in the way he furrows his brow when he's quiet. And that's another thing, he's quiet. He's been so quiet that even Ryan and Esposito cornered her, asked her if 'Mom' and 'Dad' were fighting. She isn't sure how she feels about that.

A wave of nausea rocks her and she stops mid-stride to the murder board. She waits for it to calm, resists the urge to rub her hand along her stomach but Castle is looking at her. He knows and gives her a slight nod. It's his way of asking if she's okay and really it's getting a little old. Yes, it's sweet but it's morning sickness - not the plague. Maybe she's just in a crabby mood because of everything that's happened. Alexis. Morning sickness. Murder. It doesn't exactly equal sunshine and rainbows.

And now her stomach is betraying her once again. At the rate she's going, she isn't going to need to tell her boys or the captain. It'll be pretty obvious when her lunch decides to join their investigation. The churning in her middle isn't subsiding. It's worsening. Apparently their baby isn't a fan of Chinese either. What is she supposed to eat?

She knows she's gonna be sick but for the moment she pushes forward and steps up next to Ryan. His cologne is a little strong today but she just scrunches her nose and deals with it as she tries to pay attention to the facts. But her stomach is protesting, distracting her and she really needs an out. Her eyes close on a harsh roll of queasiness and she blows a breath out through parted lips.

"Uh, Beckett are you okay? Javi and I can do the interrogation if you need us to." Her eyes snap open, and she looks at the man questioning her. She knows the guys love her but the concern on Ryan's face still hits her in the chest like a brick. Her baby is going to be so very loved and that though alone almost brings tears to her eyes.

"Headache." The abhorrence that is her stomach contracts and she knows she's out of time. Abruptly, she walks away, muttering 'Tylenol' and hoping no one questions it. She's gonna have to come clean soon if this doesn't stop.

It's embarrassing that she ends up in a public bathroom, down on her knees, retching into a toilet that she's positive she doesn't want her face near. It becomes worse when she hears a flush coming from the stall next to her and knows that the woman is hearing the contents of her stomach being expelled from the confines of her body.

This is the third time she's been sick at work but the other two times, she was out chasing down a lead so it wasn't obvious to anyone besides Castle. She always feels fine after this. Once she's been sick then she's okay and now is no different. Her stomach calms, the storm settling but she waits until she hears the door open and close before she flushes.

She gives herself a minute at the sink to collect herself, rinses her mouth out and washes her hands. As strange as it seems, she actually misses the feel of a hand smoothing down her back and the way he always kisses her head after she's been sick. Ten minutes ago she felt like he was getting a tad too suffocating and now she's missing it? Why can't she get her thoughts together today?

She doesn't want to go back out but she knows she has to. If someone asks, she isn't sure what she's going to say. It seems like 'the food didn't agree with me' is too lame. Maybe she should just tell everyone. It's not like they can hide it forever. But she loves working with Castle and if Gates takes that away...

She shakes her head trying to rid herself of such thoughts. Her mind is a minefield today and she isn't sure what to do about it. She needs to go home, really think things through and tuck certain aspects away in neatly compartmentalized boxes.

She isn't prepared for the hand catching her wrist as soon as she steps through the exit of the bathroom or the blue eyes laced with something that shoots straight through her heart the very second she sees it. This man undoes her. He strokes his thumb over her palm quickly before dropping her hand. He's smart enough to know there are eyes everywhere and she's glad that he isn't pushing it. He's still the same even though there's a baby thrown into the mix now - cautious and she loves him for it.

"I'm fine."

"I know but I didn't want you to think that I don't care." She's a little stunned. He isn't teasing, there's only seriousness in his tone and it makes her wonder what this whole thing with Alexis has done to him.

"Castle..."

"I know you've been frustrated with me because I might cling a little but I just don't want you to question how I feel about this. It's unexpected and maybe not everyone understands but Kate, I'm not upset that you're -"

"Not here. Later, at home." He doesn't ask which home and she doesn't tell. She's thinking her apartment though - just because privacy is guaranteed. "And, I know."

"Good." She does know and it's one of the sweetest things. He is one of the sweetest things. Now that she really thinks about it, yeah, she would rather deal with him being a little too close to the action and constantly being there to the point of annoyance than not caring at all.

"Good. Now we need to get back out there before they get curious." She doesn't step away, she inches forward - closer to his chest and drops her voice an octave. And yes, she is aware that it drives him absolutely mad with want. "We got a suspect to crack, and then maybe after we talk, I could do a little_ investigating _of my own."

That's as close as she's getting to kissing him at the moment and he takes it. Absorbs it. She doesn't see the way his eyes widen because hers are too busy raking over him, head to toe. A hum leaves her throat and she bites her lip - yeah she's definitely going to investigate later, hypothesize, come to a conclusion with him.

"Let's get this bastard and get out of here." A chuckle escapes her lips and she shakes her head. Still so easy but she can't fault him for that. It makes things fun, keeps it interesting.

* * *

It creeps in again after dinner. Her belly is deliciously full of spaghetti and garlic bread. It's surprisingly calm - usually she's a little queasy after she eats, no matter what. This is nice. She can sit comfortably on her bed with a book in her lap but she can't push the mantra in her head away.

_"I'm happy for you guys. Congratulations."  
_

The book falls, unloved and unwanted at this exact moment. Why is this so hard? Why is it bothering her so much? Castle was right, Alexis is an adult and she'll get used to the idea. It still hurts. Her chest still knots and she finds herself absently rubbing the scar between her breasts. The bullet that caused so many problems. No. Actually it wasn't only the bullet that caused them, she helped too. Can she even be a mom?

"So you are cheating on me, I see." Her eyes dart up to catch sight of his form leaning against the doorway. "Patterson? In the bed we share?"

Normally she would come back at him with something sarcastic, witty and just a tad dirty but she can't. Her heart isn't in it so she just offers a smile and places the book on the nightstand. Her fingers twist together as soon as her lap is empty and she watches them, rubs her thumbs together and just hopes the answers come.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He's at her side in an instant, sitting next to her and brushing a wayward strand of hair out of her face. She wants to collapse against him, let her frustrations out and just let go of the emotions boiling beneath her skin but she can't. She isn't going to cry. She's not. Her vision isn't getting blurry - she's just tired.

"Alexis."

"Is fine. She's okay, Kate and she's happy for us." Even as he's trying to reassure her, she can see that he doesn't believe it either and it haunts him just as much.

"No, she's not." He tries to cut in but she doesn't let him - shakes her head to stop his words before they start. It isn't the time for sugar coating. "She's an adult and she's just found out that she's going to be a big sister - she's not okay. She's confused and probably a little hurt. It's been the two of you for her entire life - no siblings and now that she goes away to college, I'm here and I'm pregnant? Trust me Castle, she's not okay."

"But she will be. Give it some time."

"This is why I wanted to tell her first, to show her that she's important - because she is, Castle, she's important to me. And I know it hurts you that she isn't excited."

"Okay, I'll give you that one." Somehow she's kept her facade. No tears are rolling down her cheeks and she really does feel better after getting all of it out in the open. "But I'm still happy about this. We're the best partners - we'll be kick ass parents."

She doesn't tell him about how she plans to call his daughter - see if she'll meet her so they can really talk. Without him. He's kind of a distraction but she laughs at his silliness.

"You've already proven that you're an amazing dad with your daughter, I don't know about me."

"You'll be great. You already are - you're sitting here all worked up because Alexis is struggling. Kate, she doesn't even share your DNA and you're so loving. It hurts me to see you doubt that." He's stroking her cheek and she cants her body towards him, seeking more of his comfort. That's all he's been doing lately, comforting her, and she hopes that she's somehow doing the same.

She glances up at him through her lashes, wonders if he can see how much she really loves these moments with him. She can already picture it in her head - how he'll be with the baby. She can see him holding a bundle of blankets and whispering promises to their child. Her breath escapes her lungs, refuses to come back and she can feel her lip tremble but she isn't crying. She won't.

She swallows roughly, pulls him closer by tugging on his elbow and then he's in her space. He's surrounding her, touching her, and she just hopes it never ends.

"I want to tell everyone." The words are strong from her mouth but she's terrified. "My dad and your mom, Lanie, the boys, Gates."

"Your call Kate, we do it together but it's your call."

"We have the doctor's appointment next week. I was thinking after, we could do it." Her lips press to his, fast and hot but it's quick. She isn't done. Well she's done with being sentimental and gooey but she's far from done with him. "I think it's about time I start that investigation we discussed."

"Oh? Well who am I to argue with a detective." She catches his smile with her lips, bites softly at his pout until he's moaning against her. His hands press to her thighs, skim up to her hips and she's being pulled but she doesn't stop him. She goes willingly to his lap, feels him cradle the back of her head as his tongue does sinful things with hers.

Heat floods her system, taking over every nerve ending in her body. She just wants him. Her thoughts can take a backseat because this - the way he holds her, touches her, - _this _is as close to perfect as it gets and not even her nagging mind can take that away.

**a/n: Half asleep...any mistakes are my own, point them out kindly and I shall fix them. :)  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Nope.  
**

**A/N: I'm pretty nervous about this chapter because I'm pretty proud of it. That's all I really have to say this time. :)  
**

**Thank you dear readers!**

The words are stuck in her throat, the speech she practiced in her head over and over has left - gone with the wind. Now that she's sitting on the grass in Morningside Park with Alexis, Kate's at a loss on what to say. Everything sounds cliche in her head and she just doesn't want to mess this up. This is Castle's first kid, his beautiful eighteen year old daughter and she needs this to work.

But she's just sitting here, probably getting grass stains on her favorite jeans and staring at the tree behind Alexis. It's awkward and she's hoping for a sign, something to break the silence. Apparently his daughter notices because she's the one to smash through the ice.

"Thanks for meeting me here, I would've loved to come to dinner tonight but I have a lab until eight." Kate almost blows an audible sigh of relief through her lips but she stops herself just in time - smiles and lets her eyes meet with the red head's. She can see that the girl is just as uncomfortable but is trying to be polite.

This isn't how she wants to do this. Maybe this isn't a good idea. Maybe she should have just done this over the phone. No, no this is what needs to happen. It needs to be face to face. She knows that.

"This is actually better than what I had in mind anyway." It's the truth. This is probably more relaxing and the fresh air feels great but the lingering feeling of being out of place needs to go away. "Alexis, I don't want this to be awkward but I'm not sure how to say what I want to say."

"I'm not trying to be rude but I don't really know why you asked to meet me." Kate knows it's a partial lie but she lets her get by with it. Pretends that she doesn't catch the way Alexis chews on the inside of her cheek. It's an obvious tell. "Maybe you could start there."

"I know you're not happy about me being pregnant." She doesn't mean to say it quite like that but it's what she came to clear up. It just spills out and she doesn't know why it came out like word vomit. She can see the shock on his daughter's face, the way she tries to hide her feelings and that familiar clutching in her chest comes back. It hurts. "You could see that your dad was excited and you played the part so you wouldn't hurt his feelings."

"That's not true, Beckett -"

"Kate, you could call me Kate." The young woman nods, drops her gaze and Kate knows what she's doing. She's the queen of it after all, the moment it takes to collect yourself. "I'm not mad."

"You don't understand, it's not like that."

"I know that it's been just you and your dad for pretty much your entire life. I don't blame you for feeling like maybe I'm taking that away." She doesn't. She can't blame her for such a thing but it still bothers her. Because she isn't. She wants them to be a family. A real one.

She isn't expecting the way Alexis blinks, the way her eyes fill with tears and shit, she doesn't want her to cry. This isn't what she came here to do. She can not make Castle's daughter cry. Panic floods her chest, tightens around her lungs and she reaches before she thinks - grabs hold of one of the pale hands, strokes her thumb over the soft skin.

"No, you don't understand. It's not that." Kate swallows a lump rising in her throat because she is not going to get upset when it's clear one of them already is. "If Dad is gonna have a baby with anyone then I'm really glad it's you. He loves you."

"Alexis -"

"I'm not upset about it, shocked, yes but not unhappy. I know that maybe I didn't do a very good job of making that clear and I'm sorry." It doesn't make sense, she doesn't know why else the girl had looked so brought down by the news just days ago. "It has been just us and I don't have siblings but I know you're not taking him away."

"Then you're right, I don't understand." Fingers grip tighter to her own and she lets Alexis take the comfort she needs as a tear spills down her cheek. Great, she's done it. She made her cry. The lump she swallowed comes back with a vengeance and she sucks in a deep breath.

"You're a cop, you've been shot and you almost _died. _Dad's almost died too and I got kidnapped just for being related to a man I've never met and didn't even know existed. What if it happens again? What if someone else out there pieces together the puzzle but chooses you or worse, what if they take the baby? What if something happens to one of you and -"

"Whoa, hey, breathe. Okay, just breathe." Kate recognizes the way she curls in on herself, the way her shoulders slump and how her hand is practically crushing her own. She knows this. She wishes she didn't but she does and without a second thought, she pulls Alexis into her chest. She hugs her - she's hugged her before but this is different. This is more. "You're a smart girl, Alexis, you know that anything can happen to anybody and there's nothing healthy about getting lost in the 'what-ifs'. Trust me, I've been there - more than once."

She feels the hands at her back tighten, pull a little on her hair but she says nothing of it. This is an offer of comfort and it's clear that little Castle needs it more than she's been letting on. Kate mentally smacks herself, this is obviously something she should have noticed. It's common and she's a detective for crying out loud. She's suffered through the same torment.

"When does it stop?" Her eyes close at the words and she wishes she had an answer but she doesn't. She still has bad days. "When do I stop being afraid to go around every corner - to go out at night?"

"I wish I knew. I wish I could give you an exact date but I can't." Honesty is the best thing. Even if it hurts and it isn't what Alexis wants to hear, Kate knows that she'll appreciate it later. The awkwardness is gone, there's no room for it - not even when they let go and both are back in their own personal space. It's vanished in this moment. "You haven't talked to your dad about this have you?"

"He has enough on his plate."

"No, Alexis, he always has time for you and I think you should tell him how you feel. Have you been seeing anyone?" It doesn't shock her when the girl shakes her head. "It's a good place to start. It helps."

"I didn't mean to make this about me, I just need you to know that I'm not mad at you or upset, Kate." Those blue eyes are haunting and Kate wonders why she didn't see it before. "I sort of took over everything, even the location."

"It's okay, better than dinner plans." The look she receives is unsure and she's just ready to pick this up, leave on a high note and not a low one. "Food isn't really my friend right now."

It works, a small laugh is her reward and it makes her heart soar. This is better.

"Morning sickness?"

"Try all-day sickness." Silence takes over for a few seconds and Kate bites her lip, rolls it between her teeth as she thinks. She wants to work on things. Be better at this. "I uh, I have a doctor's appointment Tuesday, if you'd like to come?"

"Oh, no, that's a moment between you and Dad. I couldn't intrude like that." She wants to tell her that she wouldn't be intruding but she doesn't have the chance. His daughter is a quick thinker and sometimes, a bit of a rambler but it's okay. Apparently it runs in the family and it's rather adorable. "But, maybe you could send me a picture of the ultrasound?"

"Of course."

"I am happy. I am but things are just a mess in my head right now." That's something that no one - especially Kate - can judge her for. It'll just take some time. "Dad thinks I'm angry?"

"Maybe you should call him tonight and explain things so he understands." She's sure that both of them feel better by the time she leaves. Even though her heart aches because she knows the fear, knows how it feels to constantly be on alert. It's not healthy, it's poisonous and dark. Everything Alexis isn't. Everything she hopes her child never has to go through.

* * *

The loft is dark when she enters - she doesn't know where Castle is but he isn't in the living room and all the lights are off. She finds it a little odd considering she doesn't have to be at work today and she told him she was coming over. She listens, doesn't hear anything other than the hum of appliances.

"Castle?" He doesn't answer and her brow furrows. Maybe she just needs to call him.

It's second nature now to remove her jacket - hang it in the closet and kick off her shoes. She always carries them to his bedroom and this time is no exception. She doesn't think about it, just plans on dropping them next to the closet and then fishing out her phone to find out where he is.

But she doesn't need to. As soon as she steps into the bedroom, she sees him. He's sacked out on the bed - fully dressed and face down in the pillow. His clothes are the same ones he was wearing the day before. She remembers these things, not to mention she definitely remembers grabbing his collar in the parking garage and giving him a kiss before she left for the night. Same shirt.

He looks exhausted, even as he's sleeping. Dark circles under his eyes and he's drooling a little. She makes a face when she notices but it's still kind of cute. Oh great, what is this pregnancy doing to her? She thinks his drooling is cute? She's not sure she likes all these hormones.

She drops her shoes, pads over the bed and uses her body to cover his. Her chest presses to his back, one knee between his legs to keep her balance and another next to his hip. She really wants him to be awake but she's torn because he really does look like he hasn't slept much in the last twenty-four hours.

"Castle," Her breath ghosts over the back of his neck - lips pressing to his skin in a soft kiss, and she buries her nose in his hair. His smell calms her. Makes her relax.

Her fingers squeeze his side and he wiggles, hums. She kisses his neck again, let's her mouth linger this time. He's awake - she knows he is from the very second his breathing changes. He seems content with the position she's in, doesn't move from beneath her but his head turns until his cheek fills her line of sight and she can see that he has at least one eye open.

"Hey, sleepyhead. Late night?"

"M'yeah. Time s'it?" As much as she likes being draped over him, she wants to see his face from a better angle. She rolls to the side, lets her body settle in next to his.

"A little after nine." Judging by his groan and the way he rubs a hand down his face, she knows he must have just went to sleep not too long ago. A nap doesn't sound so bad. She's been up since before five but at least this time, she only got sick once. So far, so good. "Sleep, I could use a nap anyway."

"C'mere." His hand reaches for her as he rolls onto his side, pulls her into him. He relaxes and his eyes slide shut as if he doesn't have the energy to keep them open a second longer. She wants to tell him where she's been. It almost seems wrong to keep it from him but she doesn't want to be the one to explain why his daughter is struggling to accept things. Maybe she should just give him a heads up though.

"Alexis is gonna call you tonight." His eyes stay closed and she can't stop a smile from taking over. He's the best cuddler when he's like this.

"Talk to 'Lexis?"

"I met her this morning - we talked about the baby." She catches a flash of blue, sleepy and red rimmed. He's trying to keep his eyes open. "I probably should have told you but I needed to do this. I want her to be part of this."

"How'd it go?"

"She's okay with it, I was wrong but she has to be the one to explain things to you." She sees the worry surface and places her hand hand on his cheek. He's stubbly, needs a shave. It's prickly against her fingers but it's also sexy. She tries to scoot closer but something pokes her in the hip - it's sharp and uncomfortable, jabs at her painfully.

Her hand seeks the obstruction blocking her path, meets what feels like the spine of a book. She's never known him to stay up all night reading. Writing yes but not reading. He doesn't stop her when she pulls the paperback up between them, the colors of the cover are the first thing that catches her attention. Her eyes focus on it, read the title and then she's searching his gaze, asking him if this is what she thinks it is but it's rather obvious. The title clearly states it.

"Is this what you were doing all night?" Her heart is pounding, racing faster when he nods and she's pretty sure he's the sweetest man on the planet. In this very moment, she decides that yes, he is. She glances back down at the book in her hands - studies the smiling face on it and the pink and blue blocks. Smooths her thumb over the bent cover. Baby names. He was reading baby names all night. "Castle, we have months..."

"Wanted to get a head start." She knows he's tired but she really just wants to rip his clothes off because this is surprising and heartwarming and so very good. He always does this, _always_ does something that leaves her speechless. "Circled ones I like in blue - thought you could use red and we'll discuss the ones we both circle? Just a thought. I only made it through 'B'."

Forget the nap. She needs to catch up and there's no where else she'd rather be than in his bed while he's snoozing next to her. She steals a lazy kiss, drags her lips over his slowly and feels him hum against her. Crazy thoughtful man.

"Sleep, I'll be here when you wake up."

**a/n: I want to make Alexis (because I love Molly Quinn) a bigger part of their lives and I feel like she kinda just gets pushed to the side a lot and they don't really do a whole lot of character development so that's what I was hoping to accomplish with this chapter and I just fell in love with it. Which makes me nervous because it's like I'm presenting you with my baby and you get judge it.  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: (Insert witty remark here.)  
**

**A/N: Okay, seriously...I can't even. Guys! All of you are the best. Here's a thing most don't know about me but today I'm super stressed and just done dealing with it: I moved home to help take care of my dad who is developing dementia. Most days, I feel like an awful person because I can't stand him and this is why I write.  
**

**Thank you to all my anonymous reviewers that I can't reply to personally!**

His leg is shaking - it's driving Kate crazy because his leg is shaking and she knows he's excited but still. It's making that annoying sound of fabric rubbing against fabric and she just needs him to stop. Her hand shoots out, pushes his knee down but she doesn't want him to think she's angry so she gives him a squeeze. Really, she's not - she's just nervous and he isn't helping.

"Sorry. Just excited."

"I know." She is too but she's also being hit with the realization that this is definitely happening. They're in a waiting room with pictures of babies and development charts on the walls. Yeah, she might be having a slight panic attack on the inside. She doesn't let it show, keeps her features as schooled as possible because she doesn't want people poking their nose in her business but she's shaking on the inside.

Castle must be able to tell because he's suddenly coaxing her fingers apart so his can slide between them. She looks over at him, the way his eyes are dancing - she hopes he isn't reading her reactions the wrong way. She wants this baby but this is _terrifying._ She's never been more intimidated by anyone in her entire life and this little person hasn't even been born yet - no where close to it.

She jumps - physically startles - when they call her name. Castle smirks at her, clearly he's amused but she isn't and he's going to pay for that later. She doesn't know what to expect - okay she does because she cheated and did some research - but her heart is racing and the only thing she's been asked to do is step on a scale. Is it normal that she doesn't want to let go of his hand?

Her brain is buzzing, thousands of thoughts flying around all at once and she pretty much ignores the man at her side but not purposefully. It's just a little strange to have him with her when she's in a doctor's office. And really, it's a little awkward that she has to pee in a cup. That's gonna take some time to get used to.

She's really not listening to anything the nurse says. She needs to but she can't because she's stuck on the fact that this is happening. It's real. She's really about to strip her clothes off for a physical exam and answer a slew of personal questions while basically naked. Awesome. Just lovely and she's managed to freak herself out once again because her need to always be in control made her look up what to expect and she's not really looking forward to the first ultrasound.

It's just invasive and embarrassing and she wants to just fast forward through it. Maybe it's a good thing Alexis declined her offer. She still could have come, she supposes but maybe not been a part of that process. It's bad enough that Castle's been through this before and she's over here freaking out.

"Miss Beckett?"

"Uh, what, sorry." Last she checked they were alone but now there's a woman in front of them and she's pretty sure this will be her doctor. At least she looks friendly.

"First baby?"

"Yeah - well my first. His second." The man next to her is her strength - he squeezes her hand again. Let's her know that she's okay and this is perfectly normal. People do this all the time.

"I'll make this as comfortable as possible then." Oh great. That makes her feel so much better. "I'm Doctor Thomas but you can call me Lilly."

She already knows that. She's the one who picked her doctor but it's still a nice gesture to break the ice - so to speak.

"You already know my name, but this is -"

"Richard Castle, I've read his books." And that's just what Kate needs. Another person to feed her boyfriend's ego. She can already see it inflating. He sits up a little straighter, flashes their doctor a smile. He's going to be impossible to live with after this. Live with. Oh god, why hasn't she thought of this sooner? Does he expect her to move into the loft with him?

Focus, she needs to focus.

"I like her, Kate. You picked a good one."

"Of course you do." She rolls her eyes but leaves out the part that he likes anyone who admits to being a fan. She let's some of the nerves slip away. Okay, maybe her doc is pretty good at this. She's starting to relax a little and she's not gripping Castle's hand quite as frantically as she was. He probably appreciates that. "Ignore him, his ego doesn't need the boost."

She catches his pout but he lets her have the last word. Only because she's so uncomfortable - she knows this but it's still rather sweet. It makes her forget that a woman she's never met is about to have her hands somewhere that's really reserved for a certain person. It's awkward enough at her yearly gynecology appointments.

"Okay, let's get started, I'm gonna talk you through everything. Your blood pressure looks great - we'll just do a quick physical exam and then get to the good part. You'll see your baby before you leave."

Yes, it's really happening. The panic comes back but Castle's still here, still brushing his thumb over hers and that helps just a little bit. She chooses to look at him while answering a few questions that her doctor throws at her - tries to ignore that the woman's hands are cold. It's a weird thought and she doesn't want it in her brain.

"What do you do for a living, Kate?" She has the sneaking suspicion that the woman already knows but she humors her anyway. It makes the process less invasive.

"I'm a homicide detective with the NYPD." The blue eyes watching her fill with pride and she can't help but smile at him. He's always so proud to have her. Even before this - before she took this beautiful, scary, wondrous leap with him. She's pretty proud of him too - of his heart, his patience. Okay, she's getting too sappy over this and she needs to pee.

"She's the best out there." He can't say things like that. It makes her turn into such a girl.

"Are there any health concerns that either of you have? Histories of family illness, anything?" Castle shakes his head, looks at the doctor and she's thinking. She is because there's nothing that she's aware of but what...what if...

"I was shot - in the heart. Not recently but is that...will it..." She can't finish because she isn't sure what she's even asking but she searches the doctors face - wants her to understand.

"From what I can see, you're in perfect health - your heart sounded fine. If you were cleared to return to active duty then I'm pretty sure you're more than qualified to have a baby, Kate." Relief floods through her and she finally gets it. She's been worrying about this - even if she didn't know it. It's been there lurking and she suddenly feels a lot better. "How 'bout we do the ultrasound, get you guys out of here?"

"That sounds good." It doesn't seem as bad as she's been making it out to be anymore. Just another step closer but the woman's hands are still cold and ah, okay, that's uncomfortable. Now she really needs to pee. She tries not to think about it but the discomfort shows on her face. There's a short breath that escapes her lungs because she's getting jittery and she really just wants to close her legs. This is going to be the only baby they ever have because she isn't doing this again. Castle better know that.

For some reason, her eyes aren't on the screen - she doesn't even notice the fuzzy gray scale picture until she feels her fingers being clenched tightly - tighter than just a few seconds ago. She looks at him but his eyes are glued somewhere else and she sees it on his face - oh, she's missing it. Her head snaps to the right, gaze searching and then her heart stops - starts again with a burst in her chest that she's pretty sure would have sent her to her knees if she were standing. There's really a baby inside of her. _Oh_.

She's really doing this. She's really going to be a mother. A mom. Someone is going to call her 'mommy' and ouch, that stings - she misses hers, misses her mom more in this very second. It's beautiful though, so very beautiful. It's just a blob with arms and legs on a screen of white noise but it's her blob. Hers. And Castle's. She distantly hears the doctor say she's eleven weeks along.

Her vision goes blurry and no, she's not going to cry because that's dumb but her breath stutters and she can't help it. A single tear spills over and shit, she's crying. She never let herself see a future with kids - she's always just pushed her mother's case - closed herself off. No life for a child - no life for anyone. She's having a baby.

* * *

She's still looking at it when they're back in the car. He's driving - rather quietly. Neither of them have said much. It's still fully sinking in. The photo of their little blob with it's little arms and legs. That's what she's calling it...until she comes up with something more fitting. A nickname fit for a writer's child. She needs to tell her dad that he's going to be a grandpa.

Her hand is shaking when she gets her phone out of her jacket pocket. She doesn't know how to do this. How to call someone and tell them something like this. Maybe she needs to tell him in person but she really can't stand the thought of waiting one more minute. She snaps a picture of the ultrasound - remembering the promise she made to Alexis. She adds a simple line at the bottom saying 'baby 11 weeks' and hits send.

It's unreal. The head, the body, and she can see grainy looking tiny toes. This doesn't feel anything like what she thought it would. It's so much more powerful.

"Hey," It's been so quiet that she's not really surprised that his voice is soft, rough. "We going back to the precinct?"

"No. I told Gates there was an emergency and I'd be back tomorrow - although by now I'm sure she's noticed your absence too but I plan on telling her in the morning."

"It worries you, doesn't it?"

"What if she kicks you out?" It's a legitimate question and yes, it worries her. It scares her but this is more important. She needs to take it easy now and she needs the support and freedom to do that. Because nothing is taking this away - she won't let it.

"We'll cross that bridge if we have to." He pats her thigh, doesn't mention the fact that she's still staring. She doesn't know why she can't look away yet but she's pretty sure it's contagious because every red light, every pause the vehicle makes, she can feel his eyes on it too.

"We made a baby." Her words echo those he said the night she told him. The same wonder lacing them. "Castle, I need to tell my dad."

"Do you want to see if he's free to meet us somewhere?"

"No. I don't want to wait." She bites her lip, finally lifts her eyes from the photo in her hands. She tucks her hair behind her ear, looks over at him and begs him to get it. "Do you think it's rude to call?"

"I - no Kate. It's not rude that you're this excited about it. That's a good thing - an amazing thing." He's right, she knows he is but her thumb still hovers - not entirely sure if she's ready to press the button and hear her father's voice. She briefly wonders if her father ever figured out his text message system. One way to find out.

She forwards the picture message she sent to Alexis and waits - he will definitely call if he gets it. That's one way to do it. She's just excited and feeling playful. She's always loved raising her father's blood pressure so why should this be any different?

They don't even make it a block and her phone is blaring in her palm, vibrating and lighting up with a picture of her father. Looks like he learned how to use it after all. Her heart leaps into her throat - why does she feel like a teenager again? Gulping in a breath, she presses 'answer' and tries to sound calm and nonchalant.

"Hey, Dad."

_"Katie, I need to talk to Rick."_ Oh, so that's how he's going to play this. She smirks, glances over at the unsuspecting man in the driver's seat.

"Sure." She's tempted to just put it on speaker but she has a feeling that she isn't supposed to hear what the 'men' talk about. It's ridiculous and slightly caveman but she'll play along. She moves the phone away from her ear, stretches out her hand toward Castle. He glances at her in confusion, doesn't understand. He wouldn't, she sorta didn't tell him that she sent the ultrasound picture to her father just minutes ago. "Dad wants to talk to you about the fact that I'm pregnant with your child."

It's comical really, the way his eyes widen and he shakes his head. Is he scared of her dad? That's so cute. She offers the phone, but he tries to push it away and maintain control of the car at the same time. He's mouthing the word 'no' but she pushes it into his hand - mouths back a silently sharp 'yes' and folds her arms over her chest. He has no choice.

"Uh, Jim, hi." She's itching to hear what her dad says. "Wait, she what? Kate, did you just send your dad -"

"Yeah, I was just curious if he ever learned how to work his phone properly. Guess so." She gives him a smile and really she's not too worried. Her dad is a good man. He knows they love each other - he's going to be thrilled.

"That's not how I thought she was going to tell you." A look of pure relief floods Castle's face and she knows her father just congratulated him - or something similar. "Everyday."

That one word sends her imagination into overdrive. She wants to know what her dad said or asked that warranted such a look of delight and a reply that's so filled with sincerity. She really should have put him on speaker. This isn't as fun as she thought it would be.

"I'll let you talk to Kate." He passes her the phone, way more relaxed than he was moments ago.

"Hey, Dad." Her cheeks are starting hurt but she can't seem to shake the smile from her face for more than a few seconds at a time.

_"You trying to give me a heart attack, Katie?"_

"Just keeping you on your toes."

_"I always thought you'd grow out of that. So you're really pregnant, huh?" _If he's attempting to be disappointed, he's failing miserably because she can hear the happiness that coats the question.

"Yeah, I am."

_"You'll be a great mom, Katie. You mother would be so proud of you - I'm proud of you." _All the emotion surfaces, springs a leak as she feels her eyes immediately water. _"You found a good guy and you're happy. That's all a parent wants for their child, happiness."_

Her dam breaks, she chokes on a sob and Castle slides his palm up and down her leg. Her dad just had to take it there, didn't he? She loves him so much - he's her dad. And he's going to spoil her baby rotten. She already knows it and she really wouldn't have it any other way.

"Dad..."

_"I won't keep you sweetheart, but I love you and this is the best news I've heard in a long time." _

"I love you too." She doesn't drop the phone from her ear until she hears the click. Another person in their little family knows. That's two other people besides them and soon it'll be everybody. She wipes at her cheeks and finds herself once again staring down at the picture of their growing unborn child. "I want to go home, Castle."

"We're almost there." She hopes he knows that she means her apartment. That's another thing they need to talk about but it can wait because nothing is going to take away from the fact that she saw her baby for the first time. _They _saw _their _baby for the first time.

"Does it feel different than Alexis?" She's genuinely curious. Is he feeling the same things she is or are his emotions less overpowering because he's done this before.

"Yes." It shocks her that disappointment rapidly bubbles in her chest but she's been hoping that he feels the same and now that he openly admits he doesn't, yeah it kinda stings. She turns her attention to the outside world, looks out the window and tries to control herself. They're almost to her apartment - she likes that he knows her so well.

"Thank you for being honest."

"It's the same thrill, the same worry, same fears but it's different because it's with you, Kate. Not because it's any less amazing or because I don't love this one just as much."

And again, his love hits her in the face like a mack truck. She doesn't deserve him - he's just...he's everything. But she's so glad she has him and it's moments like these - or when he stays up all night going through baby names - that make it perfectly clear, she's with the right man.

**a/n: This one is kinda long but I blame Kate because she wanted to tell her dad and refused to wait. She's a little bossy. :)  
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	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't even make minimum wage right now. Dude, no.  
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**A/N: With every chapter I post this story gets more followers and more favorites. Most amazing feeling. Enjoy more of the little Castle world I'm building. Random secret: I always listen to love songs when I write this story. Tonight it was 'Just By Being You' by Steel Magnolia.  
**

**Also: My fanfic account never alerted me that this had been updated when I posted chapter 5 - so if you feel like you might have missed it, that could be a reason.**

**Dandan2220723: Thank you so much! Also, I have so much respect for parents so yay for you being a dad!  
**

Kate hates that it's come to this but there's no other way. It's now or it'll end up being put off _again_ and she just doesn't want that. It's bad enough that it's been a week since she first saw her baby and she still hasn't come clean to her Captain. She'd planned on it - really she had but then there was a case and it just wasn't the right time.

Of course, if she's listening to her inner self then this isn't the right time either but she needs to let Gates know and really, the voice in her head just needs to shut up. It isn't helping.

"We could do it together." Castle needs to shut up too because she's starting to actually consider it but she _knows _him and he'll end up saying something he shouldn't and then they'll both be in trouble. Not that they're going to be making the Dean's list with the news she's going to share but still.

"I think it's best if I talk to her alone." She puts on her brave face - lets him give her fingers a quick brush of his own and then she's doing it. She's closing the distance between herself and the door. Everything is going to be okay.

She knocks on the already open door, not wanting to be rude and just barge in. Gates ushers her in with a wave of the hand and that's when Kate feels her palms start to sweat. She closes the door behind her, wanting the conversation to be private. She isn't ashamed to be pregnant. She isn't ashamed of Castle but she doesn't want him kicked out of the precinct either.

"Yes, Detective Beckett?" She wants to gently work her way into a conversation - make things more comfortable but there's no chance. Really she just needs to accept this. There's no gentle way to blurt out such big life changing news and she really... "Beckett?"

Crap. She's been silent too long.

"Sir, I need to talk to you about a couple of things." Her nerves take a backseat because she is not going to let the woman in front of her know that she's terrified this will be the last time she gets to work with the man she loves. "I recently found out that I'm going to need to limit myself when it comes to certain aspects of this job -"

"Why might that be?" It sort of rubs her the wrong way to be interrupted when she'd planned to get to the point as soon as she finished explaining but she lets it go. It's time to just come out with it.

"I'm almost twelve weeks pregnant." She holds her breath...waits for it. But there's no surprise, no judging look, nothing really and that worries her. She studies her boss, tries to find something but no, there's nothing. And she hasn't even got to the part about Castle being the father.

"I had my suspicions." Out of all the words she's been expecting, she never thought of those. They leave her brow furrowing and her heart racing. What the hell?

"Sir?"

"Morning sickness is kind of a giveaway. At first, I thought you might've had the flu but you seemed fine once you left the restroom and you gave up coffee." She's not sure what to make of this or what she should say. But suddenly it clicks in her head and she feels like an absolute idiot. She only got sick one time in the precinct and someone else had been in the restroom. That's just her luck. Of course it was Gates. Well this is suddenly a little more awkward.

She wants to say something - needs to say something but the Captain is apparently taking pity on her because she's the one to tip her head toward the glass making Kate drag her eyes over to the open blinds. Castle is sitting at her desk, attempting to discreetly watch them. He's so very obvious. She bites her lip, ducks her head to hide the grin on her face.

"I don't think I need three guesses to figure out who the father is." A single nod is all Kate manages because really, she just isn't sure where this is going. It's tense but she's pretty sure she's not being scolded. Yet.

"I know this gives you more than enough reason to kick him out for good but Sir, with all due respect, we work well together." She pauses, watches as Gates raises her eyebrows. Okay, maybe that isn't a great way to explain. "We've been together for awhile, it hasn't affected our closure rate or the way I respond in the field and I-"

"I've heard more than enough, Detective." Here it comes. She feels her stomach sink and she lets her eyes drift, lets them catch with Castle's as he stares in at her. "I'd like to speak to Mr. Castle."

"I'll send him in." Her voice cracks and she's not even ashamed as she turns to the door. Her hand seems foreign, not even attached to her body as it reaches to open it.

"Oh, and Beckett?" She forces herself to look over her shoulder.

"Congratulations." Surprise floods through her veins, spills over into her features and she quickly rushes out before she looks like a complete fool. She wants to hope they're okay, that the small gesture is a sign they'll stay partners but she doesn't let herself get too carried away.

Castle's staring at her - the worry evident on his face and she just wants to hug him. She reaches for his hand instead - not caring who sees now, squeezes and let's a small smile take over her lips. Okay, maybe she's a little hopeful.

"You're smiling. Shall I take that as a good thing?"

"It's hope. She wants to talk to you." She can hear him suck in a sharp breath and let it out slowly. He's just as afraid as she is and for some reason, it's comforting. "We're partners, Castle. Always."

No matter what changes, he's her only partner. He's hers in every way and she wants him to know that they can get through this. Even if it doesn't turn out in their favor, they will cross the bridge and they'll be fine. He gives her a nod and she can tell by the look on his face that he wants to reward her with a kiss but that's pushing it. They're already being watched by at least three sets of eyes.

She lets him go, silently urging him to hurry up and just get this over with. She wants to know where they stand and he's the last piece of the puzzle. She watches him walk, watches as he steps into the office. Her thumb makes it up to her lips and she chew on her nail while she waits. She's just standing by her desk, watching him through the blinds. Is this how he felt mere moments ago? It's kind of like torture - she can't hear what's being said but she can see his mouth moving. His face isn't really giving anything away either. He still looks nervous.

"She won't kick him out." The words come out of nowhere but they're right next to her - loud in her ear and her heart skips a few beats. She loves Javi, she does but the man is too good at sneaking up on people.

"Thanks for trying to make me feel better, Espo, but things are a little more complicated now."

"It's not like you guys could hide it much longer." She's only half listening to him because Castle's expression has changed - he's a little more relaxed. Maybe. Or he's just masking it better.

She's alert enough to know that Ryan joins them, sidles up on her other side. She loves them for being supportive - loves that they're trying to calm her down but they just don't get it. This isn't just about just a relationship anymore.

"Javi's right, I mean you probably only have a few more weeks before you'll start showing." She hears the words loud and clear. Her eyes widen, her head whips around to see Ryan's smirk. She's not thinking - if she were she probably wouldn't have reacted in such an obvious way but the words are out before she can stop them.

"You know?" He nods and she turns to the other side, watches to see if there's any shock on Esposito's face. There isn't any. Does everyone know? He gives her a shrug as if he can read her mind.

"Come on, Beckett, since when does Castle bring you juice boxes instead of coffee? And let's not even mention the hushed conversations you two have been having when you think no ones around." She can't believe this. Okay, yeah, she admits the switch from a coffee cup to those ridiculous boxes of grape juice that Castle insists on showing up with isn't exactly a subtle shift in their routine but part of her thought it would just be labeled as one of his childish quirks.

She doesn't know whether to be happy because now she doesn't have to have the awkward 'I'm pregnant' revelation with them but first, Gates and now her boys? Is it just common knowledge at this point?

"How long have you guys known?"

"Couple weeks." Weeks. Not days, but weeks and she's been thinking they were careful. She doesn't really know what to say now. Oh god, does Lanie already know? She needs to find out but it's going to have to wait because the office door opens and Castle steps out. She gives him her full attention - tries to read his expression.

Her heart is still, calm despite how her mind races. He says nothing, invades her space in what seems like a split second. He ignores the fact that she's sandwiched between Ryan and Esposito and she forgets too as soon as his arms are around her waist. She doesn't fight, let's him pull her in for a hug and feels him let out a heavy sigh. _No_.

"I have to go." It's whispered against her hair and her hands grip him tighter, dig into his back. No. Her heart drops to her toes - at least that's what it feels like. "Just for today, Kate. I get to come back."

She pulls back, pushes against his chest. Her eyes meet with his and he's smiling softly. Kate wants to throttle him for doing this to her - making her feel like this but she settles for pinching his arm as she steps away.

"What'd she say, bro?" Really? The guys seem more interested than she is and that's saying something. Isn't this supposed to be her relationship?

"Basically, one wrong move and I'm gone for good but until then," He glances between the three of them, clearly questioning if she's spilled the news. She hasn't but she gives him a smile and small nod. They know. "we're okay. I think she secretly likes me, even told me Congrats."

Kate doesn't ruin it for him - let's him have his moment but she knows that their boss might've developed a bit of a soft spot when Alexis had been kidnapped. That doesn't mean the woman likes him but again, she's not going to spoil it when he looks excited.

"Meet me at Remy's for lunch? I really want a cheeseburger." What she really wants is him but there won't be time for such shenanigans. A cheeseburger will have to do until she gets off work. Her heart still twists when he walks to the elevator. She's spent more time away from him than just a day - sure, but she's pregnant and emotional. At least, that's what she likes to blame it on.

It probably has more to do with the fact that she's so used to being with him - near him - now. He's in every part of her life and she finds herself feeling incomplete when he isn't around. It sounds silly when she over thinks it. Almost like her need to run away with him - except she doesn't mean she wants to _literally _run away. It's just how he makes her feel. Free. He became her freedom. He _is_ her freedom.

* * *

It's not a lie that she's been looking forward to this since the moment Castle left the Twelfth. Sliding into the booth, she waits - he should be here any minute. She's not nervous for this because she knows exactly what to expect. A cheeseburger, a chocolate shake, and good company. That's what she assumes but maybe she should realize by the fact that he's a little late, her expectations are going to fall short.

Every time the chime above the door dings - she thinks it's him. She looks up, smiles, and then let's it fall when it's some random old guy with a baseball cap and a cane. Not her man. By the third time, she's forcing herself to keep her eyes on the table and she hears him before she sees him.

"Hey," He's sliding in next to her, not across from and she's so lost in the feel of his body, the way his hand settles on her thigh - the fact that he smells really good (did he smell this good earlier?) - that she doesn't even notice the woman who takes up the other side of the booth. Until he turns her head with a kiss on her cheek. "Hope you don't mind but I brought Mother, I thought we could tell her."

"What, now?"

"Yes, everybody else already found out." He has a point. Almost. Lanie still doesn't know. She's suddenly dreading that conversation. She's definitely going to hear it from her best friend about being the last one to learn about mini Castle. "You don't want to?"

"It's not that, I just didn't -"

"Oh for goodness sake, you two - spit it out." Kate smiles, grabs Castle's hand but doesn't remove it from her leg - she just wants to be touching him for this. She kind of just wants everything out in the open. She's actually tired of telling everyone - at least for today - but she'll deal because this is his mother. "Well come on, out with it."

"Kate's pregnant." It's obvious that Martha wasn't expecting the news - her face shows her surprise. The way her eyebrows raise and her mouth drops open. It only lasts for a few seconds before she's smiling and reaching out to pat Castle's cheek.

"Oh, Richard! A baby?"

Kate feels a little like an outsider but she's okay with it because the way his mother is looking at him is beautiful to see. He's beaming, nodding his head and he looks so very much like a little boy. She wonders who their child will favor, will he or she look like Castle - or will they look like her? Maybe a beautiful mix of them both. She hopes the eyes are his. Those amazing expressive blue eyes.

Her thoughts are interrupted by a hand briefly touching her cheek. Martha's hand and Kate smiles, takes in the moment because it's something she can't have with a mother of her own. This is close enough. It's not the same - never will be but she can have this. It's real and that's a good thing.

"I figured Richard had finally proposed but this?" Heat floods through her, shows her embarrassment and discomfort but Martha prattles on. "Darling, this is better and of course I get babysitting rights."

"We'll see on that one, Mother."

"I watched Alexis and she turned out to be a remarkable young lady, if I do say so myself."

"Yeah - not sure how that happened. Pretty sure she's a fluke." Kate shakes her head, strokes her thumb over his knuckles. The man is ridiculous.

Her stomach growls - actually growls - for the first time she's started battling morning sickness. It's loud, catches both of their attention. Her cheeks flush, turning a rosy pink just as another gurgle sounds from her midsection.

"Sorry, I'm starving." It's the hungriest she's been in days and it feels really good.

"You're eating for two, of course you're starving. I remember when I was pregnant with Richard..." She's listening, well a part of her is, but mostly she's smiling and thinking of how lucky she really is. The family she's been accepted into has to be one of the most loving families she's ever seen. With all their craziness comes a love that still knocks the wind out of her. Especially when it comes from the vibrant vivacious woman wildly gesturing in front of her and saying something about marshmallows.

Kate scoots closer to the man boxing her in, let's her body press into his. She's asking silently and he knows her well enough to be able to read her signals. His hand leaves her thigh as his arm moves up and around her shoulders. It's her turn to touch his leg, let her fingers dance along the inseam of his jeans. He doesn't even act like he's shocked and really, she does this enough that he shouldn't be - he just retaliates by stroking the back of her neck in a way that sends shivers down her spine.

Her lunch break will need to end soon but for now, she's going to enjoy the company - even if this isn't exactly what she had in mind.

**a/n: MARTHA! Yes, her name requires caps and an exclamation point. Now who's ready for Lanie and more Alexis/Kate?  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Not today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the...you get the point.  
**

**A/N: Are you ready? This chapter took on a life of it's own and demanded to be a lengthy one.  
**

**This chapter is for NCISchick because your review made me giggle.**

She's excited for this. Her whole body shows it - her smile, her posture, the way she keeps having to remind herself that she isn't going to just blurt it out this time. Lanie is her best friend and Kate knows that she's been their biggest cheerleader from the start. Telling her is easy. No nerves. Just blood pumping with enthusiasm. It's also easier because she's comfortable here - it's her home and it's perfectly fine that she's wearing yoga pants and one of her boyfriend's t-shirts. Lanie doesn't judge her.

She pours a glass of wine and leaves the second one empty, let's her friend take a few sips before she puts the alcohol away and brings out the milk. Her 'wine' glass now becomes a 'milk' glass and she smiles brighter at the look she's receiving from the ME. It's kind of a giveaway and perhaps it's cheating because she doesn't have to say the words but she's enjoying it.

"Kate?"

"Yes?" She raises her glass to her lips, takes a gulp of the cold smooth milk. She always forgets how much she actually likes milk until she drinks it.

"Is there a particular reason you invited me over for wine and girl talk and are now forgoing the wine aspect?" The question has that knowing hint of sarcasm in it - Lanie already has her suspicions it seems.

"Just not in the mood, I have a feeling I won't be for quite some time." That's her cue to slide the photo across the counter top - the one she's had lying there the whole time. It's been face down but she knows that Lanie's curiosity will win. It does. Her friend carefully flips the ultrasound photo over, stares at it silently for a few seconds and then lifts her gaze.

The only thing Kate is feeling is something she's sure is pure joy. It has to be. She's finally telling her best friend and it's in this moment - when Lanie shakes her head with a smile widening on her lips - that she knows 'Auntie Lanie' is going to be a force to be reckoned with when it comes to cute little baby things.

"You're pregnant. Castle actually knocked you up, huh?" Laughter spills out of her, almost makes her choke on the milk she'd just taken another sip of. Thankfully it doesn't come out of her nose.

"Seems so."

"About time." What? She wants to ask but she's too stunned by the reaction to even strangle out a single word. "You two dance around for forever - dating without dating - stupidly in love. Now you're together, it's the next step."

"I think you're confusing this with a ceremony that involves vows."

"In this day and age? Kate, you guys are more committed to each other than half the married couples out there." It's sad but it's true. "Or is this your way of telling me you're engaged too?"

"No. Just pregnant." It's the way she says it - completely comfortable - that turns their moment into something bigger. She opens her arms, accepts Lanie's hug of congratulations. She hangs onto her, let's herself be lost in their friendship. "I'm surprised Espo didn't tell you."

Lanie jerks back, raises an eyebrow and puts a hand on her hip. Uh oh, she knows that look and visibly cringes - she should've just kept that to herself.

"Javi knew before me?"

"I didn't tell him - he just _knew_. Same with Ryan and Gates." She really needs to develop a filter because clearly her mouth doesn't know when to stop. "I mean, I _did _tell Gates but she already knew. I'm surprised you didn't."

"I haven't really seen much of you unless it's been case related." The hidden meaning is there between her words. The 'you spend all your time with your boyfriend'. It's true but she knows that Lanie isn't being mean about it. Maybe she does need to make more time for others.

"Sorry."

"Hey, if I'm getting a niece or nephew because of that, then I am not complaining." Kate wants to be embarrassed by the implication but she's not. Because they are so _good _together and it's really not her fault that she craves time with Castle. "How did Gates handle the news?"

"Better than expected. He gets to stay. Everybody has actually taken this really well - we told Alexis first. I didn't want her to feel like she was no longer important." It's nice to talk openly with someone who isn't directly related to what's happening inside of her body. Yes, she loves Castle but she needs this. She needs the laughs that Lanie always supplies.

* * *

So many. Jackson. Jackie. James. Jamie. Jason. Jase. So many J's and she isn't really finding any that she wants to circle. But Jase is already circled - in blue - so she thinks it over. Maybe it's cute for a little boy. Jase Castle. She doesn't really like the way it sounds in her head. So she says it out loud and nope, still isn't really a fan. Maybe it'll grow on her though. She circles it so they can discuss it together.

She stops briefly to adjust the pillow behind her back and pull her knees up to her chest. It's the most comfortable position to sit in on her bed. It won't be much longer before she won't be able to - she'll have a belly. That thought brings a smile to her face. She's anxious to see what she's going to look like when their child makes her stomach expand.

Johanna. It's the name her eyes catch on. It's circled in blue. It shouldn't bring tears to her eyes but it does because Castle is already considering it as a possibility. She doesn't know if she'll ever use it - if she even wants to. Not as a first name. It's just the fact that he probably sat on his bed, pondering, and fighting with himself on whether or not to circle it. She knows him. She knows he would've been thinking of her and how she would react to seeing it.

She doesn't circle it but she puts a star to the side of it. Maybe if it's a girl they could use it as a middle name. She glances over at her phone on the nightstand - she wants to call him but she knows it's pointless. He's already on his way over. She'll see him soon enough.

It takes a few minutes to get her mind back into it but she returns her attention to the book in her hand. It's become a game between them. Who can get the furthest before stopping? He always wins. He's on the letter 'M' and she's still looking through 'J' but it's something they enjoy.

She skims through the rest of the names on the page, scrunches her nose in distaste at quite a few. Some of them are a bit ridiculous. Some are strange. Others are boring. Until they'd started this little game of circling names, she'd never realized how much thought went into naming a baby.

She wants something meaningful and unique for their child. Apparently so does her other half because the ones circled in blue are anything but average or boring. She refuses to name their kid Jezebel. She's pretty sure he circled it as a joke - at least that's what she hopes because she wrote a little note next to it telling him there's no way in hell she would do that to any daughter they might have. This book is becoming a scribbled in scrapbook of circles and little notes and maybe she's being sappy but she plans on saving it.

Her phone buzzes against the nightstand, pulls her attention away from circling Kinsly. She rolls her eyes, expecting it to be a message from Castle but when she picks up the phone and checks - it's not. It's from his daughter. It's getting late and his daughter is texting? She tells herself not to worry until after she's read the message.

_'Is it okay if I come_ _over?'_ Okay, now she's worrying.

_'You're always welcome here.' _Barely two seconds pass since she hit send and there's a knock on the door. Yeah, it worries her. She knows Castle has a key and that leaves only one option as to who is on the other side.

She scrambles out of bed, hurries into the living room because yeah, she's a bit protective over little Castle and this just doesn't seem right. It isn't an everyday occurrence. She tugs the door open, isn't surprised that it is indeed Alexis waiting on the other side. She looks tired and upset. She silently ushers the girl in. It takes a few minutes of standing awkwardly by the door but then blue eyes meet hers and her heart shatters.

She knows that look - the lost and confused expression. The one that comes after nightmares and days of flashbacks. Kate bites her lip, let's her hand soothe down her own arm and then she takes the leap.

"Nightmare?"

"Yes, no, just everything. I called Dad, but he was writing and I didn't want to distract him. I took a guess that you might be home." Alexis is a strong girl but everyone has moments of weakness - Kate knows that better than anyone. "I know it's getting late..."

"It's fine - I'm glad you came." And she is. Because the fact that Castle's daughter is reaching out is a good thing. "We can talk about it, if you want to."

"Boys are dumb and life is hard." It makes Kate laugh and brings a smile to the red head's face. It chases the shadows away for a few minutes and that's enough for Kate to reach for the girl's hand.

"I'm pretty sure I have some ice cream in the freezer." She tugs her into the kitchen, let's go of her once they're next to the counter. She gets out a couple of spoons from the drawer - hands one to Alexis who seems to be in better spirits - and then walks over the the freezer. A gust of cold air hits her in the face when she opens it - she honestly isn't sure what she's doing but hey, ice cream is always a good place to start, right?

With a pint of mint chocolate chip in hand, she turns back to the teenager. She can tell that there's something more to this story, there's a reason Alexis is here.

"Mint chocolate chip okay?" She hopes it is because it's all she has.

"Perfect." As soon as the lid is off, two spoons dip into the cold delicious treat. There's a few minutes of silence but she knows that eventually Alexis will let her know what's going on. It works with suspects so it should work on teenagers too. At least, that's her reasoning on the topic. "I almost hated you."

It's past tense but it still makes Kate look up from the ice cream, makes her heart constrict in her chest. It hurts a lot more than she ever thought it could but the girl in front of her is clearly struggling with it as well.

"I don't. I didn't but I wanted to. When you were shot and you just_ left_. Dad was a mess - everyone was. I didn't understand how you could do that."

"Alexis -"

"And then when you came back and Dad just forgave you like it was nothing. I wanted to hate you and I couldn't." She doesn't blame her, in all honesty. It was stupid of her to run away and push him out of her life. "But I just didn't understand. I do now. If this is how you felt, always scared, always suffering, unable to sleep. I understand."

"No, you're right. I shouldn't have pushed your Dad away - that was a stupid move." She watches, reads into the frown on the teen's face as they both take another bite. "But, it was hard. Is that why you're here, Alexis?"

"No. You said I could come to you when I have a hard time dealing with things."

"I did and I meant every word."

"I've been going to therapy and you're right - it helps." Kate offers a comforting squeeze of her hand along Alexis' forearm. "Ever since I told Dad, he calls twice a day and that's a little annoying but I know he's just making sure I'm okay. I don't know, tonight is just a bad night I guess."

"I still have them sometimes."

"What do you do to take your mind off of it?" Her cheeks flush because she isn't about to tell Castle's daughter that she usually pins her boyfriend to the bed and let's him distract her by touch. In fact, she's pretty sure that's how the baby she's carrying was conceived. That's a conversation she never wants to have but she will share some of the things she did before she had him around to make her forget.

"I would read - I'd just get lost in words and a different world. Or I would go for a run." She leaves out the part about the books she read being Castle's. They were always his. It was almost as if she was allowing herself to be comforted by him without him actually being there. "I'm not sure I'm the best to give advice on this - I didn't handle it so well."

"Apparently I'm not handling this too well either, I broke up with my boyfriend." Ah. There it is. The real reason she looks distraught and lost. "He said I'm too withdrawn now and that it wasn't fun to be around me."

"Then you did the right thing. A real man would be there, try to help even when you don't want him too. He wouldn't give up."

"Like Dad?"

"Yes, exactly like your father." As if the man knew they're talking about him, the sound of a key in the door breaks through their ice cream induced conversation. "Speak of the devil."

He fumbles through the door, she hears him mutter about her shoes but she stifles a laugh with a mouthful of minty goodness. He sees her first, with a spoon still stuck between her lips.

"Sorry, I would have been here sooner but I - Alexis?" He stops before he makes it over to her and she takes in the somewhat puzzled look on his face as well as the bag in his hand. So that's what took him so long. If she's not mistaken - and she knows she isn't - that's from her favorite bakery.

"Hey, Dad."

"You okay, pumpkin?" His daughter nods as she takes a bite of ice cream. It's not Kate's place and she isn't going to tell him about their talk until she knows it's okay.

"Boys are dumb."

"I resent that." He's pouting and it's adorable but apparently it isn't enough to dissuade his daughter from giggling at him. Kate can't really help herself either.

"She said boys, Castle. Men? Men can be pretty nice." She shouldn't have said anything because now he just gets that smug look on his face. The one that makes it look like he's the luckiest guy on the planet.

He sits the bag on the counter near the half eaten pint, gives her a kiss on the cheek before doing the same with his daughter. She's never realized that he knows where everything is in her apartment until he's getting out a spoon for himself. They've been together almost a year and she's never even thought about it.

"Are men allowed to have ice cream and join this 'boys are dumb' discussion?" She raises an eyebrow, looks over at Alexis and shrugs her shoulder.

"I don't know, what do you think Alexis, is there enough ice cream for three?"

"Hm. I suppose we could share but just this once." The words are barely out of the girl's mouth before his spoon is buried in the green treat. He's such a kid.

"Are you staying with us tonight?" He's confident with the question, as if there's no chance that his daughter is leaving. Kate didn't think of that. She's been so caught up in making sure Alexis is okay that she hasn't even been thinking about the time or the fact that she really doesn't want the girl out so late. Not with her mind playing tricks on her. It's bad enough that she was haunted so much she came to seek comfort.

"I didn't plan on it...I was just here to talk."

"Your Dad has a point. It's late, you should just stay." The look she gets from him sends a warmth spreading through her veins. "Besides, I think we'll be having French toast for breakfast."

"In that case, your couch will be my best friend tonight."

* * *

It's after one in the morning before she's finally lying down for the night. They all lost track of time with the ice cream and muffins and talking but it was good to spend time with Castle and Alexis at the same time. She won't regret staying up late - no matter how tired she is at work. She hears him come in, hears the way he softly closes the door and flips the lock with a click. Like Alexis would really wander in but it's nice that he's cautious. Her eyes are still closed when she feels him slide into the bed next to her.

"She's out like a light."

"Good." Unable to hold back, Kate let's herself scoot closer. Her eyes open when her body connects with his, her hand rests against his chest. His fingers tangle in the hem of the shirt she's wearing and she hates the knowing smile on his face.

"This shirt looks pretty familiar."

"Does it?"

"Mhm. Pretty sure I put it in _my_ drawer. Now I can't imagine how it got on you since I know you'd never snoop through my stuff." He's being ridiculous and she loves it. The playful side of him is something she enjoys. She can be playful too.

"If it's that big of a deal, I'll just give it back." She doesn't give him time to say anything at all before she's sitting up and pulling the shirt over her head. His eyes drift away from her face, rake over her now half naked body. Desire lights in his gaze but she's not about to let this get out of hand when his daughter is on the couch - maybe if she had her own room. "Easy there, Castle."

"I'm still fully clothed, you're the one doing the striptease."

"Oh trust me, this is nowhere near a striptease Mr. Castle." He tugs her down, just closes his hand around her wrist and pulls her flat against his chest. She did it on purpose. Calling him Mr. Castle in bed is the equivalent of him calling her Detective. It sends that thrill through both of them. Leaves them wanting.

He kisses her, lips coaxing hers to part and she obeys, let's him have his way. She lets him because she's missed him. And yes, it's stupid but it doesn't matter. His fingers are tangling in her messy ponytail, holding her in place as he slows their kiss to a lazy content meeting of their mouths. These are her favorite kisses. The soft ones.

Yes, she loves when they're passionate and wild - it sends her body into orbit - but when he cradles her face like he is now, kisses her softly, pulls back for a split second before diving in for another brief taste, yeah, definitely her favorite. His hand smooths down her naked back and she shivers, hard.

"Thank you, Kate." She feels his words - barely hears them - against her parted lips.

"I didn't do anything." Her nose bumps his as she opens her eyes.

"For Alexis. For being here when she needs someone." He's serious. Oh. She was thinking he was playing around but he isn't. He's so serious that she can only let her mouth press warmly to his once again, never breaking eye contact. The silly man doesn't get it. He should. He's so good with emotions that she suppresses that surely he understands.

"Always doesn't just apply to you, Castle. I'll always be here for your family too."

"You're in my family now, Kate. It's _our_ family." Some days, she still thinks all of this is a dream and the reality is that she's still stuck somewhere cold and lonely.

"Our family." Her fingers stroke down his cheek, rub over the slightly rough texture of his jaw. Something changes in his gaze, in the way the muscles in his face contract. His brow pinches together, his lips form a thin line as if he's thinking something over. "What's on your mind, Castle?"

"You're twelve weeks pregnant and we still haven't talked about you moving in with me." His words cut through her like a knife. Her heart starts racing and her body tenses. She knows he feels it because his fingers dig into the curve of her spine to hold her down. He thinks she's going to run and honestly, she does too.

"I -"

"Kate we've been together about a year, we're having a baby." She knows. She knows all of it but it still doesn't help. She just - this is her home.

"Were you planning to ask me?"

"Yes, I want all of us under the same roof. I don't want to have to juggle an infant."

"No, I mean before we found out that I'm pregnant. Were you going to ask me to move in with you?" She hopes he understands what she's trying to get across. He's frowning still and she can feel his heart beneath her own. It's just as quick and erratic.

"Honestly, no. I wanted to wait."

"Then don't ask me now." He doesn't get it. She can see it in the hurt that forms in his eyes. He doesn't understand what she's trying to say. "It's like proposing because of a baby - if you didn't plan on it before then don't. Not yet."

"It's not like that, Kate."

"Yes it is." She wrestles away from him, out of his grip, to flop on her back and stare up at the ceiling. "We're together, we're happy, isn't that enough?"

"You know it is but this makes sense."

"No, it doesn't. I'm usually always with you or you're always with me so why does it matter if we have two homes? This baby will always have both parents." She just wants him to see it her way but after a few seconds of silence she knows that she's hurt him and that he's angry. He doesn't reach out and neither does she.

He turns on his side to face her but she stays where she is. Just staring at the ceiling, bare from the waist up and wondering why he's doing this. His voice has a sharp edge to it that she doesn't like when he finally speaks.

"I guess that's the end of that."

"I guess so." He turns away from her which stings just a little more than she thinks it should and she wants to punch the pillow in frustration. She isn't mad - not really - just frustrated that he doesn't think the way she does.

She just lays there, silently, listening to him breathe. She isn't tired now but she's cold. She reaches for the shirt, sits up to tug it on. She's sliding her arm through the sleeve when he sighs - it's loud enough that she can hear it. She almost says something - something she knows would end up leading to hurt feelings and angry words. So, she leaves.

Her body pushes up off the mattress and he doesn't move. He probably thinks she's going to the bathroom or to get a drink. She doesn't do either. She walks over to the door, unlocks it and pulls it open. One glance back at him and she gets a sinking sensation in her chest. He isn't even looking at her, his eyes are closed. She didn't really mean to hurt him.

She needs to think, sort through her thoughts without him being right there beside her.

"I'm gonna check on Alexis."

"Kate, don't leave." He opens his eyes, and she almost let's him get to her but she needs a little space. Just a little.

"Do you want a glass of water or anything?" After a few seconds tick by with them just staring, he nods. A quiet sigh of relief falls from her lips. He must understand that she needs some air because he doesn't try to stop her again, doesn't get up to make her stay. "I'll be back."

She's quiet so she doesn't wake his daughter. She takes her time, watches the girl sleep for awhile before she's satisfied that it's a peaceful slumber. Her brain is racing. She doesn't know if she'll be able to get any sleep at all now. It's not that she doesn't want to eventually live with him...it's just...well honestly she isn't even sure what 'it' is.

She ends up munching on a muffin - picking it apart to eat small pieces at a time. She doesn't know how long she's been in the kitchen before she ends up sitting in the floor or why she even sits there in the first place. It's quiet though and she likes it. She likes that she can think even if her brain is sending out mixed signals on every subject she's trying to clear up. Why is it that he can't just be happy with what they have? Is he happy? Has this been bothering him?

She just wants to sleep and forget it all. Men are dumb sometimes too. Even if they aren't trying to be. She finishes the muffin but stays in the floor for at least another ten minutes in an attempt to answer some of the questions her mind is asking. It doesn't work. If anything she's more confused than she was when she left the bedroom.

It's been a full hour before she finally makes her way back to him. With a glass of water in hand, she enters the warmth of her bedroom and just as he had done, she closes and locks the door. He's starfished in the middle of the bed - snoring softly. The worry lines are still there on his face.

She sits the water on the nightstand and crawls over him to her side. His head is almost on her pillow, his body taking up most of the space she usually sleeps in but she makes it work. She doesn't want to wake him and tell him to move after they've argued. It seems like throwing salt into an open wound. Besides, she's okay with sharing her pillow and feeling his body pressed against her own.

It isn't better. He's still upset and she's still figuring things out but as she settles next to him, she feels exhaustion creep into her bones and all of it will have to wait. Which really, is exactly what she wants. Time.

**a/n: Obviously I sorta lied about Kate/Alexis by turning it into Kate/Alexis/Castle time. But I liked this idea better. And yes, Kate is being super stubborn right now. Feel free to rant about it.  
**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Not owning it.  
**

**A/N: Happy Castle 100th episode! I loved it! Beyond loved it really. I've watched it like fifty times now and it just came on last night. Ha.  
**

**I always try to reply to every single review - last chapter had over 30 reviews so if I missed anyone, I apologize.**

It takes about a week but by the end of it, things are back to somewhat normal. Castle is giving her the time she needs and isn't pushing. She loves him even more for it but she knows that they need to talk. She smiles at him when he brings her the juice box, laughs with him when he makes some ridiculous witty remark, even steals a kiss when they're alone in the elevator but it isn't until they get to the loft that she puts a stop to their ability to avoid topics.

The water in her glass causes the ice to crackle - splintering the frozen liquid and giving her something to focus on. She waits on his couch as he bustles around the kitchen - if she moves in, would it be their couch? She's not actually hungry but he wants something to snack on. Sometimes she finds herself thinking that he's the one developing the weird cravings.

"Are you sure you don't want one...or five?" Her gaze lifts from the glass sweating on the coffee table, adjusts to see him walking towards her with a plate in his hand.

"I'm sure." He pops a couple grapes into his mouth as he sits down next to her. She reaches for him without pretense, grabs at his arm and tugs it around her shoulders. She presses close, her face inches from his to get his attention. She has it. She can see it in his eyes that he's going to listen to anything that comes out but she's just not so sure how she can get her point across without hurting him again.

"Everything okay?"

"I think we should talk." She's done running away from problems. It never works, someone ends up crushed, and she can't stand the way he's been acting. Yeah, he still banters, still kisses her, still makes love to her until neither of them want to move but she can always tell that it's haunting him, lingering in the back of his mind. "About the living situation."

She feels bad because hope bubbles in him, spills out through the muscles in his face and she doesn't want it to go away. She doesn't want to be the one to chase it away but she's about to do just that. Her eyes drop for a split second, her hand pats his chest - right over his heart - and she lets out a deep breath.

"You haven't changed your mind have you?" The disappointment she can hear in his voice makes her chest feel heavy. Like a stone has been dropped inside of her.

"I'm not saying no, Castle. Just not right now." She needs him to understand, needs for this to be okay. He lets the plate of fruit rest on the table, moves to wrap both arms around her waist, pulls on her body until she's left with only one choice. She twists, lets her legs straddle his hips, her hands coming up to cradle his face. She looks him in the eye, makes sure he hears every words she's saying. "I'm in this, I'm not going anywhere."

"I know. I know that, Kate. I shouldn't have brought it up the way I did."

"I think we both butchered what we were trying to say." She lets herself steal a kiss, a quick one. Just a press of her lips to his as her hands slide down to perch on his shoulders.

"I didn't mean to make you think that I only want you here because of the baby. I want you here. Even if we weren't having a baby - I would still want you here." She knows he's being truthful but it still makes her feel a tiny wave of panic. It's not her fault - not when this is the first relationship she's ever seen going all the way. Moving in. Having kids. Getting married. All of it - the whole shebang.

It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's how she feels. It scares her and Bracken is still out there - she hates him, will never feel as safe as she should because of him. So yeah, she drags her feet just a little on these things but she hopes Castle understands. Because she can't do any of this without him - not anymore.

"I was going to ask you to move in, not this soon but only because I knew you weren't ready and you're right, I shouldn't push you into it just because of the baby."

"You were right too. It does make some sense - otherwise we'll be buying two of everything and I know that's ridiculous but just not yet. Give me some time." She really doesn't see them living in two different places with a baby but she doesn't see herself moving in right away either. This time, she manages to make him understand. She can feel it in the way he relaxes beneath her, the way the clouds leave his blue eyes. It brings a smile to her face and she knows they're okay now.

"I think we're getting better at this communication thing." She laughs into him, let's him smother her smile with his own. A weight lifts from her shoulders as he runs his hands down her back, sneaks his fingers under her top. "While we're on a roll, what do you say we discuss some names for this child?"

"Maybe we could do nicknames first. We need something to call it besides 'baby', 'child', and 'it'." She doesn't move from his hold, stays right where she is. Wiggles a little to get comfortable and wraps her arms around his neck because really, how much longer will she be able to fit like this? With their stomachs and chests aligned - hearts beating as one. "I want something good, something we both like."

"I might've already sorta picked something."

"Sharing is caring, Castle."

"I kind of started thinking of it as a cub." She frowns, watches him as he searches her face to see what she thinks. Technically, she knows that the nickname could apply to a girl or boy but she doesn't know why he picked it. "I mean so many different animals have 'cubs' and I thought it was cute, not that we're bears or anything but -"

He's rambling and it's adorable but she's done listening. Her lips cut him off - shut him up for a minute as she affectionately strokes her fingers over his ear. She feels warm and fuzzy and so full of wonder for this crazy man. He did good. She rocks back on his knees, let's her fingers briefly leave his skin to seek out his hand against her hip. Together, she brings them around until they settle low on her abdomen.

"I think it's perfect. Our little Cub." It's something she never would have thought of but it fits.

"I can't wait to see you with a belly." His thumb dips beneath the hem of her shirt, strokes over the still flat plane of her stomach. "We should take pictures. Start a scrapbook."

"That's so cheesy." She wants to. She wants to do the ridiculous things with him and really, she doesn't think it's cheesy. She loves it - thinks it's amazing to show the growth of the baby but she's never seen herself doing it. She's never seen herself getting pregnant either. "We could start now."

He gives her a soft peck on the lips before she shimmies off his lap. She's glad they're here alone because she's not sure she'd be comfortable with anyone else around. It's still a little strange. As silly as it seems, she wants to share this with him. The pictures that prove there's a human being - a perfect mix of both of them - tucked away inside of her.

She motions for him to follow her lead and he does. He stands, lets her position him in the perfect spot to be camera man. For some reason, she's excited for this. It's racing through her blood, making her face young and eyes wide. If the boys ever find out about this, she'll never live it down.

But then he's getting his phone ready and she doesn't care. This is for them. And the 'Cub'. She wants to eventually show their child that they were so very loved from the beginning. She doesn't want her son or daughter to ever doubt that.

Castle gives her a smile, gestures for her to spin. She does, she turns to the side with her hand resting below her navel and smiles at the phone in his hand because she's happy. Her stomach may not be round yet but she knows that her eyes give it away. So do his. He looks so proud when the picture is taken - like he's lucky that she's really here and really doing this with him. She wants to tell him that she's the lucky one. She's the one who almost lost this chance because of her unwillingness to admit that he was - is and always will be - more than a partner.

So much time they could have had but she isn't going to dwell on the past. Not when there is such a big future dangling right in front of her nose.

"You look stunning, Kate."

"Yeah, I bet, in my oh-so sexy work pants." He ignores the sarcasm, just shakes his head, leaves his phone on the coffee table and closes the distance between them. He hugs her, his warmth seeping in through every pore in her body as she breathes him in. With her face buried in his neck, Kate grips him tighter - makes her hips bump against his. The heat in her chest spreads, takes over her brain and the emotions she's been battling intensify.

"I'm sorry. You can move in anytime you want but only when you're ready." She doesn't want him to be sorry, doesn't want him to feel like he's done something wrong because he hasn't. Not really. He's just trying to do what's best for the baby. Their Cub. It makes them sound like Tigers or Bears. Oh. He is kind of a papa bear when it comes to his family.

"Don't be sorry. I'm so glad you're our Cub's father." Her lips press to his neck in a silent 'thank you' and she feels the words rumble up from his lungs.

"That makes two of us." He's smiling - she knows it - and when she extricates herself from him, she sees it. Warm and loving. Her eyes dance over him as steps around the table and heads off in the familiar direction of his room. With a saucy glance over her shoulder, she quirks an eyebrow that begs him to follow.

"Get your fruit, Castle, let's go to bed." She really wants some of the strawberries she knows are on his plate. And _maybe_ she really wants him too.

**a/n: Short little moment between them because I think they deserved it.  
**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure you all know that I'm not Andrew Marlowe.  
**

**A/N: Guys, I'm super excited for this chapter for two reason 1.) My best friend had her baby today and he's BEAUTIFUL. Happy first day to her little baby. 2.) This story has almost 400 followers! What?! GUYS, I love you.  
**

**Bella777: Thank you so much for your reviews! I always appreciate them. I'm in love with the nickname 'Cub' for their baby so I'm glad you think it's adorable. I do have a twitter account. Nellie_Rai is my username.  
**

It's the worst she's felt since she found out about her pregnancy and that's including the morning sickness. Luckily she doesn't have many issues with keeping food down anymore but this is worse. Her head feels like it's about to explode from pressure. She doesn't want to get out of bed - doesn't want to even roll over and turn off the alarm.

She's just about to move her arm, reach behind herself and hit the clock making the loud incessant beeping noise but she doesn't have to. She can feel Castle reach over her - let's the heat of his body draw her closer and even with her eyes closed she grabs at his shoulder. She wants to sleep, she wants to be in his arms. Her nose feels like someone has shoved cotton up inside of it and she can barely breathe. She hates being congested.

"G'morning." She may feel awful but his voice makes her smile. It's right in her ear, his breath tickles her skin and she scoots closer to his warmth. Eyes open, meet his and she's a little surprised that he seems wide awake - as if he's been up for hours when she's struggling to convince herself that she needs to do anything other than drift back to sleep.

His blue eyes glance down and she follows, let's herself finally see that his phone is in his hand. Really? She opens her mouth, ready to say something about him being so bored that he's on his _phone_ but the excitement spills out of him - tumbles out in a rush of words that make her heart go crazy.

"Did you know that our Cub weighs three to five ounces right now? Sixteen weeks, it's crazy. Oh, and that he or she can probably hear your voice when you talk or sing? And, it says here that Cub can form a few expressive frowns - I bet it's just as adorable as yours. I can't believe I never looked this up with Alexis."

The look on his face - he just looks so happy and she can't help but feel a wave of arousal because _this, _seeing him so worked up over what's going on with their baby is just so _hot_. This is better than when he heard the heartbeat and they ended up almost having sex in the parking garage outside her doctor's office. He's expecting her to say something, watching her as if she's supposed to have some sort of input but what is she supposed to say when her body is filling with heat and all she wants to do is pull him closer.

She does, let's her hands curl around his neck in a somewhat awkward twist that makes her wrist hurt but she doesn't care because he's excited and happy and looking at her like she's the best thing he's ever seen. The position is uncomfortable, both of them on their sides and one of his arms is caught between them, pressing against her sensitive chest. It almost hurts but she let's her lips close over his, tongue darting out to dance along the warm cavern of his mouth.

Maybe she gets a little carried away - they do need to get up soon - but she still shift her hips, let's her leg tangle between his, toes sliding up his calf. She doesn't pull back until her lungs are burning with the need for oxygen, there's no option of breathing through her nose today.

"Wow, not complaining but what was that for?" His voice sends shivers down her spine, it's low, seductive in the early morning air.

"Do you know how _hot _it is when you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Be a father."

"Makes you want me." He's said it before - a long time ago as a joke but this time, she doesn't pop off with sarcasm. She's honest because, yes it does make her want him, always has.

"It does." He steals a kiss, quick and warm.

"I got you some benadryl to take before you get up." She doesn't need to ask how he knows that she can't breathe. Just a quirk of an eyebrow and he gives her a smile. "You were snoring - you never snore."

She wants to be embarrassed but she isn't. He's already seen her puking and sweaty on a bathroom floor so this really isn't that bad. The pressure in her head intensifies when she sits up - makes her want to just fall back against the mattress but she has to move. She needs to get her day started.

She takes the medicine he left on her nightstand. It's not 'hers' but it's on the side she sleeps on so that's basically the same thing. Ever since their discussion about moving in, she keeps having these thoughts. It never lasts more than a few seconds and her brain switches topics.

Castle reaches out, rubs her back before she throws the blankets off and slowly stands. She loves when he does little things like that. She needs a shower and her juice. It sounds stupid but his daily boxes of juice have become an addiction - almost as bad as the coffee she misses.

"I'll make us some breakfast while you get ready." She bites her lip, watches him leave. She was really hoping he'd join her in the shower but her stomach is feeling a little hungry. She really wants chocolate. Something with chocolate. She really wants eggs too. Oh god, no, she's not turning into him. She will not eat his crazy disastrous abomination. She won't.

Eggs will have to do. She knows that's what he'll make. With a shake of her head, she pushes her pajama pants to the floor, steps out of them and kicks them towards the laundry basket. She walks into the bathroom, gives herself a glance in the mirror. It's really weird that her boobs are bigger. It's still something she's not used to. They're just there and her bras don't fit anymore. Although, she can't lie, the new ones she bought look pretty good and she's not the only one who enjoys them.

Lifting the hem of her shirt, she pulls it off in one quick flawless motion. It hits the floor and she makes a mental note to pick it up on her way out. She turns, intent on getting the temperature of the water just right before she completely strips but that's when she notices. How did she _not_ notice?

Her eyes are glued to the mirror, her hand coming up to caress her stomach. Her swollen stomach. There's a bump - just a little one but a definite bump. She looks down, runs her fingers over it and feels her heart burst with love. She's loved this child since she found out - loves their Cub more and more with each passing day and now the world is going to know she's expecting a baby. It's like it happened overnight - neither of them noticed and god, she's a _mother_.

"Castle!" She doesn't want him to miss this because it's amazing and beautiful and she's almost in tears. What are these hormones doing to her? "Castle!"

She chokes out a laugh when he skids into the bathroom, socks sliding against the floor with a spatula still in his hand. Maybe she shouldn't have yelled quite so loud. He looks a little panicked with his hair sticking up in random places and eyes wide.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" She can't quite form the words so she just nods, looks down at the slight swell of her abdomen. She knows the moment he notices because the air escapes his lungs in a huff and he sets the utensil down on the sink with a clatter. "You're showing."

"Yeah, I didn't even notice till now. We've been taking pictures every week and I never thought I was getting bigger." She smiles, eyes watery and happy as he places his palm over her expanding belly. As if she isn't already wanting him to join her in the shower, make her forget that she doesn't feel very well - he drops to his knees in front of her, presses his lips to the small bulge of bare skin low on her abdomen.

She cards her fingers through his hair, gives his ear a loving tug. He's pulling the strings of her heart - making it part at the seams and spill it's contents through her whole body.

"Hey, Cub. I don't know if you can hear me but it's nice to see you." He's talking to their baby and Kate just can't. She's too emotional. He's shredding her and she loves every bit of it. She pulls a little harder on his ear, makes him look up at her with his lips still warm on her flesh.

"I think we're going to be late today, Castle." He doesn't seem to get her meaning at first, his face scrunches and she has to press her hips into him, unashamedly let him see the flush on her cheeks and the glint in her eye. He gets it - the cheshire grin that forms is proof enough.

"You weren't kidding, this really does it for you." She doesn't dignify it with a response, bites her lip instead and rolls his earlobe between her fingers. Yes. It works, he's on his feet in seconds, crowding her against the counter. "You sure you're okay with being late?"

"I'll swear morning sickness if anyone asks." The smile on her face never falters as his hands brush up her sides, skim just below her breasts. He hasn't said much but she knows he enjoys her curvier figure.

"In that case..." His fingers slide down to her hips, grip her and lift until she's letting out a yelp of surprise. A laugh breaks free as he rests her on top of the counter. She expects him to pounce but he doesn't. He's back to caressing their Cub and she knows they'll be late for a good reason - not a quickie in the bathroom but a loving romp in the bed that has her fingers gripping the sheets.

* * *

She's only six minutes late, no need for an excuse. She doesn't walk in alone. Everyone knows so there's no reason to hide it anymore. She let's him keep his hand on her back, only makes him stop when she moves around her desk to take her jacket off. She stretches her arms, slides the sleeves off while he drops into his chair.

"Woah, Beckett's got a baby bump." She rolls her eyes as she sits, of course it's Javi that points it out. She chose a tighter top on purpose because she's enjoying the fact that her baby is growing.

"Or she ate a lot." Kate loves her ridiculous boys. All three of them. "But I'm with you - baby bump."

"Looks good on you. So when is this kid due?" They haven't really been discussing things with anyone - still attempting to get things figured out themselves but the boys are looking at her with puppy dog faces and honestly, she's busting to tell them.

"November tenth, at least that's the educated guess." She leaves out the part about conception being right around Valentine's Day. She wants to be able to live without their incessant teasing.

"Any name ideas?" She glances up from her desk, eyes them both carefully. They're avoiding her gaze, looking around and even Castle has noticed the strange behavior.

"Why?"

"Well, Javi and I were just thinking -" Oh this ought to be good. She sits back, crosses her arms over her chest and waits. "Kevin is a perfectly good name, so is Ryan."

"Hey man, no! We agreed. It was Ryan Javier - it's bad enough that your last name gets to be first." She can't help it, she wants to act tough but it's so adorable that they're really arguing over something like this. Her shoulders are shaking with silent laughter.

"Boys, I think it's great that you're both invested in the name of my-"

"Our." She ignores her other half, continues on.

"...child but we're not naming him Ryan Javier. And for all we know, it could be a girl." She let's her eyes settle on Castle. They haven't talked about it - about knowing the sex or waiting. She has no idea what he wants. She really needs to start asking him these things. It's his baby too.

"We think it'll be a boy. Lanie's the one voting girl." She smiles, can't stop it because now she's picturing a little boy with his daddy's eyes running wild through the loft on wobbly legs. "What about you, Castle, what are you hoping for?"

The question catches her attention, makes her focus because she wants to know. She should've been the one asking, not Esposito. There's silence, a brief smile from her boyfriend and then he's shaking his head. His eyes are soft, locked onto hers and she wonders what he's trying to say.

"Castle?" It doesn't even sound like her voice but she knows it has to be. Either that or one of the boys suddenly became one of the girls.

"I'm happy either way." It's said with so much feeling that she knows he means it. But there's got to be a part of him that is hoping for one or the other. Clearly, he isn't going to admit it - at least not here in front of an audience.

"So am I." She needs him to know that. She ignores the boys, or tries to but it's hard when they keep talking.

"Time to walk away bro." She doesn't look but she knows that Ryan is probably looking over at his partner like he's crazy. "Mom and Dad are having a moment."

Her heart squeezes. Mom and Dad. They really are now and she's still dragging her feet on everything. He doesn't deserve this. Why can't she just be what he deserves? She drops her gaze, let's it settle on the elephants lining her desk. That's another thing they haven't talked about - nursery decor. She has no clue what he likes but she really likes the idea of elephants. Maybe lavender for a girl, a light mint green for a boy?

She doesn't have a spare room in her apartment - she's thinking of only one nursery and it's in the loft. She knows that's where it should be but she's still stuck. She doesn't even know why anymore.

"What colors do you want to do the nursery in?" His expression is priceless, if he'd been taking a sip of any beverage, she'd be wearing it right now. He looks around quickly, as if he's in an alternate reality and is looking for an escape.

"Uh...we don't know what we're having."

"Do you want to know?" He's still giving her that face, like he doesn't really know what to say. She snaps her fingers, drags him into the conversation. "Or do you want to wait?"

"I...are we really talking about this right now?"

"Yes. These are important questions, we don't have a body right now and I'm taking advantage of it." And she's tired of not asking. "Do you want to know?"

"What do you want?"

"I'm asking you. Honestly, I would like to be prepared but the element of surprise is appealing too and..." She touches his wrist, makes sure he's listening, "I would wait if you wanted to. You've waited for me - more times than I care to admit - so I would return the favor."

"Kate," She can see that he wants to touch her, kiss her, something. He settles on bumping his knee into her leg. She leaves out the fact that he's still waiting.

"That's why I asked, I want this to be both of us. Both of us making the decisions - give and take."

"I want to know. I love the thought of waiting but come on, we both know the suspense would kill me." He's right and it's something she loves about him.

"Okay, so we find out. If it's a girl, what colors would you want to -"

"I love that we're talking about this. You have no idea how much I do but I think we should discuss colors and patterns and fluffy things after we find out the sex." She hears his hidden meaning. The one that's still finding it's way into conversations because as open as she's being, she's still not packing boxes and merging their homes.

"Okay, but do you think maybe we could look at some furniture tonight? Argue over names again?" It's a game to them. Even with their plan of circling names they like and only considering the ones they both outline in pen, there are still playful little arguments over which name is better. The list is down to fifty boy names and thirty-two for girls. There's a long way to go.

"It's a date."

**a/n: Boy or Girl? What do you think?  
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	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: Hahahahahaha, no.  
**

**A/N: Okay so today I feel awful. Woke up in a bad mood. Went off on like every person in my house and now I'm just going to write it out before I end up saying things I don't mean. And you guys get a lovely chapter out of my brooding. :) Seems like a win-win.  
**

**Also, didn't reply to reviews this ONE time because there were almost 40 and I'm still in a pretty terrible mood. I didn't want that to come out in one of my replies because let's face it, I LOVE ALL OF YOU for being awesome enough to read, review and alert this story. **

Her day off and he's called in for a meeting. Sometimes she forgets that he's not _hers _all the time. That he has other obligations besides being her partner. In the back of her mind, she knows he's world famous and that his books are bestsellers but she still forgets that it isn't all shiny book signings and fan related events. There are meetings - boring - and tours - hates them. This better not be a meeting about an upcoming book tour. He does have a new book coming out in September.

What if it is? What if he's gone? Kate throws her head back into the cushion of her couch and raises her hands to press against her eyes. She's been around him too much. Now her imagination is in overdrive and it's doing nothing but make her worry. Is he going to tell them about the baby? It's not really something they can hide anymore with her expanding waistline.

She rests a hand on the bump their Cub has created, smooths her fingers over the cotton covering it. She'd been excited this morning, waking him up with warm kisses and other fun things. She was already half dressed by the time he broke the news. No furniture shopping because he had a meeting he'd forgotten about.

She understands. She does because she's been so wrapped up in this - her relationship with him and now the baby - that she almost forgot about the lunch she'd planned with her father last week. Okay, she hadn't remembered at all until her dad called and asked if she was still coming. She smiles a little when she pictures the look on his face when he saw her - baby bump and all.

So it's not that she doesn't understand how her boyfriend forgot, it's just that she's been looking forward to this and now it isn't happening. It will. Soon. But she went to bed thinking of dark wood versus light and if she really wants a changing table and dresser to match or if she wants to mix it up and just paint them to match the colors of the room. Now she's here, on her couch with her legs stretched out and just staring down at her own stomach. Still half dressed. Her hair is a mess - last night it'd been a braid but she isn't sure what it is now and she's in pajama pants but she's still wearing the cotton shirt and cardigan that she changed into this morning.

Part of her wonders if she should be bigger by now at eighteen weeks - she might ask her doctor about that - but she knows that every woman is different. It still brings a smile to her face to see that her baby is growing.

"Hey little Cub, we were going to buy you a bed today but Daddy's silly and forgot he had other things he needed to do." She's the one who feels silly, talking to her baby bump, but she's bored and it's about time she starts getting used to this. "He's pretty great th-"

She feels a flutter, a light barely there sensation that she almost writes off as just her imagination. But she's read about this - the first movements and how they can feel like butterflies or like something tumbling around.

"Did you just move?" Okay, now she is being silly because she's actually asking and expecting an answer from her unborn child. She doesn't feel it again but she's pretty sure she didn't imagine it. Excitement races through her veins and she grabs her phone from the coffee table. Meeting be damned, she isn't about to just wait to tell him.

Except she is because as soon as she opens a new message, someone is knocking on her door. She considers ignoring it but it's not a demanding rude knock - it's light and timid. She knows that knock. As ridiculous as that seems. She knows who it is before she forces herself off the couch and pulls the door open.

The flash of red hair and blue eyes doesn't surprise her, the fact that the girl is here and not in class however, does. Alexis isn't one to skip. Ever.

"Hey,"

"So a little birdie told me that you're supposed to be on a shopping trip today and my class got canceled so, what do you say?" She doesn't want to say no to an offer like that but she also wants Castle to be here. She doesn't want to pick everything - she wants his help.

"Does this little birdie stand a bit over six foot, blue eyes, believes in zombies and aliens?"

"That's the one." Kate steps aside, let's his daughter in. She knows what happened. He called Alexis because he knew she was really disappointed and it's sweet. It really is but she won't buy baby furniture without him.

"Alexis, this is really sweet of you but I'm not dressed, my pants won't fasten, and I really don't want to buy a crib without your father." It's not a lie. Her pants don't fasten anymore unless she rigs them with a hair tie.

"Ya know, even though Dad told me you have a baby bump now, I couldn't picture it." The teen frowns, lets her eyes stare at Cub and Kate feels a little self conscious but she doesn't hide. "You look great."

"Thanks, I -"

"We don't have to go baby furniture shopping. If your pants no longer button, maybe we could go clothes shopping instead? Cub _is_ a growing baby." Now she can't refuse. Because it really is sweet and she loves spending time with Alexis. She'll have to thank her loving boyfriend later.

It still seems wrong that he's a 'boyfriend'. The word seems too casual for what they have. But that's her fault isn't it? She's the one who balks when he pushes them forward. She isn't going to think about it, not today. Not when his daughter is standing by the door, looking at her like she's still waiting for an answer. Oh. She is still waiting.

"That sounds great, just let me put some pants on and untangle the lion's mane." She's now in a hurry, leaves Alexis in the living room and heads off in search of pants. Her favorite jeans won't fasten but she's going to wear them anyway.

When she finds them, she weaves a hair tie through the loop and wraps it around the button. It'll work for now and her shirt covers it so its no big deal. Her hair is another mess, literally, and she doesn't really want to take the time to fix it. She unbraids it, tosses it up into a bun and calls it good. It's a day with Castle's daughter, Alexis isn't going to care that she's sans makeup and wearing clothes that don't really fit.

* * *

Three stores down - four shirts and three pairs of pants later - Alexis drags her into a baby focused store. Strollers, hats, footie pajamas, the whole nine yards. At first she freezes, unsure about any of it but this is what comes with expecting a child. She needs this stuff. She needs clothes for Cub. And...everything. She's a little overwhelmed by the rows of pinks and blues and greens.

She wants Castle. She wants him to be here, to get that look of silly glee on his face and bounce from rack to rack picking out ridiculously adorable outfits.

"Oh Kate, look at this!" She catches her breath, obeys the voice calling to her and she almost bursts with affection. Clearly, Castle isn't the only one who can get that look in his eye. His daughter seems to have inherited the trait and maybe this isn't so bad. She's in good company. "It has little feet!"

It does. And it's one of the cutest things Kate has ever seen. A brown and tan sleeper that has bear paws as feet - she knows that little Castle has picked something that big Castle would be proud of but of course his daughter doesn't stop there, she keeps pulling things off the rack. She should've known that shopping with any Castle would be like this.

"It's adorable Alexis."

"Dad told me I could get anything I thought you might need and let's face it, Cub _needs_ this." She bites her lip, let's Alexis have the moment because she knows the girl is right. How cute is their baby going to be in a bear outfit?

Their Cub needs clothes. Oh. _Oh. _The last time she pictured herself with a family, her mother was still alive. She's always seen herself doing this - baby talks, baby clothes, baby everything - with her own mother and that hurts just a little.

She doesn't want Alexis knowing she's managed to upset herself so she paints on a smile and finally reaches out toward the soft baby clothes right in front of her. Her mother doesn't get to be here for this, any of it, and the fact that she's putting everything off won't change that. She needs to face it.

Her shopping partner coos over a pink ballerina onesie but quickly puts it back and grabs at something else equally as tiny. All the clothes are so little. It's insane to think she's going to care for someone that small.

"When are you guys finding out if I'm getting a brother or a sister?"

"Thursday - hopefully. All depends on if this little Cub cooperates." She glances over the clothes, catches the way her blue eyes light up. "You should come."

She doesn't think before she suggests it but the smile she's met with almost knocks the air right out of her lungs. Sometimes Alexis surprises her.

"Really?"

"Of course. This is your little brother or sister, you have every right to come and be a part of this." She looks away from the delighted red head - not to be rude or because she's uncomfortable but her fingers have landed on something so soft, she absolutely needs to see it.

Her heart swells and she knows she's hooked. Maybe she hesitated and yes, maybe she needs to talk to Castle and confess a few things but she knows that after this, all she's going to want to do is buy baby clothes because the white sleeper she's touching is the softest thing she's ever felt in her entire life.

"Touch this." She feels ridiculous but holds it out anyway, watches the pale fingers grasp at the fabric.

"You have to get this, I've never felt anything so soft. And it has ducks on it so it could work for a boy or a girl." She's sold. She doesn't even think twice. This is a good idea after all.

* * *

The bags are scattered on their bed - Castle's bed. For some reason after the shopping trip, she found herself at his door. She doesn't really want to think about why. He isn't home, she's not sure where he is but she's pretty sure his meeting wouldn't take this long. She's a little too busy pulling out baby clothes and maternity clothes to think about it too much.

She's comfortable here. Even when he's gone, she can still walk around the loft like she belongs. Because she does. She belongs. She isn't sure what that means or why she's thinking about it now while holding up the bear sleeper that Alexis insisted on getting. It's too cute.

Where is she supposed to put the baby clothes? They haven't bought a dresser yet and he doesn't have any hangers small enough. She leaves them on the bed, decides they'll just have to stay there. She wants to show Castle anyway. When he gets home. She checks her father's watch - frowns when she reads the time. Where is he?

He hasn't called, isn't answering when she texts. Maybe it's nothing and she's worrying for no reason or maybe he's been abducted by Secret Service agents and is being held captive somewhere. Yeah, she spends too much time with him. But there's nowhere else she'd rather be. He keeps her happy - even when they're fighting, she's still happier than she's been in quite a while.

She sits amongst the heaps of fabric taking up the surface area of his bed and chuckles as she looks at all of it. Maybe she went a little crazy. She blames Alexis for pulling her into the baby store. It's not her fault that there were so many cute and soft baby things. It's probably a good thing Castle wasn't there. If she ended up with at least ten baby outfits, she doesn't even want to know how much she would have came home with if he'd tagged along.

Home. This is home. She loves it here and she knows that she could make it permanent. It's her choice. She could mix their things, have some of her knick knacks in the bedroom amongst his. It's something she's starting to seriously consider. She's almost half-way through her pregnancy. She knows it's for the best, knows that she wants to live with him - she just wants the timing to be perfect.

But is there such thing as perfect timing? Maybe she needs to just box up her things and get it over with. That thought scares her a little - no, she needs to plan it. Perhaps, not to perfection but at least so she isn't stressing herself out over it. The last thing she needs is stress.

Speaking of, where is her writer? She's been in his room for about an hour. Part of her wants to call him - ask him where he is but then he'll know she's waiting on him and she kind of wants it to be a surprise. With a somewhat aggravated sigh, she stands and strips out of the jeans she's been wearing all day. She's pretty sure she no longer likes jeans. Sweat pants and slacks are okay but jeans - not so much. Not with Cub poking out.

"Well this is a nice surprise," Kate startles, whirls around with her hand over her chest. She wants to be mad at him for sneaking up but she isn't because he's leaning against the door and he looks worn out.

"I didn't hear you come in."

"Maybe you were too busy getting naked." She narrows her eyes, stalks over to him and doesn't stop until they're toe to toe. Her bare feet to his shoes. His arm immediately wraps around her waist, tugs her those last few inches until she's pressing against him, belly and all.

"I wasn't getting naked - not that you'd mind."

"I wouldn't mind but this is better." She frowns, wonders what he's talking about as he pecks her on the lips. "A half naked woman surrounded by baby clothes."

"Oh, yeah, Alexis and I might have got a little caught up in the moment."

"I'm sorry about this morning."

"S'okay, I had a great time without you." She's teasing, smoky eyes and her tongue poking out between her teeth. "How was your meeting?"

"Same as always. Exciting at first and then boring after about two minutes." She can't resist, she ruffles his hair and pulls him for a kiss. A proper one. Warm and soft. Mouths loving against one another. "I missed you."

She doesn't return the sentiment, he knows she missed him too. She doesn't need to say it - it's in the way she squeezes his sides and the smile she gives him.

"I think I felt Cub move today."

"Yeah?" And it's worth it. It's worth waiting in his home for over an hour because he's beaming at her. She wouldn't mind doing this everyday. Being with him in his home. "Won't be long till we can feel her kick."

"Her?" She catches it, asks because she wants to know his preference. He says he's happy either way but she knows he has to prefer one over the other. She knows because she does. "You want another girl?"

"I - no, I just...I know what to do with a girl. But that doesn't mean I'll love Cub any less if it turns out to be a boy."

"I know." He loves so fiercely that she will never question that. He already loves the baby so much. "Come on, I want to show you some of the clothes we got."

He doesn't let her go, doesn't let her tug him over to the bed. Instead, she's being held tighter and the look on his face is one she's seen before. One that still scares her sometimes. How he loves. It's intense and pure. He hasn't said it again - not since they got together but he's about to. She can see it. He's trying to hold it back and she feels terrible because they're dating and they're having a baby - he shouldn't have to stop himself from saying something so...good.

"Kate," She wants to hear him, she doesn't want him to stop himself anymore because she needs it. She needs to hear it. His lips form a thin line as she watches the battle play out over his features.

"I have both feet in, Castle. You can say anything and I'm not going anywhere." She doesn't expect the laugh that bubbles out of him - in fact she's almost a little insulted because she's being serious and he finds it funny.

"I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure if I said that I never wanted to see you again - you wouldn't just stick around." Of course. He's going to make fun of her choice of words. He's the wordsmith, not her.

She rolls her eyes and tries to step away - the moment is ruined because he thinks he's so funny. He's not. That's not something she ever wants to joke about or think about. He doesn't let her go, strokes a hand over their Cub. Apparently when he's serious, there's no ruining the moment.

"I love you, Kate. Both of you." The smile spreads across her face as she reaches up to cup his chin, tug him down until their lips meet. She shows him how she feels, in the way her mouth caresses his. She proves that she's not scared of him - of hearing the words. Never scared of him. Never.

She needs him to know that. Needs him to understand that even when she's stubborn and hard to deal with, it's not because of him. It's always just her. Her insecurities sometimes get the best of her but this,_ him_, she's ready for all of it. He pulls away first, rests his forehead against hers.

"Not to be the controlling girlfriend but where were you? I know the meeting didn't last this long."

"It's a surprise." He gives her nothing more to go on. She'll interrogate him later but for now, she wants to show him the baby clothes, and maybe model some of her new outfits as well.

**a/n: Still in a bad mood...but not as cranky now. Next chapter, we find out if Cub is a he or a she. :D  
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	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: Just no.  
**

**A/N: I'm super excited for this chapter...and nervous too. Because obviously not everyone is going to like how it turns out but I hope you still keep reading. I feel about like Kate does in this chapter. Holy Batman! Over 300 reviews?  
**

**To my guest reviewers: Thank you so much for the kind words and for taking the time to review. :D**

It's a rush. Fear, excitement, nervousness. There was no sleeping the night before - even if she had managed to drift off, Castle's "thinking" would have woke her in the wee hours anyway. But nope. No sleep and here they are. It isn't just his leg shaking this time. Alexis is fidgeting - her thumbs twirling together as she stands next to the exam table. And if Castle hadn't already taken hold of her hand, she's pretty sure she would be offering it to his daughter. Kate's really glad that Alexis is here - that she's not uncomfortable with this.

She looks happy, excited and it makes a smile bloom on Kate's face. Everyone is excited to the point of it almost becoming nausea. That twist in her stomach as the gel is smeared across her rounding stomach actually makes her worry that she's going to be sick. This is just big and she's so glad that she's not alone. That she has a family to be here with her.

She squeezes Castle's hand, watches as their baby appears on the monitor. She hears Alexis gasp but she can't tear her eyes away from the gray scale image of the child growing inside of her. It's really growing - so much bigger now. The baby moves, squirms and she wishes she could feel every bit of it.

"Cub's waving." She laughs, but the red head is right. The baby has it's hand up by his or her face - fingers stretched.

"You excited to be a big sister?" Kate really wants to look, watch in pride as Alexis smiles but there's no way she's going turn and look at anything else right now.

"Yeah, just anxious to know if it's a boy or a girl." She makes a mental note to hug the girl later for inadvertently asking the doctor to hurry up.

"I can see that. All of you look pretty wound up." Kate wants to roll her eyes. She loves the woman she chose as her doctor - she really does but right now, she wants to know if she's getting a son or a daughter and she wants to know five minutes ago. "Alrighty, let's see if this little one will cooperate."

Please. Please - she's already trying to bargain with her child but she wants to know. Wants to get serious about everything - picking a name, painting a nursery, buying gender appropriate clothing. She needs to know if her gut is right. She bites her lip, watches as the picture on the screen changes due to her doc moving the wand on her belly.

At first, she has no idea what she's seeing but then it stops - stays and she's pretty sure she's squeezing the life out of Castle's hand. He doesn't seem to care, his thumb is stroking over her knuckles but he isn't complaining a bit. Legs. She knows she's staring at legs and the cutest little bum she's ever seen. Her kid is never living this down.

A smaller hand curls around her wrist and she knows it's Alexis, can hear the rustle of fabric as she moves. Her heart is racing, pounding in her chest as the blood rushes through her body.

"Before we reveal, does anyone want to take a guess?" No one does, they keep their opinions to themselves. "Okay then, you guys really are anxious. It look like Miss Alexis is getting a baby..."

God! Of course she gets the doctor who wants to drag everything out. Castle is practically bouncing and she's just getting a little fed up. Hormones are a bitch sometimes and she just wants to know. That's not so hard. Kate watches as the view of their baby shifts just a bit and her heart seizes. She knows before her doctor even says the word.

She blinks hard. Doesn't remember when her eyes filled with tears but one trails down her cheek and she feels a little embarrassed because Alexis is here and she's turning into a mess.

"Brother." She hears Castle's stuttered breath, looks up at him and smiles. Her eyes aren't the only ones betraying her - his are wet too. She doesn't care that his daughter is standing right next to him - she tugs on his hand, lifts up to meet him half way and then they're kissing. Soft and quick - she really isn't about to maul him in front of an audience.

He keeps his hand in hers, the other rests on her cheek and she swallows roughly around the lump lodged in her throat. This is her moment with her family.

"A boy." The wonder in his voice makes her choke out a laugh. "Kate, a boy."

"I know."

* * *

She stays at the loft. Doesn't go with him when he accompanies Alexis back to her dorm. After a morning of finding out they're having a son, an ice cream celebration, and going to a movie, she's more than a little tired. She just wants to relax and maybe call her dad. Let him know he's getting a grandson.

She's browsing the books, letting her fingers dance along the spines as she calls. Waits for an answer as she pulls one of his novels off the shelf. The first book he based off of her.

_"Hey Katie." _No matter how old she gets, she never tires of hearing her father's voice.

"Hey Dad, I know we're having lunch tomorrow but I couldn't wait that long to tell you." She had planned to but it's impossible because it's gnawing at her, begging to be released. She's pretty sure the joy is written all over face. "It's a boy."

_"A boy?"_

"Yeah, looks like my gut was right - you get a grandson to teach baseball." Even if it'd been a girl, she knows her dad, knows that baseball was on the agenda no matter what. He's quiet for a moment, she can hear him suck in a breath and she bites her lip.

_"A grandson." _She can hear the adoration in his voice and smiles but at the same time she can't help but wonder, how her mom would've reacted. _"I bet Rick is excited."_

"Yeah, I think he's a little scared which is good because I'm terrified and I want us to be on an even playing field."

_"You'll be great, sweetheart. You've always had a soft spot for kids - just like your mother." _She doesn't want to cry, isn't going to let herself. It's true, her mother loved kids.

"We are still on for lunch tomorrow, right?"

_"As long as you bring pictures of my grandson."_

"I'm pretty sure I can manage that." She says her goodbyes, promises she won't forget about meeting him this time. She still feels pretty awful about that but it's become a joke now. Just a way to tease her and she loves him for it.

She leaves her phone on the coffee table - tells herself she's only going into the bedroom for a minute. But then she's sitting on the bed and it's comfy and Cub doesn't want to get up. That's right, she's blaming her son. Son - it still makes her smile like a lunatic. She holds 'Heat Wave' in one hand, caresses her belly with the other.

"Hey baby boy, want to read with me?" She wants to feel a kick but still nothing. "It's one of Daddy's books - not my absolute favorite but it's up there on the list."

Maybe she shouldn't read murder mysteries to her unborn child but it's not like the baby will remember and she'll leave certain details out. The gory bits she isn't comfortable sharing and there's no way she's reading the scene starting on page one-oh-five. At least, not out loud.

She starts with page one. Let's her voice drift along the walls of his bedroom. She's been spending more and more time here - less time at her apartment. It's getting close to the day. The day she's moving in. She picked a day on her calendar, won't let herself back out. He doesn't know and she doesn't want him to - not yet. But it's soon.

Soon they'll be able to set up the nursery and just enjoy their time alone before Cub joins the world. Soon, he'll be reading to their son and spinning wild tales to coax him to sleep. She smiles, reading a scene with Rook - it's so obvious he's Castle. Her voice shifts, happy and light as the words flow from her mouth.

She's on page thirty-two when she's interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. Maybe she should be embarrassed but she isn't, she only pauses for a brief moment before she continues on as if nothing happened. She ignores him when he enters the bedroom, tries to hide her smile when he chuckles but she can't. Of course he finds this amusing.

"Story time?"

"If you're good, I'll let you join."

"Oh I can be _very_ good." Her cheeks flush and she lets her eyes dart over to him. He's a cheeky monkey sometimes. Okay, most of the time.

"Come read to your son." She doesn't have to tell him twice, he's practically jumping into the bed before she even finishes her sentence. He ignores the book in her hands, focuses on the swell of her abdomen and she lets her head drop back to the pillow - rests the hardcover in her lap.

"My son."

"I know you were kind of hoping for a girl." She isn't trying to make him feel bad - let's him know that with her fingers stroking through his hair. He kisses her stomach, nuzzles his face against it.

"He's perfect, Kate."

"We need to start getting serious now. A name, furniture, paint, breastfeeding or no, whether I want a natural birth or -"

"We could name him Jameson." He's looking up at her, eyes playful and she can't help but tug on the strands of his hair, smile back at him.

"No offense, Castle but I don't want to name our child after the fictional you who's sleeping with the fictional me - it's weird." He winces, seems to realize exactly what she means.

"Point taken."

"And I don't care how much they beg or bribe you, we're not naming him after the boys. Not directly." He laughs, causes both of them to shake. "But we might find a middle name that will appease them."

"We could use RJ."

"That's actually what I was thinking. Not just for Espo and Ryan but for Montgomery too. I don't want to use Roy - that's a little too obvious." She's not kidding, she's really thought about this. As long as the first name they choose flows nicely, then she wants to use initials for the middle name. "If that's okay?"

"We'll see what happens when we decide on a first name but I think that's perfect." She lets out a breath, beams at him, bright and full of love.

"Nursery color?"

"I like the thought of green but not just one shade. Emerald and mint." She wants to tease him, tell him he's obviously already thought all of this out in his head but she doesn't. She's too busy reveling in the fact that they're agreeing on things and letting her fingers curl around his ear. "You?"

"I like green. I was only thinking mint but your idea sounds better. It'll look good with dark furniture, like cherry." She can picture it in her head already. "Next day off, we're going furniture shopping and we need to get more clothes."

"A lot more clothes, toys, bottles - we don't even have bottles - diapers. Can never have enough diapers. We need blankets too, and a baby monitor, probably a bassinet because I don't know about you, but I really don't want our son sleeping in a room upstairs until he's -"

"Breathe," He's excited and cute and she just wants to put him in her pocket. "We have time."

"The weeks have already flown by, Kate."

"I know, but let's just make a plan instead of overwhelming ourselves, okay?" He nods, she feels his head move against her stomach, sees the way he's having a mini panic attack because he's right - they don't have anything besides the clothes she's bought. "We'll take a day each week - unless a case comes up - and go shopping. I'll make a list for each trip so there's no guesswork and we remember everything."

"You really are remarkable." He grabs her wrist, pulls her hand from his hair and presses his lips against her pulse point. His expression falls into something serious, mouth set in a line and brows furrowed. "Are we buying two cribs?"

She chews on the plump flesh of her bottom lip, debates on what to tell him. No. It's never really been an ideal thought but she also thought he wouldn't push. That is what he said, isn't it? He's not really pushing though when she's already made up her mind. It's always been just a matter of timing.

"I need you to trust me, Castle."

"I do. I know I said I wouldn't push -" She interrupts, let's him know how she really feels as he finally lifts his head from her belly.

"You're not."

"I just...you're not getting any less pregnant Kate and the further along you get, the harder it's going to be. I know you want to move in - I know you." She's stifling a laugh at his 'less pregnant' comment but only because he's serious and this is clearly bothering him. The tension in his muscles gives it away. He moves the book from her legs - keeps her place as he holds it.

"I know. I do." She silently begs for him to understand - to let it go for the night. "I understand what you're saying and even Alexis mentioned it earlier. I get it. I do but not today. I'm not packing up my things today."

She doesn't tell him that she's already packed one box. Just one but hey, it's better than nothing. It's symbolic. It's proof that she's a step closer.

"Okay, I don't want to fight." That's what he says but she can see that he feels like they already did. She reaches for him, pulls until he gives in and meets her mouth with his own. She lets him dominate, lets him set the pace. It's his choice to kiss her thoroughly, roughly, tongues and teeth meshing. But it's her choice to pull away. She does, bumps her nose to his and gives him a warm smile that hopefully eases his fears.

"We're not fighting. I'm not upset and you have every right to ask - but you don't need to." It's not an answer but she can feel the tension in his muscles release. "You gonna read to us?"

"You want me to?"

"Cub does, but leave out the gruesome parts and the naughty stuff - he doesn't need to hear that."

"You think he plugs his ears when we have sex, Kate? Pretty sure he can hear you." She feels her body heat, glares playfully as he opens to the page she left off on. "Why this book?"

"I inspired it, I want Cub to know that his father is a hopeless romantic who writes books dedicated to people he cares about."

"Let's be honest, the first book was really just me trying to get in your pants." She laughs a full, hearty sound that has him grinning. "I never thought it'd go this far - not back then. I knew there was something magnetic about you but I had no idea."

"You're being sappy."

"A little. It's been a pretty amazing day." He kisses her cheek, moves to lean back against the headboard. She follows, wrapping an arm around his waist, her belly pressing into his side and her head on his shoulder. She points to the exact spot she stopped reading and closes her eyes when his voice fills their bedroom. Theirs.

He brings it to life, the words he wrote and she loves it. Loves that she gets to hear the book the way he intends it to be read.

**a/n: Because I've read the books so many times it's not even funny. **

**I've had a boy in my head since I started this story because Stana seems to think their first born should be a boy. And because of Molly Quinn who apparently wants Caskett to have twin boys. I know some of you were really pushing for a girl and I'm sorry. I hope you still like the story though. :)  
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**Also the next chapter is a bit of a roller coaster. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: Not today folks, still just your average 22 year old.  
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**A/N: That moment when you have to quit college because you can't afford it but apparently financial aid seems to think you can. That makes the third time I've tried to go to college. I'm done. I'm so done with the world right now and everything in it. But hopefully my writing hasn't decided to fail me too.  
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**Thank you to all my Guest reviewers! I really do love you guys.**

She's been planning for days - almost a week - since they found out Cub is a boy, excited for just as long and she can't wait to see what his 'surprise' is because she knows he _has _to give it to her today. It's the only reason she hasn't been hounding him about it. Okay, maybe she did hound him a little a few days ago but it didn't work. She really thought she could get it out of him but he's too tight lipped about it. Ha. It sounds like a joke but it's true.

Her phone buzzes across her desk and she grabs it quickly before Castle can even raise an eyebrow to question it. She tries to hide her smile, not give anything away but as soon as she reads it, she's done for and it blooms on her face. Sometimes Alexis is undeniably a Castle.

_'Phase 1: Complete. Entering Phase 2.'_

She quickly types out a reply and hits send before she chances a glance at her partner. The one she's irritated with. He isn't completely clueless, she knows he suspects something and if the way he's narrowed his gaze at her is any indication, he's highly suspicious. Even the ongoing argument and her frustration aren't doing anything to deter the man.

"Well someone seems happy."

"Just got some good news." He doesn't believe her. It's written all over his face and she wants to just tell him but she can't. She won't let herself. Because this day is going to be special even if she is still mad at him. Her leg still hurts. It's still his fault. She's definitely still miffed.

She told him. A million times. She frowns, bites her lip as her hand traces over her thigh. She presses, feels that there is definitely a bruise and her eyes narrow in his direction. Yeah, she's not over it.

"Are you still mad?" Worst question ever to ask a woman and the thing is, she knows that he's not that stupid.

"Yes. How many times have I told you not to leave your shoes in the middle of the floor? I'm not your mother, Castle."

"It's not like you tripped over them." He's right _she _saw them. _She_ tried to tell him to look out but no, of course not. _He_ was too busy trying to seduce her back into bed to pay attention.

"That's right. You did. And you slammed me into the nightstand in the process. Smooth move Romeo." Okay, maybe she's not _really _angry but she is annoyed. Frustrated. Stressed. She needs this day to be perfect.

"I said I was sorry." After fussing for an hour over their baby, he'd done more than apologize. He'd kissed every inch of her leg with her fighting him the whole time. She's still a little flushed from the encounter. "And if we're really getting into annoying habits, how bout the way you eat M&M's? Drives me crazy."

"What's wrong with the way I eat M&M's?" She knows before he says it. Before he even tilts his head in disbelief and why are they even doing this? Picking stupid fights on their anniversary?

"You separate them by color and weed out the weaker ones by taking two and crushing them. The first to break is the one you eat. And you say I'm childish?" He's pushing it a little and he knows it. Hell, at this point so does every person in the bullpen. Ryan, Esposito, and she's sure Gates is staring too. Random people passing by. Great - they shouldn't do this here and yet, she pushes back.

"Is that all?" She waits, let's him take in the fact that she's actually letting him dig a hole. He doesn't say anything, just sits back and stares at her. "Well?"

"Not even close - there's a million things and I know you have even more tics about me - but you know what, I don't care if you drive me crazy." She smiles a little, hates that he gets to her with just words but it's sweet and she feels the same way. There are millions of things he does that drive her nuts but she wouldn't trade it. Not for anything. "So we can sit here and argue over something ridiculous or we can enjoy those moments."

He's right and she knows it. She'll be laughing over this soon - they both will. And it was pretty funny, the way he flailed before hitting the ground. Yeah, that was hilarious. Still is. She smirks, gives him a single nod and smooths her thumb over Cub. She's trying to pay more attention to what's happening inside of her - she wants to feel the first kick.

"You're right, but maybe next time either pay attention to where you're stepping or put your shoes in the closet." He won't. She knows. The man will forget and he'll leave them in the exact same place. She's used to it.

She might as well be. She practically lives with him. That thought alone makes all her lingering frustration vanish and she has to grab her box of juice to hide her smile.

"I'll move them. As soon as we leave here and make it to the loft, I'll throw them in the closet." She chokes on the sip of juice she's trying to swallow. Coughs a few times to hide it and tries not to panic. No. He can't go home.

"I thought we were going out tonight?"

"No."

"But it's our one year -"

"I know but I have a surprise - as you are aware - and it's at the loft." Crap. Crap. She needs to keep him away. Otherwise, her plan is going to be ruined. Her present will be pointless if they go straight home. Well not pointless but she wants to really shock him.

* * *

She tries to nonchalantly suggest they get some food but he shoots her down. He seems excited and she doesn't want to mess this up but he's inadvertently dashing her plan. Twice on the way home, she's mentioned wanting something to drink or that she needs to pee. Which really isn't a total lie - their boy is pressing just right on her bladder but he just drives faster. She shouldn't have let him drive.

"Castle, I really need to go." She's trying it again. They're blocks away from the loft and she's getting desperate. He sighs, relents and pulls up next to a random store. She feels bad. Sort of. She does need to go but she could hold it.

Once inside the bathroom, she texts Alexis and waits for the reply before actually using the restroom. He's left in the car, waiting but she really doesn't feel too bad.

_'How's the mission?' _Okay, yeah she's been having too much fun with this over the last several days. Getting his daughter and mother to help. Dealing with everything on her end while keeping it a secret as well.

_'Not quite ready.' _That's not what she's hoping for but it seems to be the theme for her day. Between bickering and now this, she's not sure why she's been so convinced today would be perfect.

She takes a little extra time washing her hands, lathering them with soap three times before rinsing and slowly drying. She can't just leave him out there but she needs to stall because this is big and she wants to see the look on his face when he finds out what his gift is. She doesn't hurry back to the car, in fact her stride is measured, slow.

She takes her time climbing back into the passenger seat, buckling the belt and adjusting it around her baby bump. He won't drive until he's sure that she and their child are secure.

"Do you want a milkshake? I really want a shake."

"Kate?"

"Hm?"

"There a reason you don't want to go home?" She's really bad at this. She's usually a better liar but really how is one supposed to keep Richard Castle away from his own home when he's in such a rush to get there? "Because I really thought with the promise of a 'surprise' looming overhead, you'd be a little more eager than this."

He acts hurt. His face has fallen - lips dipping into a frown - and eyes staring straight ahead as if he's afraid to look at her. Afraid he'll see something - maybe panic. That's not what she wants. She's doing this all wrong.

"I am eager." It's not a lie, she's practically bouncing in her seat. She wants to know what he's been hiding. "I am."

"Then stop stalling us." It's on the tip of her tongue, the words that will definitely blow her cover. She can't ruin it but is it worth him thinking she's trying to get out of whatever he has in mind for their night? "Let's go home and then I'll be more than happy to share your surprise with you."

She's silent the rest of the ride. She texts his daughter again but there's no reply and she's nervous. Worried that this isn't going to work the way she wants it to but she can't let him catch on just yet so she says nothing. Keeps quiet, even when he's parked and they're out of the car.

Her last attempt is in the way she grabs his hand, holds it with her own and slows his pace to a stroll. It's all she has left but it works inconspicuously. He just smiles, pulls her closer and leads them into the elevator. Her heart is hammering when he presses the button for their floor and the metal box roars to life. She feels it move, cants into him and watches as they pass each floor.

The ding of the doors opening seals her fate. This is it, he's going to see and she knows he's going to be surprised and happy but she wants it perfect. She hopes everything is done - well the parts she asked his family to do. She seriously owes them big after this.

"Kate, are you okay?" They're right outside the door and she isn't sure why he's asking instead of just entering his home. "Your hand is sweating."

"Sorry, just..." She tugs her fingers from his hold, wipes them against her thigh. "open the door, Castle."

He does, and she follows him as he stumbles through it. He's clearly confused - unaware as she watches him closely. His mother and daughter are on the couch - looking as innocent as can be but it doesn't seem to shock him. He carries on, opens his mouth to greet them and that's when he freezes. He must see it. It isn't too obvious but she smiles and revels in the way his eyes are glued to it.

Three women are watching, waiting to see what his reaction is going to be and when he turns to her, adorable fish face - open mouthed - and all, she breaks. She closes the two feet of space and looks up at him through her lashes. This is big.

"Is that...?" He's gesturing to her bookshelf sitting out in the open. Purposefully placed in the line of sight.

"Yeah. Figured it was about time to pack up and come home." She doesn't get to smile, or continue her thought because his mouth is on hers, demanding everything and she gives it. Let's him tangle his hand in her hair, wrap an arm around her waist and pull their bodies as close as possible. Her belly gets in the way but it's not big enough to really deter them.

He pulls back, just a brief second to stroke over her cheek before slowing it down, kissing her mouth as if he's cherishing it. Teasing, nipping at her bottom lip.

"I think that, my dear, is our cue to leave." Kate tenses, mortified by the fact that his mother is watching. She forgot. He made her forget.

"Definitely." She wants to tell them they can stay but Castle doesn't even seem to notice they're still here. He's just staring at her. He only turns when his daughter kisses his cheek. "You guys are cute and all, but I really don't need to see how the baby was made."

Kate feels her face burn with embarrassment, no doubt turning a shade of red she's sure gives away her thoughts. That's exactly where this was heading. She turns to Alexis, ready to apologize but the girl doesn't give her the chance, just kisses her face the same as she did her father's and follows her grandmother to the door.

"Oh, Dad? Everything is ready." She winks and Kate comes out of her daze. Wait. What's going on?

"What's ready?" Her voice drowns out the sound of the door closing, pulls her partner from his stupor. He's beaming, radiating happiness in this moment and it warms her inside and out that she's the one who did that. With a little help.

"You moved in?"

"I've been packing for the last several days - paying off my lease and getting things squared away. Alexis and Martha offered to move everything - with help - while we were out as my present to you. I asked if they would set up my shelf, put some stuff on it and leave the rest in our bedroom."

"Our bedroom. Our loft. Kate this is -" She captures his words with a quick press of her mouth to his. He's getting distracted.

"What's ready, Castle? Clearly I'm not the only one who enlisted help." He doesn't deny it, just shakes off whatever haze he's in and leads her into the bedroom. She lets her hand come up to cover her mouth when she sees it and obviously he's a little stunned too because there are boxes everywhere - her things - most of them. Some went into storage.

But that isn't all she sees, there's a checkered table cloth tossed over four of the boxes, two empty wine glasses resting atop the makeshift table in the middle of the floor as candles - flickering and beautiful.

"Well, I didn't really know they'd use boxes but it works."

"You asked them to set up a picnic in our room?" She's not sure she understands. It's lovely, it is but this isn't what she pictured at all.

"Eh, not exactly." He leaves her side, grabs the bottle of sparkling Grape juice and pours them both a glass. She's still waiting for an explanation when she moves around and lowers herself to the floor next to the little box table.

"I'll need your help to get back up." It bothers her a little that she isn't as flexible now due to Cub's growing but she loves their son. "So what is this?"

"It's a picnic - yes but it's also us, just us. No crowds, no restaurant. Just us. Intimate?" He's asking and his words bring back a memory. Intimate and big.

"Rick," She pushes her hair behind her ear and watches him. He's nervous. "Are you...?"

"No, not yet." Her brow furrows as he pulls a box out of his pocket. "I had this made for you, specifically."

He doesn't open it, just slides it across their picnic table until it's right in front of her. Taunting her to grab it. She does, the small velvet box is heavier than it looks. She glances up, meets his eyes for a brief second before she lets her fingers lift the lid. She knows she gasps, she hears it and then she's biting her lip and trying to keep the smile from splitting her face in half.

"Castle,"

"Right now, it's just my birthstone and yours but there's space to add Cub's. I know we're due in November but there's always the chance that he could come early so I didn't want -"

"This is perfect." She takes the ring out, doesn't even hesitate to put it on her left hand. She hears his sharp intake of breath when he watches it slide onto her ring finger. "What? I figure we'll eventually end up married, right?"

"Are you proposing to me?"

"No."

"Cause, it kind of sounds like you're proposing." She laughs, shakes her head at this silly man. She's not. Not really but she's knows they'll get there. They're already here, living together and having a baby.

"And letting you off the hook - I don't think so, Castle." She's a woman. Yes, she's independent to a fault, strong willed, but she's still a woman. She still wants him to ask that question.

"I'm taking that as permission to start planning the greatest proposal ever." He's a goofball. A complete and utterly ridiculous romantic goofball. She loves it.

She reaches for his hand, and that's when she feels it. This bubbling sensation in her stomach that's followed quickly by something she hasn't felt before. It's almost as if she's being poked from the inside - something prodding. The shock must show on her face because he's squeezing her hand and she has to drag her eyes away from her rounding stomach.

"Come here," She tugs, makes him crawl around on his knees until he's next to her. She waits for it to happen again, at first there's nothing but she places his hand on the right side of her abdomen and uses her fingers to prod at the left side. It works, she feels it again, hopes it's strong enough for him to feel it too. "Can you feel it?"

Their son is kicking and judging by the smile that spreads across Castle's face, she's not the only one experiencing this. Cub stops again, but this was enough. Enough for them.

"You practicing your take down tactic in there, Cub?" She wants to tell him it's impossible for their baby to even know what he's talking about but she doesn't because it still takes the air right out of her lungs when he does this. When his face is pressed into her bump, ear right against it. "Gonna be a badass like your Mom, I bet."

"I have a feeling he's going to be more of an uncoordinated dork like his father."

"Hey now! I've saved your life multiple times with my so called 'uncoordinated' ways." She cards her fingers through his hair - it's one of her favorite things to do. The feel of the soft silky strands sliding between her digits is relaxing.

"True." He pressed a kiss to Cub and then he's raising back up to her level and the happiness dancing in his eyes makes her heart twist in her chest. "I'm really sorry about this morning - picking a fight over stupid stuff."

"It's not a big deal, Kate. We're going to fight over small stuff sometimes, stupid stuff, but we work it out." She gives him a nod, let's him lean in for a kiss. Her eyes close in anticipation, waiting for his silky mouth but instead she feels the warm puffs of his breath. "Besides, I think I know why you were stressing."

"Moving is kind of stressful. Even if I wasn't the one doing all of it."

"You really live here," She almost hates the wonder in his tone but she chooses to love it instead. "What do you say, we finish our juice and then move this to our bed?"

"Sounds like a plan - but maybe we could fit some grilled cheese in there somewhere cause I'm starving." He nods, closes the space between them but she's muttering into his lips. "And we should start unpacking."

"Later."

**a/n: The M&M thing. Yeah, I do that. Because they MADE us do it in one of my college anthropology labs as a way to represent population, drift, mutation.  
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	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer:  
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**A/N: This is insane guys! Almost 400 reviews?! I seriously can't thank any of you enough. This is my most trafficked story right now and that makes me super happy. Make sure you read the note at the end. It's an important question.  
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**Also, I plan on replying to reviews after I eat lunch with the nephew. Just wanted to post this before I forgot about it for the night. :)**

Boredom. That's what she's feeling. At twenty weeks, she's agreed to spend most of her time in the precinct while everyone else gets to go out for the take downs. As soon as her vest stopped fitting, she knew she couldn't risk it. Even before, she was always ten times more cautious. Never being the first through the door anymore - waiting until the area was cleared before she even entered. But this - even for such a fantastic reason - just sucks. She's just stuck. Waiting. She's so used to being there. Being in the action and maybe she's a little sore because Castle ran off with the boys and she's just here - at her desk.

There's plenty she could do, there's things she's supposed to be doing but right now she's twirling her pen on a post-it note. She still gets out sometimes, goes to do a few interviews but mostly she's either in a car, at home, or at her desk. Half way there - she's half way through her pregnancy and while part of her wishes things would hurry along because she really just wants to hold her son, another part of her doesn't want it to end.

She likes feeling him move - wonders how her own mother felt. Loves the way he stretches and it's almost funny when he gets the hiccups - which seems to happen right when she wants to sleep. She'll miss being so close and having him safely tucked away inside of her but she wants to share these moments with Castle. She wants him to hold their son, to see his face the first time Cub cries.

She's getting too emotional just thinking about it. Was her Mom like this? She wants to ask her Dad, maybe he'll have some stories to share. Maybe he'll finally tell her what he said to Castle on the phone and why her partner answered with an elusive 'everyday'. Maybe she needs to visit her Mom. She hasn't in awhile. Not since she's been with Castle - she could open up a little more, let him come.

She scribbles over the yellow sticky paper - starts drawing little circles everywhere on it. She's an adult, she should not be scribbling because she's bored. Oh. She can make a list. Things they need to buy this week. It's been almost a full seven days since their last shopping trip. Discarding the used post-it, she starts fresh with a clean one.

They've got bottles - enough to last. Their last trip was all about diapers and bottles, warm fuzzy blankets and he even talked her into getting a walker despite the fact that it'd be quite awhile before Cub could use it. Silly man. She wants a baby swing. It goes as number one on her list and she silently ticks off all the things they already have waiting at home.

The crib was delivered yesterday - a dark cherry wood sleigh crib that she fell in love with. It's still in the box but it's here. Number two becomes crib bedding. She wants something that's going to match the walls. Number three is paint. She thinks they almost have everything the bed, the changing table, the bottles, diapers, random little toys. The carseat was on their list a couple trips ago, and she found a green one with teddy bears on it. Perfect for their little guy.

Everything is almost in order. She adds a few odds and ends to her list - things they need around the house like shampoo and toothpaste. What they really need is a name. It makes her nervous that they haven't decided yet. It's always a battle. They both like the names: Nikolai, Jayden - but she feels that's almost too many 'J's if they're keeping RJ as his middle name - Landon, Tyler, Weston and Wyatt. That's what it's narrowed down to.

She's not so sure about middle names anymore. She needs to talk to him about it.

"Beckett?" Her head snaps up from the list she's created and her eyes meet with her boss's. "I called for you twice."

"Sorry, just...sorry."

"I was just calling in my lunch - thought I'd see if you were hungry." It's a nice thought and she's about to decline but she is hungry and her stomach is growling.

"Uh, yeah."

"It's the Italian bistro around the block, want anything?" Her mouth is watering at just the thought of creamy sauce and divine noodles. And the bread.

"Chicken Ravioli with the Marsala sauce." She hears her repeat it over the phone. "Oh, and maybe some of the breadsticks."

Her cheeks flush but she's hungry and Gates asked. It's not like she's just throwing it out there uninvited. Her boss doesn't seem to mind. In fact she's smiling when she finishes the order and hangs up.

"Little one hungry?"

"Starved. At least he thinks he is." Cub kicks in response, almost as if he knows he's being talked about and Kate pushes against him gently. She wonders just how strong he'll get, if he'll end up being one of those babies she's read about - the ones that have actually done damage to their mothers. She really hopes not.

"I'm on my way out now, shouldn't be more than an hour."

"Thank you." She's thinking about it too much now. The chicken and the sauce and the taste. She's hungrier than she thought. "The boys are bringing in Marshall, looks like we have an airtight case. A confession will just be icing on the cake."

"Good work."

"Not sure I can take much credit."

"You still do your part. That's better than putting yourself and your child at risk." It's a solid point that she can't argue with so she doesn't even try. Just gives Gates a small smile. It's enough.

She's officially back to bored the second her Captain is out of sight. She pushes up from her chair, walks around to the murder board and goes over the facts again just to be sure. Just to refresh and make sure everything is there and they've got this. She's crossing her arms, resting them against her stomach when she hears the commotion.

Someone yelling - a man - cursing and she finds herself walking toward the noise. The boys are back, just stepping off the elevator with a very uncooperative Marshall in cuffs, kicking at them the whole time. She's pretty positive he's their man. But it's the sight of her writer that makes her heart twist.

He's holding his nose, blood is splattered on his shirt and she's rushing for him, stopping when she's close enough to see that he's okay and he's angry. He's really angry.

"What happened?"

"Bastard hit me." It comes out in a whiny tone that makes her choke back a laugh. He shouldn't plug his nose and talk at the same time. "I think it's broken."

She pushes him towards the break room, walks behind him every step of the way until they're inside and he's slumping against the counter. She reaches for his hand, pulls it away to look at what they're dealing with. It's already bruising, turning his nose a sickening reddish purple that spreads out under his left eye.

The bleeding seems to have stopped, or maybe she just can't tell because there's already blood everywhere. She steps away, gets a rag from a drawer and wets it. He's watching every move she makes and even when she reaches up to gently wash his face, he's still just staring. She might like it, a little bit.

Her free hand moves to his cheek, her thumb brushing along the bruise that's forming under his eye. Maybe it's strange but all she can think about is how many times she pictured decking him those first several cases they worked together. She moves on to his nose, presses against the bridge.

"Ow!" He grabs her wrist, holds it away from his face.

"It's not broken." It's just going to look pretty nasty for a few days. This time she doesn't hold it in. She sets the rag down, and finds herself chuckling.

"You think it's funny?"

"No. I don't but I just keep thinking about how many times I wanted to hit you during that first case we worked." And that - to her - is funny. His mouth drops open, as if he's not really sure if she just said that and she can't help it, she giggles because he looks adorable. Bruising and all.

She'll break the rules this time, pull him closer until their stomachs are touching, lightly touch his face and lift up on her toes until she's giving him a soft kiss. She doesn't care that everyone knows, she still keeps their private life private but he's hurt and despite the fact that she's a little amused, it could've been worse. She knows that. What if it'd been a knife or a gun instead of fist? So she lets them both take comfort in a brief meeting of their mouths.

"I want to take you somewhere tonight." She knows he doesn't have any clue what she's talking about but it still makes her dizzy to think about it. He doesn't press, doesn't ask but she can see that he's dying to. "I think you should come with me to visit my Mom."

* * *

It takes her only three minutes to exit the car, only a split second to grab his hand and tug him along. She takes the same path every time she visits. Passes multiple headstones until she gets to the one she came to see but it's so different this time. Because he's with her and she's pregnant. She's having a life instead of chasing a ghost.

He's a sweetheart, insisted on bringing a rose. Said he wouldn't meet her mother without having something to offer. Sometimes his soul amazes her. Her steps slow, come to a halt in front of the cold marble stone with her mother's name etched into the front. He squeezes her hand, let's her know without words that he's here.

She stands still, one hand in his and one on their son as she stares. She feels the heat from his body as he shuffles closer but she's choking on grief in this moment. Even after all this time, everything that's happened, she misses her mom. She misses the woman who raised her, was always there for her.

"Do you talk or..." He trails off quietly, and she knows he's just trying not to overstep some invisible line.

"I usually just stand here, but I've never brought anyone here before." She's doing okay, keeping the moisture in her eyes from spilling over but then he leans forward to place the rose on top of the stone, running his fingers over it and she feels a tear slide down her cheek.

"I think she'd be proud of you. More than." She swallows, takes in his words as he lets go of her hand to wrap his arm around her waist. It used to make her so angry when someone would say that but she's not. She's just sad because she'll never hear those words from her mother.

"I miss her."

"There's no shame in that." Why does he have to be so understanding? It breaks her, makes her lean into him, press her face against his shoulder. He doesn't say anything, let's her cry softly and just runs his hands over her back.

"I still want my Mom." She sounds like a child and she knows it but she does. She wants to see the look on her mother's face when she's holding her grandson for the first time - she wants that but she'll never have it. And if it's even remotely possible, she hates Bracken even more because of it.

She folds into him, wraps her arms around him and let's Castle be her anchor. Lets him be the one to calm her down. It's hard to share this but she's glad she did. She's glad he's here with her.

Her nose touches his neck, rubs against his skin. Her silent 'thank you'. He holds her just a little tighter, careful not to crush their growing child between them. She's okay. She's okay and alive because he's the one looking after her. He's the one who stepped into her life and mixed things up. Made it fun again.

She eases back because there's no way she's hiding her face from him right now. Not when she's about to do this. She can't stop it, doesn't want to. She gives him a small watery smile when he raises a hand to wipe her cheeks. His fingers are gentle, soft against her and she traps them with her own.

"I love you." It's a whisper but she knows he hears it, because his eyes widen just a bit and he's searching her face. She tries it again, her tone coming out stronger than before. "I love you, Castle."

"Kate, I really want to kiss you right now but not in front of your mother." She finds herself laughing. No one has ever made a joke before and its a cemetery. It shouldn't be funny but it's Castle and he's so loving that she knows he's not trying to insult her. She thinks it's adorable. Bruised face and all.

"Then let's go home, writer boy."

**a/n: Random question: Would you like another story from me? I'm working on something but it's definitely AU and almost a rewrite of their entire relationship from season 1. I'm falling in love with it but I'm not sure I want to post it. How many would be willing to give it a go - just raise your hand and I'll see you. ;)**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: Not today.  
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**A/N: I'm sorry I've kinda been missing a few days. Lots of stuff going on. Everyone in the house is sick and it's hard to find time to write while dealing with a sick 3 year old and a man with the mind of a 3 year old. But the nephew is down for a nap and my Dad is too so I'm eating dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets and typing up a chapter real quick just for you guys. :) Hopefully I'll be able to fit in a workout too. Maybe.  
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**Once again, thank you all. Tried to reply to every review. There were over 50 so if I accidentally missed you, I'M SORRY!  
**

Each week that goes by, Kate finds herself worrying more and more that something might happen and each appointment they've been to, her doctor keeps reassuring her that everything is fine. The baby is healthy and so is she. It makes her feel a little stupid for being so scared but she can't knock it. It's in the back of her mind. She wonders if Castle feels like this too. Is he nervous and fearful for their child's safety? She's only twenty-four weeks, how worried and nervous is she going to get before Cub is born?

Something makes a popping noise, like someone snapping their fingers. Oh. Right. She's supposed to be paying attention but she heard the word 'baby' and her mind just drifted off.

"Earth to Kate, have you heard a word I just said?"

"Sorry, Lanie." She makes no excuse to her friend, the apology is sincere enough. She grabs a fry from the plate in front of her and nibbles on it. She's the one who planned this lunch with Lanie and she isn't even interacting - she's a terrible date today.

"I asked if I could do the honors of planning this little boy's baby shower and then you just spaced out."

"I'm just in a weird mood today. Castle was up all night writing - this morning when I woke up, he was on the phone with his publisher and I'm kinda worried that he's going to leave on a tour or something. He has the new Nikki Heat coming out in September." She isn't even aware of how much she really worries about it until it's out in the open. "And I keep thinking of things that can go wrong with Cub - his development, the birth, everything and it's just...overwhelming."

"Okay. One: There's no way Castle is going anywhere while you're pregnant so take a breath and calm down." She inhales, but it doesn't help much. "Two: Unless your doctor is worried, you don't need to be but it's perfectly normal, Kate. You worrying, that's parenting and you already love this little boy so much that you're trying to prepare yourself for anything that could possibly go wrong."

She drops the half eaten fry, lets her fingers brush over her rounded stomach. She does love him - so much - and she's never even seen him. Not really. Ultrasounds don't count. At least not when she's really thinking about it. She's never seen his eyes, the color of his skin, if he has hair or if he's going to be bald and she's so very in love with him.

"My doctor says everything is fine. He's healthy - she says there's nothing wrong. He's developing the way he should, his heart sounds great and he's active."

"Then it sounds like you should enjoy this. Enjoy being pregnant and maybe tell that man of yours that he's not allowed to run off willy-nilly if you're actually scared that he might." She is. It's something she's never thought much of before. Before she was pregnant, it would have been fine - yes, she'd miss him but now, it isn't okay. Yes, she'll deal if it turns out that he does leave, but she doesn't want him to miss out on anything involving their baby. "So about this baby shower..."

"Lanie, I don't even know if I want to have one." Her friend's face is priceless - the look of complete shock at the statement. As if, not having one isn't even an option in Lanie's brain. "We have everything we need for him."

"Well maybe the rest of us still want to get him something and eat cake. We'll just call it dinner and invite the boys too." Despite herself, Kate's smiling and rolling her eyes. She reaches for her chicken and lifts it to take a bite. "I'm sure Martha and Alexis are already planning something anyway."

She pauses mid chew - she hadn't thought of that. Oh goodness. She loves them both but Castle's family is known for going a little over the top. She needs to talk to them but for now she's going to finish her lunch with her best friend and enjoy the feel of Cub tumbling.

* * *

He's trying to be nonchalant about it but he's not doing a very good job at all - she's trying not to smirk. He's a detective for crying out loud and he can't even hide the fact that he's staring.

"Can I help you, Espo?" He actually acts like he doesn't know why she's asking. "You've been staring - not very discreetly - for about fifteen minutes."

She watches him, sees the moment he gives up the battle and just smiles sheepishly at being caught. If Castle were here with her, she probably wouldn't have called him out on it - probably wouldn't have noticed. She tends to focus a little too much on the father of her child. But he's out with Ryan.

"I was just wondering..."

"Just spit it out Javi."

"Did you guys decide on a name for the littlest detective yet?" She's stopped trying to tell him that her son is not the 'littlest detective' because it's pointless. Ryan and Espo both seem to think Cub is the mascot of the twelfth or something.

"We've narrowed it down to a few possibles but I think we're waiting to officially name him until we see him." She wants the name to fit, wants it to be perfect for their little boy. He'll be stuck with it his entire life and she just wants it to be a good, strong, solid name that she hopes he'll like when he's old enough to understand.

"So what are the possible names for my nephew?" She smiles, thinks about not sharing and leaving him to suffer but she can't. Because he just called her son his nephew. He's right. For all intents and purposes, he'll be an uncle. He's already like a brother to her.

"Jayden, Landon, Weston and Wyatt."

"Those are all great names, I'm surprised Castle didn't suggest something ridiculous."

"He did. A few times but I don't think he was serious." She knows he wasn't. There's no way he actually considered naming their baby Little Bear. No way.

She watches, catches the way Esposito's eyes glance down. It's hard not to stare - she knows. Her expanding waistline is drawing more and more attention these days. Even with her desk hiding most of it. As if Cub knows he's being looked at, he kicks, just above her navel. She pokes him back, her prodding fingers pressing as he does it again. This is how she plays with him.

Last night she spent an hour in bed, shirt raised to expose her stomach and she just waited for him to tumble, elbow, kick against her. The second Castle joined and rested his head against the bump - talked to it, Cub decided to show off.

But now his dad isn't around and he's decided to move around in his little home. She loves it. Wants to share and she can't resist. It doesn't seem too weird to her so she looks at the man across the room and opens her mouth.

"Wanna feel him kick?" His eyes widen and he starts to shake his head. "Oh come on."

"Uh, isn't that a little..." She knows what he's trying to say but she doesn't care. Its a little weird but then so is a random old lady in the grocery store putting her hand over Cub. If she has to choose - she picks Espo. And she knows he wants to, despite being freaked out by the thought, he's still standing and making his way over to her. Yeah, he wants to feel it.

He stops at the corner of her desk - next to Castle's chair. She reaches forward and grabs his hand.

"Just get over here." He stumbles, flinches when she puts his hand against her abdomen. She almost wishes she could take a picture of how uncomfortable he looks. "He's kicking right about here."

He relaxes a little and she lets go of his wrist to gently prod her child into moving. It works, she knows when he feels the push of the baby's kick against his hand, his eyes light up and all awkwardness he's feeling melts away.

"Doesn't that hurt?"

"Not really. Just feels strange. I figure the bigger he gets, the more uncomfortable it'll be." She's in the middle of forming her next words when another voice interrupts.

"Should I be worried?" She turns to face the new arrival and almost laughs when Esposito pulls his hand back as if he's been burned. She just smiles warmly at the sight of Castle and Ryan. She's ready to go home for the day.

"Yes. I'm leaving you for Espo, we're running away together." Sarcasm is dripping from every word. The man is a goof. "Sorry, Castle."

"Not funny." She thinks it is. In fact he seems to be the only one who doesn't find it amusing. "And to think, I brought you this nice delicious apple - all because you've been craving one. Maybe I'll just eat it myself."

"You brought me an apple? Red delicious?" She shouldn't sound nearly as thrilled as she does, but it isn't her fault. She has been craving apples.

"I did and yes, your favorite." Maybe she'll keep him. Okay, yes she's keeping him. It's never even been a question in her mind. He's here for the long haul. He pats her stomach as he hands her the apple, strokes his thumb over her navel. "How's our Cub?"

"He's good. He was just kicking Uncle Javi when you interrupted." She glances at the clock again. Thirty more minutes and she can pack up and go home. She turns her attention back to the three men surrounding her - nods at Ryan. "He's still moving, wanna feel?"

The man glances at Castle - as if asking permission and she almost scoffs. Really guys? Men and their caveman ways. It's her body and she's pretty sure she knows if it's okay for someone to touch it. Her writer seems to be thinking along the same lines because he's looking at her, begging her with his big blue eyes to give him an out.

"Guys, come on, it's a stomach with a baby in it. I promise it's not radioactive - although it is Castle's kid so I guess anything is possible." He smiles warmly - not even phased by the fact that she's teasing and it seems to work because Ryan reaches out, touches just as Cub kicks and jerks his hand back.

"Whoa, that's pretty amazing."

"Yeah. You should feel it from my end." If only men could get pregnant. She takes a bite out of her apple, revels in the flavor that bursts on her tongue. Perfection in such a simple craving.

"Well, I'm kinda in Castle's shoes on this one. Jenny's pregnant." Castle slaps him on the back and she says her congratulations while trying to chew. She watches Esposito hug his partner and then shake his head. He's the only one left and Kate is in a rather fun teasing mood.

"Hey, Espo, better watch out. You're next." The way his jaw drops is priceless.

* * *

She's almost asleep with her book resting on her belly but his fingers press that spot - the one she has no clue existed as a moan slips out and she can't stop herself from shifting down closer to him. He's rubbing, stroking, pushing and she's melting into the couch. He drags his thumb along the arch of her foot and she just can't. It feels so good.

"How's this?" He squeezes his fingers around the ball of her foot - massages gently and she sighs.

"Perfect." She didn't ask for him to do this. She just put her feet in his lap because he sat down at the opposite end while she was reading. It's not something she's going to complain about though. A foot massage is nothing to ever complain about. She bites her lip, wonders if he's working up to the part where he tells something she doesn't want to hear.

"You okay, Kate?" He punctuates his question with a well placed circular motion of his thumb right below her toes.

"I heard you this morning. You were on the phone when I woke up."

"Paula called, filled me in on a few book signings that are happening soon." Her heart sinks and she pulls her feet away, sits up to look at him. His brow is furrowed, the line of worry showing prominently. She moves her book to the coffee table and tries to figure out what she wants to say. "What's wrong?"

"Are you leaving?"

"What?" She doesn't understand why he looks like she just kicked his puppy but he does and it stabs at her, picks at her emotions until she's not sure she wants to have this conversation.

"On a book tour?"

"No." And then it clicks, she sees it all piece together in his brain and he's pushing closer, leaning over her legs and pressing his hands against her hips. "Kate, no, where did you get that idea?"

"I - I just thought with the meetings lately and them calling and September..." She isn't making much sense. In fact, now that she thinks about it - it seems so dumb. She jumped to conclusions without finding all of the facts.

"The meetings were over cover art and promotion tactics. I wouldn't go anywhere right now - not without you." She lets her hand stroke against his cheek as he presses his forehead into hers, holding himself up - away from Cub. "I'm not missing anything - this is our first child."

"You say that like you expect us to have more."

"Maybe I do." She doesn't expect it. She was just teasing but he's serious and it steals the air from her lungs. "You're absolutely stunning pregnant. Maybe I'm biased because it's my son but I've never seen anyone as beautiful as you are right now."

"I'm not sure how I feel about that." He pulls back and she gives him a small smile. Let's him know that it's okay. "I'm just pointing out that I'm not always going to be pregnant. Are you saying I'm not as attractive when I'm not pregnant? It's the boobs isn't it?"

"Yes - uh no! No, that's not what - I'm digging a hole."

"Yes." She loves when he stumbles, can't find the words. She feels powerful when she's the cause of a famous author being unable to form a coherent sentence.

"You're an awful tease. Your father was definitely right." She tenses, grows serious beneath him and skims her foot along the length of his.

"My dad?"

"The day you told him that you're pregnant and he demanded to talk to me, he asked if you take as much pleasure in scaring me as you did when you were a child scaring him." She can't help but smirk. It's too fun to keep the men she loves on their toes. "And you do, I can see it. Oh and he also asked if I was going to be here, with you, with our child. Everyday. I'm going to be here every single day."

"Five years and I haven't managed to get rid of you yet."

"Admit it, you don't want to."

"I'll do you one better, I love having you around. Even on the days you're annoying and I really just want to throw something at your face. Like yesterday, you were pretty awful." She twists his ear playfully, smooths her thumb over it before he can even squeak out a protest.

"You were just in a bad mood." She arches a brow, begging him to continue but he wisely shuts his mouth. Presses his lips against hers instead. "Let's get to back to more important things, how about I finish your foot massage and then we'll start putting away all the baby stuff we've bought?"

"Sounds really great to me."

**a/n: Because I love that Jenny is pregnant on the show. Also it's CASTLE DAY! Which name do you like the best? I already know which one they're naming Cub but I still want to see which one you would choose.  
**

**Another note: I wrote all of this except for these few sentences before the terrible explosions in Boston. But I will say that Boston and all the people involved are in my thoughts. In fact, it's all I've been thinking about now and watching the video of the explosions - it literally gave me chills and I cried.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I need a vacation. This means no.  
**

**A/N: There's something super exciting about checking my email and it being flooded every time I update this story. You guys are the best EVER!  
**

There's a breeze in the room - the white curtains blowing in the wind and Kate smiles as she takes in her surroundings. It's perfect. The walls are just how she imagined them. The emerald and mint mixing to create a wonderland of color. It was Alexis' idea to do the polka dots and she honestly wasn't a fan of the idea but it works. It's adorable and it's only on one wall so she can live with it. It's not like she could've stopped them when she was out all day with her dad.

The nursery became a father/daughter project for Castle and Alexis while she had a father/daughter date of her own. She left instructions - but ultimately she left it up to them. She trusts them both. As she should because it's perfect. Well it's almost perfect - right now it's an empty room with nothing but paint on the walls and curtains over the window.

She touches one of the emerald polka dots, runs her fingers around it. She wants the crib here - on this wall. It needs to be, she just feels it. Or maybe it's just because Cub chooses that exact moment to move. It feels like he's somersaulting.

"Easy there, Cub." She talks to him more now. Knows he likes the sound of her voice - it always seems to soothe him and now is no different. He calms, still moves but it's not as intense. Doesn't feel like he's trying to shove all of her insides out of the way. "It's getting a little cramped in there, huh?"

"Do you have any idea how sexy it is when you talk to our baby?" She turns towards the voice, catches him standing in the doorway - his hands on a rocking chair. She could tease him about being a creeper but she doesn't because he's clearly struggling with a piece of furniture.

"Just as sexy as when you read him bedtime stories."

"You read to him too." She does. It's become a nightly ritual of theirs and some nights they take turns reading. She bites her lip when he tries to push the chair into the room and it catches on the frame. He's got it twisted at an odd angle - there's no way it's going to work. Yet, he tries again. Groans as he realizes it's stuck.

"Want some help there, stud?"

"No. I've got this." She stifles a laugh. Of course he does. That's why he's struggling with an old wooden rocking chair - because he's got this.

"Castle, I'm pregnant, not an invalid. I can help you."

"It's heavy."

"I won't lift it." She ignores his protest and walks over to him. Only the chair is in their way. It does take some maneuvering on her part to help but she manages just fine. She pushes against the arm rest until it slides back and hits him in the gut. The air leaves his lungs on a pain filled sigh and she cringes. She really didn't mean to do that. "Sorry."

"Warn a guy."

"You should be good now, try it again." He does, he lifts it higher and steps over the threshold with no problems. It slides in easily, no getting stuck.

And it's beautiful. The cherry really does work with the mint base color of the walls. She can't wait to see all of it put together. She can't wait till their son is in her arms and they walk through this door. Twelve more weeks, give or take a few days. She's getting more and more scared as the days go by. It's a scary thought - to know that you're responsible for raising a human being. She doesn't even want to think about the giving birth part but she does. She thinks about it all the time.

"Here, sit. I'll go get the rest." She'd offer to help with those as well but they're all still in boxes. So she listens, she sits in the rocking chair in the middle of her son's nursery as her partner steps out in the hallway for a brief moment.

He brings in the crib first, dragging it through the door. He doesn't ask where she wants it and she's about to open her mouth and tell him but there's no need. He puts the box of pieces along the polka dot wall. Exactly where it's supposed to go. This is why they work. They know each other.

Next in is the changing table and then the small shelf for books and toys. All but the shelf need to be put together and Castle seems to think they - and by 'they' she knows he means just him - can do it all in one evening. She isn't going to tell him otherwise. She'll let him do this. If he wants to spend almost an entire night setting up their son's bedroom, then who is she to argue?

"How was the day with your Dad?"

"It was great. He's really excited about this baby - just kept going on and on about taking him to baseball games once he's old enough and to the cabin for fishing." She knows he's listening intently despite the fact that he's pulling apart the box holding the pieces of the crib. He never ignores her when it's important and she really has no quarrel with the fact that he's on his knees, back facing her and when he reaches for something, she gets a rather nice view of his ass.

But then he turns, shifts around so he can occasionally look up at her and she almost frowns until she see's him smile. Okay, maybe this is better.

"Why do I have a feeling that Jim is going to spoil our Cub?"

"Because he is and so is Alexis, Martha, Lanie and the boys. This baby is loved." He nods, knowing she's right, and starts putting putting together the sides of the crib. Part of her wants to ask him if he's sure that's how it goes but she chooses not to. He's done this before. "And don't even pretend like you're not going to be the one doing most of the spoiling."

"Me? Please! Cub already has you wrapped around his tiny little finger." It's true. She's never even touched those little hands and she's already completely tangled up.

"Funny, I think that makes two of us."

"Maybe we should just agree that everyone is going to be spoiling him." She smiles and shakes her head. Yeah, that's what she thought. He can't deny it and she wouldn't want him to. She wants him to openly admit that he's so in love with son already. "So while we're setting up his room - I think we should talk about names. You're twenty-eight weeks now."

As if she doesn't know exactly how long she's been carrying their child. She rolls her eyes and pats her belly. He's kicking. He always seems to move the most he hears his daddy talking.

"We could name him Alexander." It's out of her mouth before she thinks about it and the parts Castle is holding fall back to the floor with a thump.

"That's not...we didn't circle that one." She can't help herself, she laughs at him.

"No but it's your middle name - well your given one. Although maybe that's a little too close to Alexis."

"It is. I love the thought Kate but I think family dinners would get confusing. Especially if we called him Alex." He has a point. "Any other names you want to throw out for consideration?"

"Not at the moment. You?" His hands pause, she admits she's been watching his fingers for the last few minutes. The way he holds the crib, the way he twists his wrist to tighten the bolts. But now he has her attention because he sighs, leaves the crib and pushes up from the floor.

She waits, gives him the time he needs to gather his thoughts even though she's curious as to what he's about to say. He kneels in front of her, his hands resting on her thighs. She lets hers move to rest over them - wrap around until they're holding on to each other.

"I really don't want to hurt your feelings, Kate, but there's only two I love and I think we need to choose one that has a meaning." She isn't going to lie, the thought of him not liking the name that she's already in love with does hurt her feelings a little but there's a chance it's one of them.

"Which two?"

"Let me explain first, I know you're aware that I never knew who my father was when I was a kid." She nods - it's never been a secret. "And that I have an overactive imagination..."

"Understatement." He playfully glares and she smiles back. "It's one of the things I love about you."

"Mm, I'll remember that - but as I was saying - I had an overactive imagination and a lack of a father."

"This sounds like the start of a bad novel."

"Stop interrupting." She presses her lips together. "I didn't have many friends until I was older but there was this teenager who worked with Mother sometimes - backstage work. He didn't care that I was this little scrawny geeky little kid. He treated me like an adult, played with me like he was a child. He was my first real friend, I really looked up to him and that's why I circled his name. The fact that it's made it into the top four on our list, Kate, that means a lot to me."

"What was his name?" She just wants to know because he looks so sincere and open and honest. She wants it to be her favorite. Wants them to be on the same page - just like they are with the position of the furniture in this room.

"I'll tell you the two that I love and we'll go from there. I don't want you to name our son something just because it reminds me of someone. I want his name to be one that we both love and one that fits him. Weston and Landon are my favorites." She cups his cheek, rubs her thumb over the stubble. Amazing, surprising, lovable man.

"Mine too but Rick, I changed my mind on the middle name. Ryan and Espo are just gonna have to deal with being uncles because I think I want his middle name to be Montgomery. It sounds nice with both Weston and Landon and I know it's kind of a weird middle name but I want to do this." She isn't nervous but she's biting her lip, because...okay...yeah, she's a little nervous. She's been wanting to talk to him about this for awhile. If he hates it, she knows it'll sting.

But the way he smiles is enough to have her grinning back.

"I think we just named Cub."

"Well we have two options."

"But one of those is going to be his name - as soon as we see his face." He's right. It sends a rush through her, floods her system with an overwhelming sense of relief and amazement. "Now how 'bout we get this room set up?"

"You won't let me help."

"I don't want you down in the floor - it's uncomfortable and besides, you make a great supervisor." If he wasn't so cute, she might be offended but he is and she isn't. She lets him get back to work, keeps him company as he puts everything together.

* * *

She's ready for bed, already wearing one of his shirts that she only buttons to cover her chest. It doesn't button over Cub anymore - and that's fine with both of them. He slips in beside her, still muttering about the furniture.

"I don't remember it being that hard."

"Maybe you should've read the directions...you know, like I told you to." He huffs, clearly not impressed by the fact that she's having a little fun at his expense. "Oh come on, Castle, it's not a big deal. You figured it out and the room looks great. It's everything I imagined and more."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She's telling the truth, wouldn't lie about this. He's done so much, he goes above and beyond anything she ever expects of him. "So I've been thinking..."

"Uh oh. If this is about the fact that I ate the Oreo's, I am truly sorry and I'll buy more." She laughs, remembers the way she'd been wanting cookies last night only to find that someone had already finished them off.

"No, it's not about the cookies. I've been reading all the pros and cons on epidurals and I don't think I want one - I might change my mind but for now, I don't want one."

"Kate, I told you - all of this is your decision."

"No, it's not. It shouldn't be. I mean, yes it's my body and I know what I can handle but Castle this is your child too and it affects him just as it does me. I want to talk about this with you." She knows she can do it. She can. If she survived a bullet to the chest, she can have a baby but she still wants to keep the options open and she wants him to be part of all of it.

"Okay, then I'll admit I hate the thought of you being in any kind of pain for any reason at all but I know if you don't want any type of pain medication then you're strong enough to handle it. That's my thoughts on it." He settles against her side, his finger dipping into her belly button, circling all around. She giggles when he hits a ticklish spot.

"What are you doing?"

"Just kind of wondering if and when your belly button is going to poke out."

"I'm sure you'll be the first to know when it does." He's crazy and weird. She hasn't even been thinking about it. It seems irrelevant to everything else racing through her brain. He doesn't even act worried.

She rolls on her side, faces him because she wants to be as close as possible when she asks. He knows something is coming - it's in the light caress he gives the swell of her hip, the way their playful conversation drifts away and serious eyes meet hers. He always knows exactly what she's feeling.

"Are you scared?" Apparently out of everything he's expecting to come out of her mouth, those whispered words aren't it. His brow furrows, lips set in a thin line as his thumb brushes over the ink in her skin. "I just...I'm scared. I think about everything that could go wrong, things that could hurt him, and I'm just afraid of all of it. You seem so strong, like you're just excited and happy and not really worried about anything."

"Then I must be doing a good job at hiding it." She swallows roughly, lets her nose nudge against his. "I think about all those things too. So yes, I worry and I'm scared. Not just for Cub but for you too."

She's never once thought of herself. Never even considered the fact that she is the one carrying the baby - that things could turn out bad for her too. Clearly he's thought this through.

"But Kate, I also trust our doctor and if she says everything is fine then it is and _if _something happens - I don't even like thinking about this - but if something happens, she's one of the best. Everything will be fine. Our son will be fine and you will be fine." She believes him. Believes_ in_ him.

"In twelve weeks or less, we're going to be parents. I mean, you're already a parent but I've never...none of my friends have babies and I've never held a newborn. Seen one, touched one, yes but never held a baby that's fresh and new. Babies that are a few weeks old - yeah, I've done that. I'm good with them but I've never been responsible for one. What if I hurt him?"

"You sound exactly like me, before Alexis was born. I was a wreck - I just _knew _I would break her." She laughs quietly. It's ridiculous, you can't _break _a baby. They don't shatter like glass at the smallest touch. "But when they put her in my arms, it was like I knew what I was doing. I wasn't going to hurt her because I just knew. It's something you can't explain but trust me, Kate, you won't hurt him."

"What if I'm holding him and I hit his head against something?"

"Okay, this is going to sound awful, but I've done that. Alexis was about eight months old and I went to get a bottle out of the cabinet for her. She was a squirmy little thing and I was trying to balance her and reach at the same time, I don't know how it happened but her head hit the corner of the cabinet door. I cried way more than she did. For a week and a half, I was convinced I was a terrible father." She shouldn't be smiling but she is. He's such a good dad that she can't believe he'd ever think he was anything but.

It makes her feel a little better - knowing that things won't always be perfect but it's okay.

"I just don't want anything or anyone to ever hurt him. I know that's an unrealistic way to be. He's going to feel pain, it's part of life but I don't like it."

"I still feel that way about Alexis - when she was kidnapped, I just had to get her back. And I know I've said it before but I'll say it again, I'm sorry I just left without telling you but I had to save her. I didn't keep her safe, as a father that's my job and I failed." They rarely talk about this but she's never worried. Okay, that's a lie she's worried plenty but not since he went with Alexis to her therapy session a couple months ago.

"No, you didn't. You brought her home - you risked your life to save her, Castle. You're her hero - mine too." He tenses, she can feel it beneath her palms that rest on his chest.

"I always thought your mother would be your hero - or should I say heroine? I like hero better."

"She is. I don't remember there being a rule about only having one." He relaxes, practically melts into her - pushing until they're chest to chest with Cub pressing into him. She feels the baby stretch, feels his limbs push out against her and she wonders if Castle can feel it against his stomach.

"Feels like someone is awake." Apparently he can.

"He always starts his exercises when I'm ready to sleep." Her bladder protests when the pressure hits it and she practically groans. It seems to be his favorite thing to push on. She brushes her bare leg against his, pushes at his shin with her toes. "You have to let me go."

"Something wrong?"

"No, but your kid is dancing on my bladder."

"Why is he suddenly 'my' kid?" She gives him a look as she gets up from the bed, a raised eyebrow that clearly shows her disbelief in his confusion. It's rather obvious, really.

"Because he's being a nuisance and clearly, he doesn't get it from my side of the family." She's teasing, she doesn't actually think their baby is anything other than amazing. She cherishes every move he makes, even the uncomfortable ones. Like when he decides to be up in her ribs.

The heartburn though - yeah she could live without that but it's something she'll endure if it means getting to hold a little mix of her and Castle in her arms.

**a/n: Yeah, I decided it was time to put the nursery together. Alexis is back in the next chapter.  
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	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Blah.  
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**A/N: I have a massive cold. Not a happy camper but here's something that will hopefully cheer all of you up. :) I also think I'm going to post the first chapter of my new story pretty soon. I'm just trying to make sure it's everything I want it to be because I know people are going to be confused and ask lots of questions.  
**

**Going for a walk with the nephew - will reply to reviews when I get home.**

**Anyway, enjoy this new installment and Cub's adorableness.  
**

It's dark out by the time all the guests leave - well most of them. Alexis still lingers on the other side of the couch and that's fine with Kate. She's been acting off all evening and she's hoping now that everyone is gone, the girl will open up. If she has to, she'll break the ice because her partner clearly isn't paying attention to anything other than the bouncy seat Jenny and Ryan got for them.

"I'll admit, this baby shower thing wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be." It really wasn't. Lanie hadn't let Alexis or Martha go too over the top and it was mainly just balloons and a cake. She can live with that.

"Be glad it wasn't all up to Gram."

"Hey now, missy, I heard that." They share a smile, ignore Martha's protests from the kitchen. Kate reaches over, touches Alexis' jean clad knee.

"You've been quiet." It's a very lackluster way to bring it up but Kate knows that sometimes that's the best approach. It works, the red-head looks sheepish all of a sudden. "Something on your mind? It's okay if you don't want to talk about it."

"No, it's just that...I was embarrassed. Everyone brought gifts and I -"

"Oh, no, Alexis, I told you not to get anything. We have everything we need and you've already bought him several outfits." She actually told everyone not to worry about gifts but of course they didn't listen. So now, Castle's playing with a rainforest themed bouncy seat that lights up and sings and surrounded by various pieces of baby clothing. She's pretty sure he's more in love with it than their son will be.

"But I did bring something, I just didn't want everyone to see it." She doesn't quite understand so she stays quiet as his daughter leans over the edge of the couch, pulls her overnight bag up into her lap. It takes Alexis a moment, she puts her hand inside and takes a deep breath.

It must be important. Why else would she be this nervous about it? Kate gently nudges her, coaxes her into sharing. The first thing she notices is that it's blue and white. The second is that it has floppy legs. Finally it's revealed as Alexis shyly hands it over. It's the cutest thing she's ever seen - by far. A white hippo with blue around its feet and ears. It isn't something you buy, she knows by the fact that it's made out of yarn. She gives it a squeeze, runs her fingers over the snout.

"Alexis did you make this?" It's beautiful, soft in her hands. At the girl's nod, she gives her a bright smile. "This is-"

"I know you said not to buy anything so I thought I could make something instead. I had to teach myself to crochet first, and it was pretty difficult - he didn't turn out quite like I'd hoped." Kate doesn't see a thing wrong with the plush hippo. It's probably the most thoughtful gift she's received. "One of the legs is crooked."

"Trust me, he's perfect." She turns to her partner, shows him the adorable little face. He abandons the stuff in the floor just as she feels her emotions get the best of her. She swallows the lump in her throat, reaches for Castle's daughter and pulls her into a hug. This girl never ceases to amaze her. "Thank you, Alexis."

Cub protests the position she's in - the way she's twisted to the side - he's stretching wildly and straight up into her ribs. She chokes out a groan of discomfort which seems to startle his older sister into pulling away.

"Did I hurt you?"

"No, Cub's just running out of room and kicked a little too hard." A hand comes to rest over her thirty-two week belly and she looks up to see her writer there. He's just staring at them with a warm smile on his face, almost as if he's still dumbstruck by their relationship. She pats his hand, let's him take the hippo from her grasp. "Isn't it adorable?"

"Alexis this is amazing. How long did it take?"

"Not really sure. I didn't work on it consistently, just when I had extra time."

"You did a great job, Pumpkin." Kate loves seeing him with his daughter. The way he leans down to kiss his first child's forehead now reminds her of how he kisses her round stomach every night. She'll miss it but she knows the sight of him holding their baby boy is going to be so much better. And she really wants to be able to see her feet again.

"Thanks Dad." He points to the bag she's holding, asks a question Kate's curious about too.

"Are you staying?" Alexis tenses, muscles going taut at the question and panic rises in her eyes. Kate sees it all too clearly but Castle...he's a little easier to fool and his daughter knows just what to say and do.

"No, I'm going to a friends house for the weekend." Bingo. Works like a charm. Castle nods, squeezes her shoulder and stalks off to the kitchen with the hippo firmly in hand. The next thing she hears is Martha cooing over it. She's not Castle. She's not as quick to believe everything that comes out of Alexis' mouth and she was the same age once. She knows exactly what's going on.

"Lex?" It's a nickname she's never used and it catches both of them a little off guard. She quiets for a moment, tries to decide if she has any right to do this, she probably shouldn't. But she's pregnant and hormonal and yes, she's going to use that as an excuse even though she's fairly certain she'd be doing the same thing regardless of the baby growing inside of her. "Be careful, okay?"

Pale cheeks flush red and she knows in that instant that she's right. She isn't going to tell, she won't break that trust and she needs Alexis to know that. She lets their conversation drift into whisper territory, Alexis instigating it by dropping her voice to a hushed barely able to hear tone.

"It's not...I...it's not for _that_. We're not serious yet." There's the proof, it's as good as a confession. "Please don't tell Dad, he'll just worry and I'm old enough to make my own decisions."

"I won't."

"I'm going to tell him but not until I figure things out."

"You don't have to justify yourself to me, okay? I was your age once upon a time." She's smiling, remembering that she wasn't as responsible or level headed as Alexis but then she lets it fall. Not until her mother was murdered. That's when everything changed. "I won't say anything - it's not my place."

"Thanks, Kate."

* * *

She can't sleep. She can't get comfortable. If she rolls to her side, she feels like Cub is pressing her ribs and it makes it difficult to breathe. Her back is aching and she's tossing so much that she's kicked the blankets off. Not that she minds, it's too damn hot with them anyway. She loves her son and being pregnant is one of the most miraculous things she's ever experienced but she really just wants to sleep.

She's almost angry at her bed partner. Almost but she isn't because it's not Castle's fault that he's out like a light and she's unable to stay in one position long enough to do anything other than glare at him. He'll never know. It's not like he's anywhere near consciousness. She envies him. In this very moment, she definitely envies him.

It's not fair. He's practically snoring and she's dealing with their baby's acrobatic training. She stays on her left side, faces her sleeping partner and yeah, she's definitely glaring at him. It's pointless but it makes her feel a little better. After a few more seconds, she realizes that no matter how hard or long she stares, he isn't going to wake up. Her eyes drift down, watch as her stomach moves with their child. It's still weird to see. Amazing in its own way.

Her hand strokes over him, presses gently when he sticks his butt up. She can't help but smile. He already takes after his father. Next he'll be stealing - _borrowing_ - police horses. It's almost three o'clock in the morning and she's whispering in the darkened bedroom, pleading with her unborn child.

"C'mon Cub, it's time to sleep." He twists, jerks and her stomach jumps with him. Two seconds and it happens again. And again. Great. Of course he gets the hiccups in the middle of the night. She almost wakes Castle because she's bored and tired but she doesn't. She lets him sleep.

She can't just lie here, she's too restless. If she's not sleeping then she wants to be doing something. She pushes up from the mattress into a sitting position, looks around the room and sighs. It's dark but she can still make out the bassinet they've already set up in the corner. She knows the hippo Alexis made is already in it, snuggled against a soft green and yellow blanket. One she bought before they found out that Cub's a boy.

Her ring catches in the sheet and she finds herself twisting it with her thumb. She remembers explaining to Lanie that it's not an engagement ring - yet. She's hoping that maybe soon they'll venture down that path. Nobody really understands. The boys, Lanie, even Martha - no one really gets it. She knows they all secretly think he's asked and she's said yes. Even her father. Alexis seems to be the only one who doesn't really ask.

She needs to get up. There's plenty she could be doing instead of just sitting here, thinking about things. Like cooking - she could be cooking. She is kind of hungry. Her feet hit the floor - it takes her a little longer than it used to but she manages to get out of bed without much fuss. Castle doesn't even bat an eye, just sighs and snuggles deeper into his pillow. She wants to hit him but she won't because he doesn't know.

With a tug of her shirt tail, she covers her stomach and stalks out of the room. It's cooler in the living room and kitchen, she notices. Her yoga pants don't feel as constrictive and hot and she's pretty sure her shirt stops clinging in uncomfortable places. Maybe she's just imagining it.

The fridge calls to her and who is she to ignore its call. She flicks the light on - blinks a few times against the harsh light before she opens the fridge. She wants something. She knows exactly what and she's a little ashamed and embarrassed to be doing this but it _is_ Castle's kid. That's what she tells herself when she grabs the eggs. She uses her foot to kick the door shut - her mind already set on finding other ingredients.

She's in the process of beating the eggs - bowl resting against her stomach - when she catches sight of a shadow. Her chest tightens, she doesn't want to explain herself. Maybe he won't ask.

"Can't sleep either, darling?" Oh. It's not him. She's breathes out a sigh of relief - she can handle Martha.

"Couldn't get comfortable and I think I'm hungry."

"Won't be long and you won't have a small human being compressing all of your organs and wreaking havoc on your insides." She smiles as Martha comes to sit on a bar stool. Always the dramatic one, his mother, but she loves it. "But he is his father's son which means he'll just wreak havoc on the outside."

"C'mon, Castle couldn't have been that bad."

"No. He was a sweet boy but he's always had a way of finding trouble." Kate's interest is piqued, the bowl in her hands forgotten momentarily. "When he was two, he wouldn't listen - I told him a thousand times not to stick his fingers in this sliding door we had. Of course he didn't pay any attention to me and he stuck his hand between the two panels of glass just as I opened it. He just started screaming his little head off when it caught his fingers."

"Well it won't be all Castle's fault. I was quite a character as a child too - pretty sure our baby is just destined to be a handful."

"I, for one, can't wait." Kate sets the bowl on the counter, opens her mouth to reply but she's interrupted. Cut off before the sound ever escapes.

"Neither can I." She catches sight of him then. Stumbling out of his room and heading straight for them. He joins, quirks a sleepy brow at her ingredients. She swallows, shrugs her shoulders as if she doesn't care what he thinks.

"Did I wake you? I thought you were still out when I got up."

"Bed got cold." It's the only explanation he offers but she knows what it's code for. He reached for her, tried to snuggle up - maybe spoon in behind - and she wasn't there. She doesn't say anything as she steps around the counter to stand next to her. His hand rests against the ache in her spine and she almost breathes a sigh of physical relief. The warmth eases the pain, relaxes her just a little bit. "Cub hungry?"

There it is. The hint of teasing that she's been waiting for.

"Yes." She's not giving him the satisfaction of admitting anything more than that but she knows he's already feeling it, can see it in the way he smiles at her, feel it in the way his hand slides up and down her back.

"Don't be rude, Richard, help her out." She wants to tell Martha that he doesn't have to - that she's more than capable but he's already grabbing the bowl of uncooked scrambled egg. "Now that you have more suitable company, I believe I shall retire. Let you two be alone and all that jazz."

"Oh no, stay. Eat with us." She ignores the look she gets from the writer at her protest.

"As tempting as it is, I'm not daft, Katherine. I know when my son wants to be alone with you." Her cheeks redden, she ducks her head and bites her lip to try and hide it.

"Goodnight Mother."

"Night Martha." She waits until they're actually alone, until she hears the soft click of a door closing upstairs and then she's turning to face him.

"It's three in the morning, Kate, why are you up?"

"Because our son is getting too big and he has the hiccups." He laughs, thinking it's funny but she's not kidding. And she's lets him know with a sharp look. "Seriously, next time, you get to be pregnant. It's amazing and all but right now there's about four pounds of baby in there moving and stretching around as if he's got all the room in the world. I can't breathe, my back hurts, I can't sleep, and I just want him to be here. Out of me - but not until he's bigger. See, it doesn't even make any sense. I want him here, in my arms but I want him to stay put, grow until he's ready."

"Hon, you're rambling and it's adorable but if you want me to make you this smorelet, you're gonna have to move." She doesn't know what to say, just moves to the side to let him have access to the skillets and the chocolate.

"Don't 'Hon' me. And I can make it myself."

"I know you can but you're tired, cranky, and your back hurts. It's our little boy in there, making Mommy stay awake so let me do this, Kate." She sighs, leans against the counter as he takes over, pours the yellow concoction into the hot skillet. She likes the sound of the sizzle - it's relaxing. "By the way, its not possible for me to be the pregnant one next time. And yes, I caught that and the fact that you're thinking of more kids."

"It was hypothetical."

"Sure it was."

"I'm serious. This," She points to her stomach "is our only kid."

"You say that now..."

"I'm sure I'll say it again in the delivery room."

"Of that, I have no doubt but you won't mean it. Just like you don't really mean it now. If our son ends up being our only then yes, you'll be more than fine with that and so will I but you also know that you secretly want to make hundreds of babies with me." She shakes her head, laughs softly as he adds the chocolate. It smells delicious and sickening all at the same time.

"Hundreds? Now I know you're delusional."

"Okay, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration." She steps up behind him, lets Cub press into his back as she leans into him. She rocks up on her toes, whispers her reply into his ear.

"You think?" She doesn't fit against him anymore. It's awkward to stand like this, half bent and trying to reach his neck. She gives up, grabs his arm to make him turn because she wants to thank him for doing this. For putting up with her when she's being a bear and saying nothing about the fact that she's up trying to recreate a ridiculous breakfast. He knows, leans down to accept her kiss. Just a soft brush of their lips - she won't distract him when he's cooking. "Thanks for not making fun."

"I figure it isn't wise to poke fun at a pregnant woman's cravings."

"Smart man." She steals another kiss before she lets him finish up her breakfast. She grabs a plate from the cabinet and holds it out for him to transfer the omelet oozing chocolate. It just looks gross. Completely disgusting and she almost changes her mind but her stomach growls and she feels her son hiccup again.

She gets two forks out and heads back to the bedroom. She knows Castle will follow. Her back is just resting against the headboard, plate on her belly when he shuffles in with a couple glasses of milk. He's always thoughtful. It's one of the many things she loves. She waits until he's sitting next to her before she offers him a fork.

There's no way she's going to eat all of it by herself. He takes it, presses a kiss to her cheek as she lifts a mouthful up to her lips. Ready or not. She's a little surprised by the flavor. It's not what she expects. Another hiccup shakes her stomach and the plate almost falls. Castle catches it, moves it over to his abdomen. Wise choice since there's no baby in his.

"What does that feel like? When he hiccups, when he moves?"

"I - I don't know. I can't explain it. It's unbelievable. You would have to know what it feels like to have this little person inside of you to understand." He hiccups again, gives her ribs an uncomfortable push with his foot...or maybe it's his knee. She doesn't know. "But right now, it doesn't feel so great to be honest."

"You know I hate that, right? I love seeing you pregnant and I love watching our son grow but I don't like the fact that you're uncomfortable."

"You're a sweet man."

"Maybe you should remember that...just in case you forget when you're in labor." She laughs, takes another bite of her three in the morning snack. "Just to instill the fact, I'll even give you a back massage when we're done eating."

"Castle, I'm not going to hate you and swear we're never having sex again. I might be in pain and I might get snappy but it's not going to change the fact that we created this little guy together. He's ours and he's worth every bit of it."

"You say that now." He's teasing and she can't help but tease back.

"Besides, if I decided to suddenly hate you, I'd have to move out and your closet is much too nice."

**a/n: Posted pics of what the hippo looks like on my twitter. Because I actually make them and sell them.  
**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I'm not Marlowe guys.  
**

**A/N: All I can say about this chapter: Enjoy. And it's long. Oopsies.  
**

She's exhausted, that's the only reason she's managed to sleep a wink at all. With the pressure against her pelvis and the consistent tightening of her stomach, she's surprised she managed more than thirty minutes. But she did because a glance at the clock tells her it's almost five and she's pretty sure she fell asleep some time around one.

She ignores the pain in her back, rolls to face the man snoring softly in her ear. The blankets are bunched at the bottom of the bed and she almost reaches for them to cover him up. Just because she feels like the loft is an oven doesn't mean he feels the same. She doesn't move though, if he's cold, he'll reach for them. He's just as worn out as she is. She'll give him props for being father of the century. Every time she gets up, paces the floor, it isn't even ten minutes and he's right there with her. It gets on her nerves a little because she's fine and she's more than capable of walking by herself but at the same time, it's really sweet that he cares enough to stay up with her.

A sharp influx of pressure pushes against her from the inside and she bites her lip, stifles a groan. She doesn't want to admit it but that actually really _hurt_. Thirty-four and a half weeks and she's not sure her body will ever be the same. She's the size of a house - at least she thinks she is. According to Castle, she's beautiful and sexy but she doesn't feel like it. She feels like there's an alien trying to rip apart her insides. Especially right now. She tenses, braces herself because she feels it coming - the flash of brief pain, the way her belly contracts with it.

Except this time it isn't brief and she can't help but let a quiet moan spill out. It echoes in the silence and she knows it's going to wake her writer. She's breathing out, stroking over her swollen stomach, when she feels his hand on her cheek. When did she close her eyes? She doesn't know but it's his touch that brings her back - makes her open them again.

"You okay?"

"If this is what Braxton Hicks feel like, I'm not so sure I want Cub to come out. He can just stay in there." She's lying. She wants her son but the thought of giving birth still freaks her out a little. She knows it's normal, something a woman's body is made for but it doesn't make the idea any more appealing.

"You're having contractions? Do we need to go to the hospital? Wait, did we pack bags yet?" She gives him a smile, lets her hand rest over his ear, fingers brushing the shell of it. She loves this man. "It's too soon. We're not..."

"Castle, shush. The doctor said this is normal, remember? Just my body practicing." Except when another wave courses through her and she curls her toes, she's not so sure this is normal anymore. They're close together and too often but maybe it's just her imagination. No. Definitely not her imagination.

"Ow, ow, Kate, you're squeezing." She doesn't know what he's talking about until her fingers unclench. Oh. His ear. She opens her mouth, ready to apologize but her eyes widen instead. She knows she's scaring him because he's suddenly caressing her hip, rubbing circles over it and she knows he'll notice in a few seconds.

He'll see what she just felt. The rubber band snap that just took place inside of her - she's not ready for this. She isn't...oh. His eyes have already locked on and she feels her cheeks flare red in embarrassment because this is just gross.

"Castle...I think my water just broke." He's staring, not paying attention to the words coming out of her mouth and she wants to hit him. She's already red faced and this doesn't make it better. He's staring at her crotch for crying out loud and she knows it looks like she just wet herself. There's no way her gray cotton shorts hide that. "Castle!"

"Did...is that..." He's panicking, she can see it in his eyes - in the way he scoots away from her. She sits up, feels another rush and she really wants to crawl in a hole. This is not how she's imagined this. "Oh god, we gotta go. We gotta go to the hospital."

"Can you just get me some pants?" She can't handle him panicking. He's supposed to be calm. He's done this before - he's already had a baby. She hasn't. She should be the one that gets to panic and she is. On the inside but on the outside, she's calmly forcing herself out of the bed and heading for the bathroom.

He brings her a pair of black yoga pants just as she's toweling off. She catches the fear in his eyes, knows it's reflected in her own.

"Everything will be okay, Kate." She nods. Half believing him and half dismissing him. But he doesn't leave. He just stands there, as if he isn't sure what to do. His hands are twitching, pent up excitement and panic racing through him. She just wants to be alone for a minute.

"The bags, Castle. Maybe you could sit them by the door."

"Right, yes, bags. I can do that." He stumbles out, almost smacks into the door frame and she finds herself smiling. He's a dork. She hurries, takes a brief moment to collect her thoughts. Cub isn't moving - he's been still almost all night. It scares her.

"What are you doing, Cub? It's not time yet." Her words won't stop the situation, she knows that but it makes her feel better - brings her back to the present. She changes clothes, feels a little better after despite the sensation of being a water balloon with a leak.

Castle is pacing by the door when she makes her way into the living room. His hand is in the process of rubbing down his face and she feels her heart clench. She steps up behind him, reaches for him. He turns and meets her halfway, accepts her hands on his shoulders with a warm kiss to her cheek. She rubs her nose against him, gives him a light push and puts on her brave face.

"I'm ready."

* * *

She's strapped in a bed, monitors over her stomach and an IV stuck in her arm. She doesn't really understand anything her doctor has said. Not really. She hears but she doesn't comprehend. All she wants to know is if her son is okay. That's all. She doesn't care about statistics and the fact that if she isn't dilating or in active labor then they can postpone this.

But she is in labor and she is dilated and she vaguely hears her doctor say it's just safer for everyone to let it progress. She heard her say it. Heard the words leave her lips. She's in labor. Oh. That's what those contractions were all about. She's not stupid. She already knows this. She's the one who is still feeling them but she just wants to know if Cub is okay. That's all.

It's been over an hour and with the pain growing more intense, she just needs to know that her baby is healthy so she can stop fighting it. This is supposed to be a happy affair. She's supposed to be excited and anxious to hear her baby's first cries - not terrified. At least that's what she's thought this whole time. Maybe this is normal too.

"Your blood pressure is a bit high, we'll be monitoring that off and on." She doesn't care. Well, she does if it can hurt Cub but she just wants to open her mouth, demand to know what exactly is happening. It doesn't work. Her lips stayed closed. She squeezes Castle's hand because he's the only constant right now...and because she feels a contraction coming on.

"What about our son, is he okay?" She wants to kiss him as soon as he asks. Instead, she brushes her thumb over his knuckles and sucks in a sharp breath.

"The ultrasound looked good. His lungs are fully developed - he's in position to get this show on the road." Humor. Great. Just what she doesn't need. But it does make her feel a little better. "And it looks like we'll be having a baby today. You're almost at a five. Fully effaced."

Kate pushes her toes into the mattress, slides her legs down until they're no longer bent. She's having a baby. She's actually having a baby and just as the thought solidifies, becomes a tangible thing, she lets her head fall back into the pillow and closes her eyes. It feels like her son is trying to escape in any way possible. Her body is definitely feeling that - the contraction peaks and she bites her lip hard.

"Those contractions are getting stronger - if you want an epidural, now would be the time." She blinks, looks up at her doctor and tries to form some sort of a response. All of this is happening too fast.

"Uh...no. No, I don't think I want one."

"Okay, call the nurse if you need anything and relax Kate. You're not the first woman to have a baby earlier than expected. Everything looks great. He's not showing any signs of being in duress. If something happens, we'll deal with it but until then, let's just be excited. You're going to meet your son today." She does relax, just a little, but it's enough to bring a small smile to her face.

She turns to Castle as soon as they're alone and reaches for him, both hands grabbing until she's pulling at the collar of his shirt. She tugs him down, slants her mouth over his. Desperate, needy, scared. He calms her, takes control and softens it. He pulls away first, but pushes another kiss into her lips, soft, brief, full of comfort.

"Did you call everyone?"

"Mass text. I'm sure they'll be here soon." She sniffs a little, because her emotions might have got the best of her for a moment. She watches him, sees the moment something breaks in him and a smile spreads - makes his those crinkles form in the corners of his eyes. "Cub's impatient it seems. Reminds me of someone."

"It's not really nice to talk about your mother in such a way, Castle." She'll play his little game.

"Not my mother - Cub's mother." She rolls her eyes, rests a hand next to the monitor keeping track of the baby's heart rate. "How's the pain?"

"Uncomfortable, maybe a seven on a scale of one to ten."

"Do you need anything? Maybe some ice...anything?"

"Don't smother me. If I want something, I'll ask." He gets quiet, stays that way and she isn't sure how much time passes. She's no longer thinking in minutes or hours but contractions. How they grow in intensity.

At one point a nurse comes in, tells her she needs to turn on her left side and she almost snaps at her. Tells her exactly what she thinks of that idea but she doesn't. She just sucks it up, deals with it. She's too restless. Her foot is twitching, it shakes when she has a contraction and she buries her face in the pillow.

She can feel someone stroking her hair, knows it's probably Castle but her body is in the middle of torturing her and she doesn't want to be touched. She growls, pushes his hand away.

"Kate, a nurse is here, she just asked you if you need anything."

"No. Just don't...don't touch me right now." She hates that she's saying it because she knows without opening her eyes that he's hurt by the words. He's trying to help her and she's actually shoving him away. She's scared and she's in pain and she wants to just fast forward through all of this.

The pressure lessens - doesn't fully dissipate - and she slowly lets her eyes open. She's actually stunned by what she sees. He doesn't look hurt, he's understanding and even smirking a little. Okay, now she's just miffed. What the hell. She's just lying here in pain, in labor with his first son and he's smirking?

"I'm going to go update everyone while the nurse is in here." She nods, not sure she can trust her words when he's looking at her like that. He touches her wrist, and she admits that it feels nice - soothing. "Told you, you wouldn't like me anymore."

She almost smiles. Almost because it's not funny.

"Just go, Castle." She regrets it as soon as he's out of the room. She doesn't want to be alone. It doesn't matter that there's a woman in here with her. She doesn't recognize her and she wants her writer back.

"I'm Ashley, there was a shift change at seven - I'll be your nurse until this little guy is born. I've been in twice but you weren't up for talking."

"It's after seven?"

"It's almost nine." She frowns, doesn't really believe it's been almost three hours since they arrived. Maybe because she's spent most of it with her eyes clenched and her lip firmly between her teeth. On one hand it feels like she's been here forever, and on the other it feels like she just checked in not even ten minutes ago. "I'm just going to check you, see how we're progressing."

She nods. Doesn't say anything much - she's not really a fan of this but she scoots down in the bed and draws her knees up. She wants Castle back. She doesn't care that he's annoying and doesn't listen and that she's tempted to make him sleep on the couch because this just _hurts_ - she wants him back in here.

The nurse is gone by the time he comes back, she hears the door open and breathes a sigh of relief. He wasn't here when a rather forceful contraction hit and she won't lie, there were tears.

"What the hell took you so long, I thought -" That's when she sees the teenager trailing in after him. She softens as Alexis gives her a timid smile.

"She wanted to see you."

"Hey, Lex." It's the nickname that slips once again and she doesn't even try to correct herself. "Looks like you'll be getting that little brother sooner than we thought."

"But he's okay, right?"

"Yeah, so far so good." She's trying. Really trying but she just can't. She breaks, chokes on the air she's trying to hold in and grips the rail on the bed until her knuckles turn white. She doesn't want anyone seeing her like this - that's why she's been making them sit in the waiting room. "Castle,"

He's at her side in an instant before she finishes whispering his name and she tries not to look at Alexis. She really loves her but she really doesn't want to look like this in front of her. She isn't Kate right now. She's in severe pain and she can't hide it. She whimpers when his hand rests over her hair, but she doesn't tell him to stop this time.

"Just breathe." He demonstrates by taking a deep breath and she shakes her head at him, fixes him with a glare.

"I know how to breathe, Castle!" Her words are clenched because yes, she knows how to breathe but she isn't. She's holding it in right now and she knows it isn't helping.

"Dad, maybe you should just sit quietly while she...that looks really painful." The fact that his daughter is switching topics helps. It makes her breathe out, unclench the rail that her fingers have become attached to. She's pretty sure Cub has resorted to trying to claw his way out because it feels like he's ripping her apart.

"Eight. At an eight now." She doesn't know how she manages to even speak but it's out and he's stroking over her forehead. She wonders if it's a sweaty as she feels. "Not good...company right now."

She bites out the last word, mutters a soft 'ow' under her breath even though she really just wants to yell it. She takes back everything she's ever said or thought about child birth.

"It's okay, I really just came to wish you luck and to give you this. You left it next to the bed - Dad asked me to stop and get it." She watches as Alexis extends her hand - notices for the first time that there's something in it. The flash of silver catches her eye and she knows what it is. Her vision blurs and she reaches for the chain - her mother's ring. She hands it to Castle, doesn't ask because he just knows. He knows and he slowly drapes it around her neck, fastens it.

"Thank you." Alexis nods, leans over to kiss her on the cheek and Kate's just about to hug her when her entire body tenses.

* * *

An hour. A full hour of her body being pushed to it's limits, ripped in half - she stands by the description - and finally there's a scream. October fourth and her baby is joining the world at one fifty-seven in the afternoon. An hour of pushing and it doesn't seem real. It can't be. But it is because she hears him. A beautiful sound amongst the cheers of the doctor and nurses and she doesn't hear anything besides that cry. The wail that she knows is from her son. He's a mess of wet slippery limbs when they place him on her chest and she's crying. She knows there are tears sliding down her cheeks but she can't help it. She watches Castle cut the cord, sees that he's shaking and then her eyes are on the tiny human squirming against her.

He's wrinkled and red and she's never been more in love. Her arms wrap around him, fingers stroking against the chubby cheek that's against her breast. Just a moment and then he's gone. He's pulled away and she just wants him back. She wants him. Castle is cupping her jaw, asking her something but she doesn't hear it. Her eyes follow the nurse who has hold of her baby. She wants her baby.

It's when lips press to her face, against her temple, beneath her eye, that she looks up at him. She knows she's a mess. She feels like a gross heap of sweat, bodily fluids, and blood but she smiles because he's crying too. She raises a hand, wipes one away as it slips down his face.

"You okay, Kate?"

"Yeah...just want him." He's still screaming and she takes it as a good sign. She doesn't blame him, they're poking him and prodding. She knows how that feels. They're currently still doing it to her too.

She's numb to everything, just watches tiny arms flail and listens to Castle whispering sweet praises into her ear. She loves him. Both of them. So much. She vaguely hears her doctor say something about not needing stitches and she knows she nods but she doesn't really grasp what she's just agreed to.

She breathes an audible sigh of relief when the nurse brings him back over, a tiny bundle of blankets and a cap covering his head. She reaches, doesn't even wait for them to put him in her arms. She takes over, brings him down to her chest. He quiets, his wails turning into huffed whimpers and she smiles.

"He's okay?" It's a whisper and she doesn't even know if they'll hear her but apparently someone does because she gets an answer.

"He's small. Five pounds even, seventeen inches long. We'll keep an eye on him but yes, he seems to be perfectly healthy. His lungs and his heart sound great."

"Hey Cub..." Her lip trembles - he's okay. He's really okay and she's actually a mom. Oh wow. She's holding her baby. "Castle, he's -"

"Perfect. He's perfect, Kate." She agrees and isn't surprised at all when Castle's hand covers their son's head. He leans down, places his lips on their baby's tiny forehead and her heart bursts. Explodes into millions of pieces. This has to be that lightning strike. The ah-ha moment because she's filled to the brim with a love that she's never felt before.

She steals a kiss, drags her mouth across his as he's pulling back and whispers an apology into him. She's sure she said some things she didn't mean. In fact, she remembers telling the nurse not to listen to anything he said because he gets paid to exaggerate and then proceeded to inform everyone that he stole a police horse while nude. So yeah, she's a bit sorry about that.

He shakes it off. Took it like a champ.

"I take back what I said, Castle. About being able to do this without meds." He frowns but she's already letting her eyes drift back to the tiny little boy they created.

"Kate, you did do it without anything."

"I know but I thought it'd be easier. Remember, I said that I survived a bullet to the heart and this couldn't be that bad. I was wrong." She knows he remembers - it was less than a week ago that she told him that. "But he was worth it."

She strokes her thumb over his round cheek. He's so soft and warm. His eyes open - a dark blue that she really hopes becomes his father's shade - and she just stares at him, lets him stare back. He yawns, brings his fist up to his mouth and she reaches, tugs gently on his hand until it's wrapping securely around her finger.

"He has your nose, Kate." She thinks it's ridiculous. He has a nose, yes, but it's little and she doesn't think it looks anything like hers.

"Want to hold your son?" He looks at her like she's crazy for even having to ask and she'll admit it is a rather dumb question but she wanted to show him that it's okay if he takes him. That he's not cutting into her time with him. She really just wants to watch and when he takes him, gently cradles him in his arms, she's rewarded. The way his eyes light up, the way he rocks him. It's perfect.

"He's smaller than Alexis. She was over seven pounds - and I thought she was tiny." She feels the bed shift, realizes that her doctor is putting it back together.

"You're sure he's okay?" He's so small and she just needs to be reassured.

"Kate, you did good and yes, for now, he's perfectly fine. We'll monitor him, keep checking that his temperature holds and that he manages to breathe on his own. You guys have a name?"

They answer at the same moment, the same word and she really hopes they're on the same page.

"Yes."

* * *

It's not that she doesn't want to share him with their family because she does. She wants everyone to meet the newest member but she's also reluctant. For the last thirty minutes, it's just been the three of them. Minus some nurses sporadically checking in and giving him his first bath. And now there's a group of people shuffling into the room and now she has to deal with talking and passing him around and really she's just tired.

She still smiles at them, hates that she hasn't managed to shower yet because she feels disgusting and this isn't exactly how she wants to be seen by her father, her friends. At least Castle braided her hair first.

Alexis is the first at her side, followed closely by the rest of the gang and she knows Lanie is taking a picture but she doesn't even care. Because she's already taken about thirty - of course none of them have her in them. This one will and she doesn't mind. She's even planning to ask for a copy.

Kate already knows who gets the honor of holding Cub, and she watches, reads Alexis' face as she holds him out toward her.

"You ready to hold your brother?" The smile on her face says it all, she takes him with cautious hands and cradles him into her chest.

"Oh my goodness. He's so small."

"Five pounds. Felt like a lot more." She ignores the groans from the boys. They can suck it up. She's tired and she just pushed something the size of a small watermelon out of her body. They can hush.

"Did you and Dad finally decide on a name?" She gives a nod, lets her eyes follow the finger that Alexis slides down Cub's nose. She didn't expect it to feel quite like this. Having him. Being with everyone that loves him so much already. It feels like home. Family. She's getting teary again.

"Well, don't keep us waiting." She laughs, gives Lanie a playful glare before Castle takes over. Introduces their son for the very first time.

"We'd like to proudly -" She nudges him with her elbow. He's a writer and the suspense is already killing them. She can see it in their faces. Ryan is practically bouncing out of his skin.

"Don't draw it out Castle, just get to it."

"You take the fun out of everything but alright." He grumbles and she smiles brightly at her father. He's lingering in the back and she really wants him to be proud of her. "Everybody, we'd like you to meet Weston Montgomery Castle."

"Wes, we're calling him Wes for short." She has to throw it out there, beckons for her dad to come closer but he shakes his head. She's almost hurt by it but then Lanie is taking Wes and the woman's cooing draws Kate's attention.

"He's beautiful Kate."

"Thanks Lanie." Castle is rubbing her back, soothing circles that make everything seem like a dream. She's gotta be dreaming. There's no way this is actually happening because it's too much. Her face is starting to hurt from smiling too much and she can't help but smile even bigger when Lanie tries to pass the baby to Espo. He shakes his head, tries to get out of it.

"C'mon Javi, hold him."

"He's too little. I'll hurt him."

"Take him, Espo. I want you to hold him." Kate realizes the words are true as soon as she says them. She wants them all to hold him, show him how loved he is.

The look on his face is one of conflict but as soon as he raises his arms and let's Lanie position the baby, Kate sees a whole different side to him. He softens, shoulders relaxing and eyes turning to pure warmth. He gives her a smile, almost as if he's proud that he's actually doing it and she holds Castle's hand a little tighter.

"Okay, I gotta admit, he's a snuggly little thing. I think he likes me."

"Did you just use the word 'snuggly'?" Ryan's teasing and she can't help it - this gets to her. This is what she's wanted. A family for her child and she has the greatest one out there.

"Don't be jealous because he likes me more than he likes you."

"I haven't even got to hold him yet - maybe he likes me more." She rolls her eyes, watches as Ryan tries to reach for Cub only to have Espo turn the other way. Great. They're fighting. Over her son.

"Guys." They stop, both turning to face her and she raises an eyebrow. "If I have to climb out of this bed..."

She leaves it open ended, knows they'll fill in the blanks. Her son is definitely going to end up spoiled.

"Okay, Beckett, I gotta ask, where did you put this little guy?" She chuckles, gives the man a disbelieving look as he steps up next to the bed - close enough she could take her son back if she wanted. She doesn't.

"You saw me Javi, I was the size of a house."

"Whatever, and I'm being serious. You can't even tell you were pregnant." She knows he's lying but it still feels good. She'll take it. She won't even bring up the fact that her stomach is soft, slightly swollen. "You look amazing, chica."

"You're a liar but I'll take it." He leans in, kisses her on the cheek and she just shakes her head. Her best friend definitely managed to score a smooth talker.

She lets everyone have a turn, listens as they coo over how adorable he is. How he has so much lovely dark hair beneath his little cap. She knows. She's already stroked her fingers through it. More than once. It's unbelievably soft. Just like his skin. Soft and new. They don't stay long. Alexis and Martha are some of the last to leave but it's the man that lingers that she really wants to talk to anyway.

She waits until the door closes and then she's pushing herself up, cradling her son against her chest, his face pressing into her neck. She just wants to share this. She perches on the edge of the bed, silently thanks Castle for holding her gown closed. She plans on putting on pants after she showers.

"Daddy?" She hasn't called him that in a long time - she doesn't remember the last time she actually said it - but it gets his attention. She lets her toes touch the floor, it's cool beneath the socks she's wearing and she almost stands but then he's there, pushing softly at her shoulder.

"Rest, Katie." His eyes lock on the baby and she knows it'll only take a second. Okay she's wrong, it's less than a second and he's reaching for him. His hands are shaking and she's smiling softly. Now she understands. He wants it to be just them. To be something intimate and she gets it. She does because she wants this too. Her dad meeting his grandson.

She lets him take him, watches as he shushes the infant when he frets at the position change. Castle's behind her, pressing into her and she leans back into him. Lets his chin rest on her shoulder. He must've climbed in the bed - she doesn't mind. Her fingers raise to her neck, dance over the chain resting there - the one holding her mother's ring.

"Oh Katie, he's beautiful." She wants to say something but the words are stuck in her throat. "I remember when they put you in my arms for the first time. You were this squalling red faced little thing and I just knew you'd be a handful."

"Dad,"

"But you're the best thing I've ever done and I'm so proud of you sweetheart." She swallows roughly, tries to rid herself of the lump in her throat. It doesn't work. She's a mess. "This looks good on you - having a family."

"I like it too." She sinks further into the man holding her, let's him wrap his arm around her waist. He's gentle and loving and she's never giving that up. Ever. "How long was mom in labor with me?"

"Fifteen hours."

"Okay, suddenly, I'm really glad for the nine hours." She offers him a smile but he's hasn't looked up once since he settled Wes into his arms.

"Wes, you said?"

"Yeah." She loves the way it sounds on her tongue. Likes how it fits with his nose and those lips. The adorable ears that she knows look just like Castle's. It all makes sense. She never thought she'd actually be able to look at him and just _know_ but that's exactly how it happened.

"Hey there, Wes, I'm your grandpa." And her heart shatters with love all over again.

**a/n: Okay, here's the thing: I didn't want to go into gory details of child birth. So I chose to gloss over it. But hopefully, you guys don't mind and won't slam me for it. And yes. I've been through labor. As the person giving birth and as a bystander. It was actually tough for me to write this chapter because my baby never made it home. So if any of it seems rushed...that's probably why.  
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**Also, this isn't the end.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: Pssh, not even in my dreams.  
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**A/N: You guys are the best. This story has almost 600 reviews, more than 600 follows and over 200 favorites. I can't thank any of you enough. Just know that it's pretty damn awesome.  
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**I also feel like I need to thank you guys for other things. A lot of you left reviews, saying how sorry you are for my loss and that's something I'm usually not comfortable with - which is why I didn't reply to some of them. It's not that I don't appreciate it because I really do, I just never really know what to say in return. But I don't want any of you to think that you said something wrong or that I just didn't want to reply to you. I'm just socially awkward.**

It still hasn't set in. The fact that she's doing this. That a tiny face is nuzzled into her bare chest. She's sitting with her pajama clad legs stretched alongside Castle's. At some point during this early morning feeding he sat up to join their little family and she's perfectly fine sharing this with him. He says nothing, just strokes his fingers over the tuft of silky dark hair that covers their son's head. She lets her eyes drift up from Wes, to the man who helped create him. She scoots into him, trying not to jostle the nursing infant too much.

She settles against his side, lets him wrap an arm around her shoulders and for a brief second, she presses her lips to his jaw. It's not her fault that Wes makes a gurgling noise and steals her attention once again. He's just too beautiful. The gentle sweep of his nose, the way he scrunches his face every few minutes between suckling. This is what she's been waiting for. Just them in their bedroom with their son. And then she hears the low timbre of his voice and it's suddenly even better.

"I'm glad we're home." She nods, agreeing in silence. "I can't even complain that this little guy woke me up because he's too cute and now you're practically topless. It's a win-win."

She stifles a laugh, strokes her thumb over Cub's cheek. He's still Cub. She will probably forever think of him as her little bear cub and that's okay because he's her baby boy.

"Because there's nothing sexier than a four in the morning feeding after giving birth two days ago, right?" She feels his lips against her temple, his breath heating her skin.

"Well, there are several things that could be considered _sexier _but they still always involve you." He's been overly sappy the last few days but she's been letting it slide. "I thought seeing you pregnant with him was amazing but this, Kate, seeing you hold him and love him so honestly, openly -"

She shuts him up with a kiss, soft and warm. She knows. She knows exactly what he means because it's how she feels every single time he even looks at Wes. Just the thought of her cuddly baby brings her eyes back down to him. He's leaning back in the crook of her elbow, his tiny lips parted and eyes closed. He already sleeps like his father.

"Is it normal to be like this - to want to hold him all the time?"

"Yes. Without a doubt." It's all she wants but she knows he's too little and she's exhausted. They all need to get back to sleep and there's no way she can manage that if she's staring down at Wes.

With a sigh, she places him in the bassinet next to her side of the bed. She watches him for a few moments after tugging her shirt and bra back down into place. Everything has to be so-so or she'll be fussing over him. She's already fussing. Adjusting his blanket around him and making sure the hippo is sitting upright by his feet. She loves his little feet and the way he pulls back when she runs a finger along the sole. The tiny toes that he always curls under.

He scrunches his body, makes a face - the one where his lip trembles and those adorable lines form on his forehead. She soothes him with a kiss above his ear, her hand on his back, and a whisper of sweet nothings. He quiets, stills beneath his blanket and Kate reluctantly returns to Castle's side.

She sinks down into the mattress, scrubs a hand down her face. She's tired. She's not a stranger to lack of sleep - being a cop - but this is a bone deep exhaustion. She hasn't slept more than an hour or so at a time in days. It's her nerves. She's still so nervous and scared that something is going to happen to their baby.

"You okay?"

"M'yeah. Tired. Sore. Mainly sore." The room grows dark as he turns off the lamp and Kate lets out a heavy sigh. Her eyes flutter before she even manages to roll on her side. She's just too tired.

"Come here," he doesn't give her time to even wiggle before his hand is on her hip, rolling her into his chest and she goes willingly. No fight, no fuss at all. His lips press into her forehead and stay, just rest there against her skin. She can feel his words. "Sleep, Kate."

"Mm, not yet." He's rubbing her hip, stroking upwards until he's bunching the fabric of her shirt and dancing his fingers over her ribs.

"You're exhausted. You haven't slept much."

"I'm fine."

"You lie awake to watch Wes sleep." She can't deny it. Won't even try because it's true. She keeps her eyes open, watches as his miniature chest rises and falls when she should be resting. The first noise he makes and she's out of bed, hovering over him or pulling him into her arms. "Just rest for a few hours. I'll take care of him."

"What if he gets hungry?" It's the last bit of ammo she has and she knows he'll shoot it down but she's honestly hoping he does. She wants to be able to relax and give in, to sleep for more than an hour here and there.

"I'll wake you or he'll cry and in that case, he will wake you." His hand is already stroking her body into a state of lethargy, it won't be long until she's dozing. She can't argue. "He's not going to disappear."

"I know." She does. Technically. But it still linger in the back of her mind. Something could happen. Or this is all a dream and he doesn't really exist. She's never been this full, this happy, and it feels so fragile. One pin prick and the illusion would burst.

"Want me to read you a bedtime story?" His tease is rewarded with a sleepy smile. It's tempting, and she almost says yes but she wouldn't make it through the first sentence and she knows that. His thumb brushes just below her breast and she's turning her face into his, pushing her mouth sloppily against his jaw before settling back into the pillow with her nose pressing into his neck.

"Maybe tomorrow." It's the last thing she says before she succumbs. The last thing she feels is his legs tangling around hers and a low rumble from his chest. She's pretty sure it's a laugh at her expense but she doesn't manage to do anything other than grip his back before she's fully submerged. Body relaxed and mind humming.

* * *

It's light out, bright and beautiful when she struggles to open her eyes. The harsh vibrant colors make her slam them shut, press the heels of her hands against her sockets before she tries it again. She squints at the clock, hums when she notices it's almost nine in the morning. She sinks back into the pillow, lets her body relax for a brief second before she feels the reality set in.

She reaches out, smacks an empty bed - he said he'd wake her! He isn't there and she looks over to the equally as empty bassinet. She's aching but she pushes herself off the mattress, ignores her protesting body. She runs her hands over her face, pushes her hair out of the way. She knows it's sticking up but she doesn't care.

She makes a stop in the bathroom to relieve her screaming bladder and wash up. Face, hands, and teeth clean, she feels better. More human as she steps into his office. She's poised to yell at him, tell him he's an idiot because she knows that Wes has to be hungry but her frustration melts, seeps away into nothing, when she catches sight of her boys.

Castle's at his desk - sort of - he's using it to prop his feet up, his body stretched and head tossed back on his chair. He's out, dead to the world and so is the baby he's holding protectively against his chest. Their son is snuggled into his father's neck and she can't be mad because it's the sweetest thing she's ever seen.

She almost talks herself out of waking them but she needs to feed Wes. He has to be getting hungry, it's been too many hours and she really is _trying _to be upset with Castle. But he's drooling a little and his neck is definitely going to be sore so she'll save it. On steady legs, she walks over and stares up close. Just a few seconds of taking in the sight. The way Cub's little bear outfit makes him look like a tiny furry thing curled up in a position she'd never think of as comfortable.

Her hands reach, gently slide beneath her baby's stomach but the moment she tugs, her writer is tightening his hold on Wes and opening his eyes in a sense of panic. Wide blue meets her soft gaze and she gives him a small smile. He doesn't ease up, doesn't let her take the baby until she's tilting her head.

"It's me, he's gotta be hungry."

"He's okay. If he isn't fussing, he's perfectly fine." It makes sense but she's still quirking an eyebrow. Maybe she just wants to hold him. "He's helping me write."

"Funny, looks like he was helping you sleep." The cozy baby stretches, yawns against Castle's chest and brings his fist up to his mouth. They're both just staring down at him and she tries once again to lift him from his father's hold. This time he doesn't resist, he lets her take her son as he drops his feet from the desk with an unpleasant groan.

"You know, he peed on me when I was changing him earlier." She lets out a sharp laugh, imagines the scene in her head as she looks down at the completely innocent face. Eyes wide open, tongue dipping out to lick at his lips. "That never happened with Alexis."

"Just when I thought it was impossible to love you any more than I already do Wes, you prove me wrong."

"Are you actually proud right now?" She is. It's blooming in her chest, something fierce, and she can't stop the smile from taking over. "He peed on me, Kate."

"And it's hilarious." It makes her feel better - less like she's the only one who fumbles when it comes to their newborn.

"Just for that, you can make your own breakfast."

"Oh no, whatever will I do." He frowns at her sarcasm, lip pouting just a little and she's struck by just how much Wes looks like him. He makes the same face. "I know he's only a few days old and that he's still developing but I swear, he looks just like you."

"Ruggedly handsome. It's in the genes."

"I'm being serious."

"So am I." With a roll of her eyes, she shifts the warm body in her arms around until he's against her chest - head resting just below her chin. His hair is soft - smells just like baby shampoo and she inhales deeply. She loves that smell. "Maybe when we have another it'll be a girl and she'll look just like you to even things out. Although I'd never be able to tell her no if she has your eyes. Same with Wes, if his eyes turn out to be the same shade as yours, I'm pretty much out as far as discipline goes."

It's an offhanded comment. She can tell by the way he's rolling his chair closer to the desk and pressing a few keys to bring his computer back to life. It's just something he let fly out of his mouth and clearly he's unaffected but she isn't. She's cupping the back of her son's head, swaying with him because he's starting to make that little huffing noise and she knows that next comes his fussing.

But Castle's words are ringing, bouncing around and she finds that she doesn't really want to argue over it. She isn't sure if she wants more kids but apparently he does. He's already thinking about it. He didn't say _if_ he said _when_. She tries to shake it off.

"We've always known I'm bad cop, Castle. I'll be the one saying 'no' and you'll be the one giving him ice cream before dinner." Not so bad, she managed to say it with only a slight hitch at the beginning.

"I don't know about that, Kate. You're the one who never wants to put him down." She presses her lips to the top of the baby's head, rubs her nose against his soft locks. It's not her fault. He's too warm. Too snuggly. "I think you've become a softie."

"I just caught you asleep with him sprawled out on your chest because he was _helping you write._"

"He's a good brainstorming partner. Bounce ideas off of him and he doesn't tell me I'm crazy, just occasionally makes that little slurping noise when he sucks on his fist." She knows exactly what he's talking about. The adorable sound she's in love with and it seems she's not the only one.

"Finish your chapter - I'm taking your writing buddy." She heads for the living room, stomach growling and baby wiggling but then she stops, turns back to see him staring. His eyes soft and warm. "Thanks for letting me sleep."

"Always."

**a/n: Just a short filler. So only one more chapter left in this tale my friends. (It's pretty important) BUT if you love Wes and the idea of seeing more family moments let me know because I'm already _almost _positive that I'll be starting a story for the random oneshots involving their family and little milestones they hit with their son.  
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**Look at me, updating, completing an M rated oneshot and starting a new story all in one day. It's all the good feels from Stana's birthday. **


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: If I owned it...Wes would be in the making. ;)  
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**A/N: Strap on your emotional helmets guys, this chapter is full of feels. And baby Wes. Also, I follow people on my twitter and they were tweeting about this story earlier...and that's pretty awesome to see. :D I was delighted but I didn't want to be a weird creeper and reply.  
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**This chapter I'm dedicating to my brother. Love him. :)**

She's pacing. Back and forth across the living room floor with her thumbnail between her teeth. She doesn't know how she feels about this but she already told Castle yes last night. She glances over at the baby sleeping in his swing. The motion of it, the slow gentle to and fro. He seems to like it. Always stops fussing as soon as she straps him in but he's still so little and she's always afraid he'll fall out somehow. He's almost seven pounds but he still looks tiny to her.

She just doesn't know. She wants to. She really_ really_ wants to but she can't. It's decided. There's no way she can do it. Not yet. Not when he's so little and helpless and he _needs_ her. She feels awful for doing this but she has to. She has to tell him no. It takes her almost five minutes before she turns away from her son, heads to the office where her writer is working. He's going to be disappointed and she hates that.

She bites her lip, sucks it into her mouth as she runs a hand through her messy hair. She needs to brush it. She needs a shower too. But first this. First, she makes her way toward the clicking of keys. The tapping sound of his fingers as he writes out the words for his fans. She loves this about him. It makes her pause in the doorway, rest her hip against it and cross her arms. She's content to watch for a while, ponder her reasons for doing this. For backing out on something he's so excited over.

She knows the moment he catches her - the smirk that blooms on his lips is a giveaway. His fingers slow to a stop, he clicks a few times and then he lifts his gaze, locks with hers.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Wes asleep?" She nods, smiles at the thought of her baby.

"Yeah, he's pretty happy in his swing." She sobers, walks into the room until she's standing next to his desk. "Listen, I know I agreed to going out tonight, just the two of us but -"

"You don't want to leave Wes."

"I know it's irrational but he's still so little and I just don't think I'm ready for this. I trust Alexis with him, I do but _I'm _not ready to leave him." She hates it. She does because it's a fear - a weakness - that she's going to have to get over. She'll have to return to work in a few weeks. "I know you were really excited about it being just the two of us."

"No, Kate. I understand. Do you know how long it took me before I left Alexis with anyone? Months and honestly, I was kind of hoping you'd change your mind."

"Why?" He reaches for her hand, she lets him lace their fingers together. He doesn't tug her, doesn't draw her closer but she goes anyway. Needs to be near him.

"Doesn't look very manly if I beg you to stay home because _I _don't want to leave him." Her heart swells in her chest, takes over the motions her body is making and without even a single thought, she drops into his lap and straddles him in the chair. His hands automatically rest on her hips, hers take residence on the back of his neck stroking over his skin. How deeply she feels for him - how she loves him and their son more than anything.

"Maybe it's just the fact that I'm a new mom but I find that _very_ hot." She's playing, smiling as she leans in to caress his lips with her own. Soft. He has such soft lips. Like silk. "Why did you ask then, if you don't want to leave him either?"

"I thought it sounded like a good idea at the time but I take it back." She wants to press, see if he's hiding something but she gives in to her urge to just be. Lets her body relax into him, a pool of liquid limbs, and pushes her face into his neck. She can only stay for a moment but at least it's a really nice moment. His palms stroke over her back, ease her into a lull. It'd be easy to fall asleep like this. "We can do dinner here, maybe even dress up, light some candles. It'll be just like a date."

"Sounds good to me." With a sigh and a kiss to his jaw, she pulls back. "Wanna nap with us?"

"I'd love to but I need to finish this chapter. I'll be here when you wake up." She wants to tell him to forget the chapter, to come to bed but she doesn't. If he needs to finish then she won't stop him. Besides the faster he finishes, the sooner she gets to read it and that thought alone is what extracts her from his lap. She loves his books. Not quite as much as she loves him but she'll forgo a cuddle session if it means she'll have a copy of the newest novel in her hands soon.

She's not telling him that. He'd have too much fun with it and she likes this version of him. The one who doesn't know quite how excited she gets when he's writing. Or maybe he knows and he just doesn't let it show. Either way.

She squeezes his thigh, a little higher than considered appropriate and gives him a playful smirk. Oh the fun they'll have when she gets the all-clear from her doctor.

"Your loss. Wes is a great snuggle cub." And with that, Kate leaves him and heads back to get her son. She wasn't kidding, he's the best when it comes to snuggles. His warm body fits perfectly against her chest and he always presses his nose into her shoulder, nuzzles her until he finds that perfect spot. For him it's the hollow just above her collarbone. That's where he always lays his head.

This time is no different. As soon as she lifts him from the swing, he makes that little grunting noise that has her resting her lips on his cheek. So soft. She will never get enough of him. Of his skin, the way he smells. And then he's stretching into her, squirming and scrunching his face in an unhappy frown. His mouth opens and he cries out. Just once because she settles him against her and he automatically finds _his_ spot. His fingers curl around the neckline of her shirt and she realizes that she doesn't want to put him down just yet.

Instead of heading for the bedroom like she intended, she lies on the couch, lets her head rest against the arm as she stretches out along the length. Wes whines into her, buries his face in her shoulder for a few seconds and opens his mouth against her. Her palm rests on his back, strokes gently until he stops wiggling.

"Shh, s'okay Wes, Momma's got you." He calms, whimpers once and then he's quiet. She doesn't move, just holds him and stares up at the ceiling. Glances down every few seconds to watch him. He's back asleep in seconds. A gift she's envious of. Her thoughts always take over, force her to stay awake until she eventually just drifts off.

Although with her son's warm weight against her and the feel of his toes digging into her stomach, she's out in a matter of minutes.

* * *

It's ridiculous. Feels strange but Kate does it anyway. Because he asked nicely and he woke her from her nap with warm and wet delicious kisses, told her that she had a warm bath waiting for her. How does one say no to that? So yeah, she's doing this. Putting the finishing touches on her hair and zipping up the side of her red dress. She almost picks a pair of heels but opts out. She's at home, there's no need for shoes.

A brief look in the mirror and she gives herself a nod. Not too shabby. Not the hottest look she's ever sported but it's just a dinner in their home and she's already won him over, had his baby, she's not really looking to impress so her lack of makeup isn't anything she's concerned with. She exits the bathroom, continues on into the living room where she left her two favorite men.

Only one remains from the looks of it and he's changed his clothes as well. She feels a flutter in her stomach, bites her lip as she rakes her eyes over his back. He's wearing a suit. One she loves. The fabric feels amazing - she knows. She remembers exactly how it feels pressed against her skin. The time they didn't quite make it further than her door, no time to divest each other of clothing, just tugging an moving the necessary obstacles out of the way. Yeah, she remembers how it feels. It's just the perfect combination that she can't keep her hands off of. Maybe that's why he chose it.

He's turning to light a candle in the middle of the kitchen counter and her heart stutters, forgets the rhythm it's supposed to be beating in. She assumed he took their son up to his crib but no, Cub is right there in his father's arms and it seems that their formal dress code extends down to the littlest Castle as well.

"_Oh_...Castle, when did you get him a tux?" A newborn in a tux. Her little baby wearing a tuxedo. She's not sure she's ever seen anything so adorable.

"I think it was the same day we found out we were having a boy." He gives her a smile as she joins them. She swallows roughly, pretty sure of herself and what's happening but it still catches her off guard, completely unbalances her when he invades her space, pushes a curl out of her face. "I wanted to wait until after we ate but Wes is awake and since my plans already changed I thought I'd include him too."

"Wha-" Her boyfriend takes hold of her hand brings both of their palms up to rest over their son's fingers. That's when feels it. She jerks back, stunned, relieved, a little scared. She needs to see it. Gives herself a moment to catch her breath, bite into her lip as her eyes settle on her baby - on his hand and the band that's too big for his thumb yet hanging there anyway. "Rick,"

"Marry us?" She chokes out a laugh, watches as Wes blinks at her. If he wasn't just a few weeks old, she'd say he's waiting for her answer too. "This isn't how I wanted to do this. I wanted to take you to dinner and dancing - that blues bar you love but..."

He trails off, leaves the sentence suspended and she feels her body lean into him, eyes meeting his.

"That sounds lovely," And then she's smiling, bright and full - it's stretching across her face as she lifts a hand to his cheek. "But this is pretty amazing too. Simple. Intimate. Big."

"I thought since neither of us wanted to leave Wes, then I'd just make him part of the proposal. I don't want to wait anymore, Kate." She doesn't either. "So, what do you say, you want to marry two ruggedly handsome men?"

"Oh I don't know, Castle. I only see one," She reaches for the baby but he doesn't let her grab him. "I'll let you know when I find the other."

"You're a mean woman, Katherine Beckett."

"Yet, you still want to marry me."

"I do."

"Save it for the altar, Castle. Yes, I'll marry you." Her eyes catch on the ring again as he pulls it from their son's thumb. It's beautiful. She's doing this. She's engaged. No...not yet. She gently tugs the ring currently on her finger, switches it to the right hand. Almost.

It's a little awkward and he fumbles, almost drops the ring as he juggles Wes and tries to slide it onto her finger at the same time. She steadies him, places her free hand on their son to help support him. The metal loop is warm on her skin as it glides effortlessly into place. She catches his hand, holds it as she leans down to press her lips to Cub's forehead.

She lingers, inhales, closes her eyes to let this moment sink in. And then she lets it go, leaves her fingers stroking over the fine baby hair on top of his head as her eyes lift to meet with a pair of joy filled blue ones. He's trying to contain himself. She knows. It's easy to see by the way he's practically bouncing out of his skin, the tight lipped smile that's threatening to burst into a face splitting grin.

Oh. It hits her as she stares at him. He was nervous. He's bursting at the seams because he was nervous and she's just eased all of his fears.

"Did you really think there was a chance I'd say no?"

"I know you love me and we have a son but that doesn't mean we have to get married - so yeah, I might've been just a little worried."

"One and done, Castle." It's the only piece of assurance she offers but it's enough. Well, it is when it's paired with the fact that she said 'yes'. She said yes. She's going to marry him. Her stomach twists, excitement races through her veins and it finally clicks. He must be feeling this too. That's why he's busting out of his skin, barely contained within.

She gives in to the magnetic pull, presses herself into his chest - trapping their son between them in a loving embrace. Her hands move, caress, slide up over his shoulders. One into his hair, tracing the shell of his ear and then she's tugging on it, pulling him down until she can smother his lips with her own. Open her mouth and breathe into him.

Dinner can wait. She'd rather stand here with her boys. Her son and her fiance. Both wearing suits, her in a dress, and it's silly and perfect.

**a/n: Well, I lied. This now has ONE more chapter because I realized this is chapter 19 and I'm OCD about numbers ever since I received a head injury last year. It has to be an even number (unless it's a one shot). So one more in this story and then I'll start the Wes Chronicles. I don't know what I'm going to title it yet so that's it's codename for now, but there will be plenty of adorable moments with Cub growing and learning. I'm pretty excited to start on it. :) I never thought I'd fall so in love with this little guy. Oh who am I kidding, he's a Caskett baby, I was whipped before she ever told Castle she was pregnant.  
**

**Also, a question I've been asking everyone: What is your favorite book or book series? I like seeing who all reads the same things I do and I'm hoping to get into some new delicious reads.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: I'm not even distantly related to Marlowe...  
**

**A/N: So we're finally at the end of this lovely tale. Keep your eyes open for more Wes adventures coming soon. :) I want to thank everyone who read, added to alerts or favorites, and to everyone who took the time to review. The reviews for this have been amazing and the amount is just insane. Thank you so much for that. And to think this idea started as only a oneshot.  
**

It's still dark outside, the moon casting silver shadows through the window, painting over the sleeping body curled up in the crib. It'll be daylight soon. Too soon. So she watches, with her hands poised on the edge of the rail. Hair tied back, showered, makeup already blended on her face, Kate is content to spend these moments staring down at her Cub. His chest rises, falls, his little fist curling around the leg of the hippo Alexis made for him and her lips tilt in a smile. She's not sure how she got so lucky and maybe she's being biased but Wes is the most adorable baby she's ever seen. He's perfection from his tiny toes to his soft dark locks.

This is his second night sleeping in his crib and it's going to be her first day back at the precinct. It's a heavy weight in her chest, a stone in the pit of her stomach but it's necessary. It's who she is and yes, now she's a mother but she's still a cop. She's good at it.

Her hand reaches down and she lets her fingers trace over his chubby cheek, still amazed by his warmth. She already misses him and she hasn't even left yet. She's barely been away from him at all. Despite the fact that he's slept in the nursery for the last two nights, she's only gone two hours tops without seeing him. And those two hours were all due to Castle distracting her with his talented hands and lips.

The way he worshiped her, caressed all the right places as they finally reconnected intimately. Not that there hasn't been a fair share of wandering fingers, playful banter, teasing touch and occasionally a quick and dirty release over the weeks but never anything more. At first she wasn't interested. She'd just had a baby but arousal didn't stay banished for long and then it just became necessary due to doctors orders. All of that went down the drain yesterday. Cleared for duty - work related _and_ personal activities.

She remembers it well. The way they both just dove right in, let themselves get lost in the moment. He's still crashed out in their bed and she's wide awake, ready to meet the day. Fully clothed, completely put together on the outside with her dark slacks and blazer but on the inside, she's a mess. A ball of nervous energy. She ghosts a hand over the baby's hair, flattening it in it's unruly wavy spots. He's apparently going to take after her in the hair department. It's already getting a bit of a wave and curl to it.

She wants to go back to work but she doesn't _want _to leave Wes. The door creaks open and she doesn't need to glance over her shoulder to know who it is. The steps are heavy, clumsy, and then an arm is wrapping around her waist, the warmth of a body easing over her back and a pair of silky smooth lips pressing into her neck.

"Come back to bed." She leans into him, casts a quick glance to the window. It's starting to turn daylight, the sun finally choosing to make its appearance on the horizon.

"Work, Castle. I have to go to work."

"Not yet and you've been up for over an hour." She turns, sliding her arms around his middle as she faces him. "Everything is going to be fine. Wes and I can manage on our own for a day."

"I know. It's just that I'm going back alone." She isn't trying to sound needy, because she's not. She just isn't sure how she feels about Castle being gone for the majority of the time. "Without my partner."

"If you get a case that's really juicy or you get stuck and need my expertise, just call. I'm sure Mother would love to babysit besides -"

"I don't _need _you Castle, we solved cases just fine before you came along. You just make things better and you're helpful - most of the time." A playful smirk appears on his face and she knows it's pointless to argue. He believes what he wants. And maybe he's right. Maybe _- _just _maybe _- she does need him.

"You still plan on calling me 'Castle' once we're married - because technically you'll be a Castle too. Unless you aren't...are you changing your name?"

"I think Katherine Castle has a nice ring to it. Kate Castle. Detective Cas-" She doesn't get to finish. There's a growl and then his mouth is covering hers, possessive, just a tad on the raw side. She loves it and answers back with a swipe of her tongue. Her hands clutching at his back as she pulls away with a chuckle. He's still so easy.

"I'm thoroughly satisfied with that answer."

"Glad to appease you."

"You could come back to bed, _appease _me some more." She shoves at his chest and ignores the wiggling eyebrows. Okay, she can't ignore them completely because it's a ridiculous face but she can pretend.

"You get all the girls with that line?"

"Apparently not." Her fingers slap at his as he tries to snake a hand beneath the waistband of her slacks. "Alexis called, said she'll come watch Wes for a little while in the afternoons so I can still join you at the precinct."

"It won't take away from her time with her bo - uh, with her classes?"

"That's not what you were going to ask. Time with her 'what', Kate?" She avoids his gaze by turning her attention back to their sleeping baby, curses herself silently for the slip-up. "What do you know that I don't?"

"Nothing."

"Liar."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Alexis is just a busy girl with her friends and classes. That's all." She frowns, rubs her thumb over the crease that forms on Cub's forehead. He's starting to stretch, scrunch, stretch again. He's in the process of interrupting their conversation. He's already the best son ever.

"C'mon Kate, no secrets. I won't even tell her you told me since it's clearly something she's hiding from her old man." For a split second she's torn and then for some reason it's tumbling out of her mouth in a rush of tangled words.

"She might have said something about a boy at the baby shower and I promised I wouldn't tell because it's not my place. And I just broke that promise...great." She can feel his smile press into her temple as she reaches in to lift Wes from his crib. He's starting to fuss, that little whimpering puppy like noise that cultivates from the back of his throat.

"I already know. She told me about him a couple weeks ago and although, it stung a bit when she mentioned you knew, I was also proud because you didn't break her trust. You treat her like an adult -"

"She is an adult. Wait, you already knew that I knew?" She's been walking on eggshells this whole time, watching everything she says when the topic revolves around his daughter and he was already aware? Bastard. His palm is warm on her back even through the layers of clothing covering her skin as she settles their boy against her shoulder. The baby is squirming now, grunting unhappily.

"Hey there buddy, just us today, Momma has to go be a superhero." She grins, despite wanting to smack him. She can't even be remotely miffed at him when he's talking to their son, rubbing his hand over her back as he paints a heroic picture of her. "She gets the bad guys, keeps us all safe."

"That's not exactly how it goes, Castle."

"All Wes needs to know is that his Mom loves him so much, she makes the world a better place. Therefore, Momma is a superhero." She almost argues, shifting their son around to look into his bleary blinking eyes but she bites her tongue. There's no use and honestly, if her son ends up thinking she's some magical persona with powers and wears tights, then that's okay.

"Daddy helps too."

"That just makes me the sidekick."

"No. We agreed, we're partners. The plucky sidekick always dies." She heaves a sigh, presses her cheek against the baby's and then passes him over to his father. "He's probably hungry but I need to head out."

"Oka -"

"Bottles are in the fridge, there should be enough until I get home. If something happens, I left the card with his doctor's number on the fridge and call me immediately." He's nodding and she knows that he's perfectly capable but she just needs to voice it all. Make sure. "He usually naps -"

"Kate, I'm his father. I know all of this. I've been here since he was born, remember?" If it wasn't for the playful lilt in his tone, she'd assume he's a little angry but it's obvious that isn't the case. Amused? Yes. Angry? Not at all. She flushes, a little embarrassed by her behavior but she quickly recovers, kisses the back of Cub's head and steals a smooch from his father's lips. "Go. I'll see you later, might bring you some lunch."

"Don't worry about me, just feed our kid." He's smirking. She can see it despite the fact that he's hiding his face by nuzzling a whimpering baby Wes. She doesn't want to go. Her son is almost crying. Hell, she's almost crying.

She leaves, forces herself down the stairs and out the door before she can change her mind. It's once she's in the elevator that she realizes she's not _almost _crying. There _are_ a few tears slipping down her cheeks. It feels like her heart is still back in the loft.

* * *

It's easier once she's busy, getting back into the swing of things at the precinct. Hearing everyone give their congratulations as if she's winning some kind of award just for having a baby. It's sweet though.

A body dropped before she ever made it in this morning and yes it's awful that someone died but it's a welcome distraction from her thoughts. It doesn't last long though, a few hours of chasing a bogus lead and running through phone records has her staring at the little frame that now adorns her desk. A chubby cheeked newborn, pink faced, and only hours old. Still so beautiful and perfect to her.

She has to physically stop herself from texting Castle, asking if everything's okay. A pen takes the place of her phone and she twiddles it around between her fingers, scrolling through the list of numbers that are blurring together in front of her. Her eyes keep going back to the photo of her baby. It's already speeding by. The maternity leave, the little milestones, just everything. She wants to see who he becomes, what he believes in, what he's passionate about but she also wants to slow it down, keep him little and snugly for as long as possible.

"You miss him?" She startles at the sound of Espo's voice, snaps her head up to look at him and Ryan from across the bullpen.

"Yeah, I do. Both of them."

"Javi and I couldn't help but notice a new shiny attachment on your finger. That's not the ring you've been wearing." She ducks her head, lets her engagement ring catch the light. Nosy boys.

"You two detectives or something?" She can't help but tease. And it's Espo that grins, shakes his head and gives an answer.

"Eh, something. So you and Castle getting hitched?"

"At some point in the future, yes." She adds a silent 'when I can fit into a dress again and be comfortable'. "He asked a couple weeks ago."

"We miss him too. In fact, we could use some theories right about now." She nods in agreement. They're hitting a wall. Have been for hours. She itches to call him, just to check in. Shouldn't he have had text by now?

She chews on her lip, lets her fingers seek out the phone in her pocket. One number. It's the only one she's concerned with, the one contact she's fishing for. Just a press of a button and she'll be calling. Her thumb is hovering over the call button when a cup of coffee appears in front of her.

She knows that cup. Well, not that one exactly...but she knows the hand that's holding it. The fingers curved around the warmth, offering it to her. She smiles, takes it from him and looks up to meet his eyes. Something is different. Not right. And then she glances at his hands, notices a bag of something delicious smelling but the lack of a baby.

"Where's Wes?" His eyes widen, then slam shut and her heart starts racing, pounding, trying to beat its way out of her chest. "Rick?"

"I knew I forgot something." Her jaw drops, fist clenching and then he's smiling, dropping into his chair with a loud chuckle. "Your face right now? Priceless. Alexis has him."

"Don't even joke like that, Castle. I think you just gave me a heart attack."

"I told you I'd bring you lunch. I know it's a little late but it's really cold outside and I didn't want to bring Wes out in it."

"Thank you."

"How's it going so far?" She opens the bag, grabs a fry out of it. That's what the delicious smell is. Fries. "Being back?"

"It's weird. Normal but not really anymore. The case has hit a wall for the day and it's harder than I thought, being away from Wes."

"Alexis told me she can watch over Wes until six, that's only two hours from now. You think you can cut out early?" She can. She knows she can. No one is going to mind and there really isn't much else they can accomplish. She gives a nod, stuffs another fry in her mouth. "So where are we with the case?"

And then it's back to normal, her filling him in, him coming up with a crazy spin on what happened. Passing french fries around, stabbing her fork into a salad while letting him glance through the phone records. She's missed him more than she realized.

* * *

There's nothing better than this. Holding a baby and watching in wonder as his eyes are wide and staring. He's becoming curious. Looking everything over and she sits him up. Props him against her raised legs, his head resting in the crease between her knees. He's warm through the material of her yoga pants. She doesn't care that she's been sitting with him on the couch for almost an hour. Castle doesn't seem to mind much either as she shifts back into him and lets her head fall back against his shoulder.

"Tell Momma all about it Wes, we had adventures today."

"Did you now?" She makes a face at the baby, watches as he drops his chin, sticks his tongue out between his lips. She'll admit that he seems to have inherited her mouth. The shape of it. "I bet you had to keep Daddy in line all day. I know how hard that is."

"Don't listen to her Cub, she's no fun." She can hear the smile in his voice, see it in his actions as he offers his thumb to their child, letting Wes wrap his fingers around it and cling.

"No fun? I played laser tag with you last week for hours because you didn't want to write."

"Okay, I take it back. Momma's fun sometimes." She's rolling her eyes, gently squeezing the toes digging into her stomach. He has the cutest toes although at the moment, they're covered by duck feet. She loves this sleeper. The softness of it, the cute yellow ducks. "What are we reading for story time tonight?"

"Not sure yet. For now, I just want to hold him." She can't decide who smells better, Castle or baby Castle. She's leaning toward the scent of baby shampoo because it's so fresh, just lovely. She can appreciate his father's clean crisp scent later. "He smells so good."

"Yeah, well, you weren't changing his diaper earlier. Not so good."

"Daddy's telling lies about you handsome." His legs kick out, hitting her stomach with an enthusiasm she doesn't understand. "So what did you two do today?"

"We visited a kingdom, saved a princess, everyday stuff."

"Oh, I see." He's been reading to him or telling him stories all day and just the thought has her chest filling with warmth.

"He helped me write some too, came up with great ideas for Nikki."

"I'll bet he did." Some part of her loves this. The banter, playing along and letting him yank her chain. "What else?"

"Oh...he might have mentioned something about April being a good month for a wedding."

"Hm. He might be on to something." Wes is still just looking at her, his eyes now starting to droop just a little. "But I think he's more interested in May."

"May is one of my favorite months." She knows why. Because he's a sap but then, she is too. She's the one who's about to suggest this. She's the one who has been thinking of it the whole time.

"I think Wes is really leaning towards the seventh of May." Kate feels the heat of his breath on her neck, a touch of his mouth as she grins at the coo Wes lets out. "See, he wants the seventh."

"That has been a pretty phenomenal day in the past."

"Yeah, one of the best decisions I've ever made." She doesn't mean _just _showing up at his door, soaked to the bone, a little cold, and wanting. She means all of it. Being with him. Fighting for their relationship. Having a baby. All of it. Especially the little bundle of joy that smiles a toothless grin, making both his parents light up. He's the best thing she's ever done and he wouldn't be here if it wasn't for _that _day.

"May it is."

**a/n: Kept getting distracted by Dance Moms while writing this or it would've been up about two hours ago. Oopsies. And that my friends is the end of Number One. Hope you enjoyed the ride.  
**


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